Will the police protect my child?

[MadameDeLaRue]

(I have a separate thread on a related issue, but I want to focus on this specific topic)

My 7 year old has told me that her father has been strangling her often, for short periods, when angry. There is a history of coercive control against me.

Police are coming later to discuss.

Are they likely to do anything to protect my child? What can I expect in this meeting?

Please call women’s aid. They know about abusive men claiming parental alienation

@AnitaLoos With respect, WA in fact know very little about PA. If they, and others, were knowledgeable I wouldnt have found myself in the position I do now. Mind you, in my case, the PA came from father who had coercively controlled for years.

I say this from experience. My dd read a horrible email her father sent me. Basically disowning her. She was crushed and had a breakdown. We had to go to a crisis center to get her help. At a counseling session I was told that her having read that was my fault and looked like alienation. Mind you she snooped in my email.

I realise that I am not responding directly to each question asked. It's difficult to focus atm

I took the video and asked DD what I thought were pretty open questions. She was aware of it. I told her that it was so I could remember the details (and this is what it was for - I wasn't sure how serious the things told me would be). It's all far scarier and more dangerous than I initially thought.

I have spoken to SS, police, my solicitor, and a barrister. I haven't thought of calling WA and I am not sure how valuable it is. My solicitor is supposed to be very good.

This is a very difficult time in my life and I am not sure whether I have come across great to anyone. I am stretched to my limit in other ways beyond this.

I know this is really hard for you. But, you did what you felt was right in the moment. All you can do is be honest and say I realise it wasn't the correct thing to do now and prove you did it for the right reasons and not because you're trying to alianate her.
I was also accused of PA from the other parent (when it was clearly the other way around). I was reassured that young children tend to repeat "parrot fashion" when the parent has said. Eg Mummy said Daddy was mean etc etc. .what I'm trying to say is yes possibly from this one situation it could look as if your trying to alianate your child, from their other parent. But there is a lot more factors at play, with the full picture and not just a snippet, the story probably looks completely different.
So what's the police, social services and your solicitor all doing about the aligation of physical abuse?

You are protecting your child. There are many who don't. This is a road that is incredibly hard. Your child is lucky to have you.

@justgotosleepffs

Due to a Mumsnet glitch, I can't delete the ref to justgotosleep. Sorry!

The police are supposedly investigating. But there has been no word since the referral to the child abuse team.

Social services will be meeting with my daughter again - hopefully more competently and sensitively - and then issue an assessment within the next couple of weeks.

Hopefully you are right about the other signs of alienation and the parroting etc. There should be no way that I appear to have coached my daughter or encouraged her to speak ill of her dad. I let her rant about him and I don't disagree when she shares her experiences or perceptions (she has said he is mean, can't be trusted, she hates him for a long time), but I don't join in or anything.

My solicitor says if I believe the allegations then must protect her and keep her from her father - but again, with the warning that it will reflect badly on me if no finding of child abuse is made.

If you’re not sure how valuable Women’s Aid is, many women can tell you it is a life saver. Have you looked at their website?

Your solicitor is just one person and “supposed to be good” is not necessarily good enough when it comes to safeguarding your daughter.

You need to let this run its distance and end up at court for the reasons you state. A safeguarded should be put in place to ascertain the risk presented to the child if the social services can't come to an agreement. The view of the child is also taken into account more these days. Also depending on where you stay the law might be different. It would be best to shelf all contact for appropriate risk assessments to be carried out, a safeguarder in place and let the court decide on further action. Accountability needs to be with them now

Through an unfortunate confluence of events, my daughter has been afraid to tell the social worker the whole story of what happened. But through some garbled misunderstanding, she did tell the social worker that I said we were going to go to court and make sure she doesn't have to see Daddy anymore.

I think all hope of protecting my child is lost.

To be very clear, I said no such thing to her. There was a misunderstanding because I told her this was her opportunity to have her voice heard. I think she is so desperate not to see her dad that she interpreted this as me saying something else.

I honestly feel like I want to stop existing. My ex has not stopped terrorising me since I left, and he seems to be terrorising our daughter. I thought that I was protecting her and now I see that it was a horrible mistake to trust in the system and believe there was any escaping his clutches.

she did tell the social worker that I said we were going to go to court and make sure she doesn't have to see Daddy anymore

You must have been talking about this in front of (or to) your 7 year old daughter in order for her to repeat this. You are exposing her to way too much adult information for her age.

