Will the police protect my child?

[MadameDeLaRue]

(I have a separate thread on a related issue, but I want to focus on this specific topic)

My 7 year old has told me that her father has been strangling her often, for short periods, when angry. There is a history of coercive control against me.

Police are coming later to discuss.

Are they likely to do anything to protect my child? What can I expect in this meeting?

Have you taken her to A and E yet?
Does she have any marks on her neck or else where? If so discreetly take some photos.

No marks

Social worker is coming later and I am very anxious to wait for the police even though it appears they are never coming.

(so any A&E visit will have to wait)

so… today

who’s collecting her from school?

I had taken a video of DD telling me about this.

The social worker told me that this was very wrong. She also said I should have asked my ex about the allegations. I am terrified of what her assessment will say.

The police finally came and took the matter seriously, but my solicitor says that they move very, very slowly. There will be no conclusion soon enough to influence any other process, such as a child arrangements order.

The legal advice is that any case I would have to keep my daughter away from her father is weak if the social worker gives a negative report. My horrible handling of everything means that my ex would better be able to argue that I am turning our daughter against him.

Did your solicitor not advise about disclosing that you had taken a video? Or about talking to your ex?

I don’t see how the social worker can seriously recommend just asking your husband. The man is going to lie. I can’t imagine how dangerous a person you have to be to think of putting your hands round a child’s throat. I can’t imagine how a child would think to say this is being done if it isn’t being done. The response from SS seems dangerously negligent. Does your social worker have a manager you can speak to?

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid? They may be able to help. Also, the National
Centre for Domestic Violence may have some ideas.

It's standard to ask why you haven't asked the other parent, I was certainly asked the same! They may well not know all the back ground and even if they do, doesn't mean they shouldn't ask. But regardless you have taken protective measures, so be reassured by this.
The thing is it's not for you to believe or disbelieve your child. It's for you to safeguard them by reporting it. They need to investigate what's happened as with many things it's in the context. As parents we are naturally shocked at what we have heard. But with out any context it sounds very very worrying, it's not to say it's not. But it could be something's a lot less sinister, it's all in the detail.
Did you video her and ask her questions? Was she away you were doing this?

I feel for you OP. I'm going through similar and the protection and support for our children is zero. In Scotland we have a children's reporter you can self refer to and they have to investigate via the children's hearing, maybe you have similar where you are?

The advice I was given was refuse contact and let him take you to court, so that's what I'd do if I were you. Protect that baby, and stand up to him citing your parental duty to keep your child safe. Evil man.

@MadameDeLaRue Did the police/SW speak to your daughter directly?
The problem with a video is that SW could believe that you are manipulating your daughter into saying things about her dad.
I am not saying for one second you are, but I know how some of these "professionals" work unfortunately.

In the nicest way possible OP, you seem worried about what your solicitor says, the SW says, the police..and I get that. They are figures of authority. However as parents we have the biggest duty of care to our children, above and beyond the broken systems on place to supposedly safeguard our children. Do not allow access. Let him take you to court. Regardless of the outcome you can hold your head high and say you did all you could to protect her.

What does DD say about contact with her father? Does she want to go? I assume not. In which case, abuse or no abuse, I would maintain that and stand by her.

@Humanswarm my ex is a very dangerous person in my opinion, and he is also very clever and manipulative. After some interactions with him, my solicitor is very worried that his claims of parental alienation will be believed.

It's all really sick because he actively does things to turn our daughter against me, but I haven't said a word against him to DD, other than to refute lies he has told her about me.

@MadameDeLaRue I was in a VERY similar situation and your ex sounds almost identical to mine. It was very clear PA on his part which was insidious and lengthy.
I wish I could tell you my story had a positive outcome or give you some good advice but nothing I did helped 💔
You are not alone.

@Humanswarm oops, missed part of your message.

DD desperately wants to not see her father. She has felt this way for as long as I remember, but it has gotten worse recently.

Basically, my solicitor says if the social worker report is negative towards me, then in the future this plus the video will add fuel to the fire of my ex's efforts to get more contact.

@AbFabDaaaaahling I am so sorry. I can't believe how broken this system is.

@unbelievablescenes I am sorry that you are also going through this.

Evil men know how to game the system. It's terrible.

What about women’s aid? https://www.womensaid.org.uk/parental-alienation-and-the-family-courts/

I asked this as your solicitor seems to be your main (sole?) source of advice, so I hope they are good. They need to focus on immediate safeguarding as well as longer term issues around parental alienation.

Safeguarding has to come first right now. You need advice from Women's Aid and a child safeguarding focus, not just your solicitor.

It's a Catch 22. They say that I must withhold my child to protect her, but also that if my ex takes me to court and claims parental alienation, I have a weak case.

@MadameDeLaRue Thank you. I'm a decade on since it first happened, but seeing my eldest just EOW has been hard.
I know the feeling of not knowing what to do for the best.

OP I'm horrified that the social worker thought you should have asked him. Can anyone working in social services or other child safeguarding roles confirm if this is standard advice in a situation like this?

As a teacher I was always taught NOT to reveal or ask the accused about accusations made by a child in case it puts the child in more danger. I know this is a different situation but surely it's not your job to ask him and it should be professionals investigating?

It being specifically strangling is exceptionally concerning and I'm really surprised you're getting no help. Social services are really under the spotlight about their decisions regarding keeping children safe, and the police have had enough bad publicity too so I'm simply astounded (I do believe you I'm just saying I'm shocked) that nobody seems to care that a child has been hurt in this way.

I understand he is very clever and manipulative and you're worried about the outcome of this at the end. Can you let us know who it is you've tried to contact for help and what they've said? Have you contacted women's aid and other organisations mentioned by pp?

I know it may feel like you're alone and nobody will help but I really hope you don't give up on getting support.

I completely understand why you took the video but it was the absolute wrong thing to do. Do not give the court any reason to side on the accusation of parental alienation. You need to do everything right to keep your dd safe.

@KomodoOhno

Yeah, that has been made clear to me. I absolutely hate myself for the fact that my efforts to protect my child seem to be seen as a cause to take her away.

@MadameDeLaRue It is so, so hard when you feel literally nobody is listening to you, I get it. 100%.