@trythisforsize my daughter asks lots of questions and I answer them honestly. She also knows other people who have gone through divorce etc. She therefore knows how court works. She has actually told me she wants to go to court so she doesn't seem Daddy and I told her no, this is a bad idea.

The social worker told me this is my daughter's chance to be heard in the process.

The horrible truth is my daughter didn't want to talk to the social worker. I told my daughter that this is her chance to make sure her feelings are listened to and heard and the social worker is there to look out for her. My daughter obviously sees that what is happening is serious and I think she put things together (incorrectly) to reach this conclusion.

Maybe she also eavesdrops, but I don't talk about these things when she is in the room or even on the same floor

ALSO, I have zero faith in the family court system, and I never would say to anyone that this means she won't see her father. Much more likely that no one will believe anything and reporting this will be interpreted as evidence of alienation. Which is what my ex is claiming

The family courts do work sometimes, they worked for me and more importantly my children. This was how ever after many years and many many court hearings.
How ever when social services get involved both parents parenting is looked at. You really need to make sure your seen as a protective parent and that your able to make choices and decisions that are in your child best interests, especially at this difficult time. It's very hard as you can feel like you want/need to counteract what's going on.

@TickingKey46

Maybe the process will work for us. The social worker will have seen that DD is afraid of her father and DD has told her the basics of what happened.

This whole experience is throwing me right back there when I was terrified and trapped in my marriage.

If DD has to spend more time with her dad, I am really fearful of what sort of mental state this will put her in. It's apparent from messages I am getting from him and his wife that they believe DD's disclosure is a malicious lie.

Just try and be measured. Try and work on facts rather than fears. Eg why do you fear her spending time with her father? What are the reasons.

@TickingKey46 thank you. I will try to do this.

@MadameDeLaRue will the social worker have any ongoing involvement? I can see both sides if I'm honest, I understand your worries for your child but I can also see why the social worker would have concerns and how that could influence decisions.

I'd suggest rather than getting defensive about it not being alienation (not suggesting that you are, but it's a natural response if you feel you're being accused of something) whether you could tell the social worker that you'd tried explaining things in an age appropriate way, that you can see from what she's come out with that it's not worked, and ask for help for someone to explain things better to her and to have time to build a relationship and understand her feelings better?

That way you're showing that you're not trying to control the narrative to your daughter and you're willing to accept that you might have made mistakes albeit that you had good intentions. It's entirely possible that your daughter could be picking up on your feelings even without you speaking to her directly - children can be very attuned - and even with the most neutral parents, children can have torn loyalties/want to please. So a third party being involved could be helpful for her, and for you. If social services aren't going to stay involved you could ask whether there's any family support/early help type service that you could be referred to.

@Bridgertonned this was the social workers final meeting with my daughter before issuing her assessment.

I assume she thinks my daughter is lying and I have been saying that we are going to court.

Ok, but if so there's no harm in letting the social worker know, and that you'd be open to someone else providing that support if it was an option, or available in future.

A lot of things have happened.

We are now at a stage where police feel they have to interview my daughter, but they also suggested that this could all be handled through SS. He seemed to think I might prefer this.

I do not think that my daughter felt comfortable in the SS interviews and I believe she should have a chance to tell the full story. But I don't want to put everyone through a painful process if we don't have to.

Her father is saying that I maliciously put our daughter up to this and denying any wrongdoing - which makes me concerned that he would not change anything and would in fact be empowered to abuse her further if this were swept under the rug.

Any advice or opinions welcome.

Go with the police

Just to give you a bit of hope to keep fighting this,

I very close friend of mine went through similar, the father verbally abused the child, made him run tracks, told him daily he was fat.

My friend stopped contact. He painted her to be the bad guy, parent alienation, crazy, poor mental health because one day she snapped when he was in her house and he secretly filmed her.

For a long while everyone was on his side, the child stood his ground that he didn't not want to see his father and his mum had his back. He was 9/10/11 years old whilst this was happening,

2 years of court and cafcass etc. they won, the father is only allowed indirect email contact now and the mother has to send one monthly update on the child which he is not to respond to. She won in the end because she stood her ground.

It won't be easy, and it will wear you down, but your child is worth every little bit of effort