School dad situationship

[Underscore83]

I know a dad at my kids school, he's recently separated from his wife as I am from my husband.
We've started talking and have clicked so well I have that at once and had a few kisses but speak every single night via text or phone call.
Obviously our children know each other at school but don't know anything about us. Same goes for everybody else in the playground.
It's a very small, tiny rural school and I'm a bit worried everything getting out and the consequences. ..
Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong,?

I don’t think anyone with young kids should jump into a new relationship so soon after separating, his kids probably haven’t even started to come to terms with the split of their parents. Also I would be wary of a man who was cheated on by his wife.

I think the op said it had been 2 years. Thats lots of time.

why the last comment? Should men be wary of women who have been cheated on too? i mean, many of us have been cheated on so that rules out a lot of people for a new relationship.

I think the op said it had been 2 years. Thats lots of time.

She's been out of her marriage 2 years, he only split up with his wife in September.

yes he only split in September - that's not enough time to process being cheated on (IMO) - men are often more likely to jump straight into another relationship without taking time to process what has happened. I would also want to know more about why his wife cheated as its much less common for women to cheat, was there cheating on both sides for eg. and you are only hearing about what she did. I think when you are dating with kids you really need to think about who you are bringing into their lives and being the rebound woman isn't the best!

Everyone is different and circumstances are different too. I was dating pretty much immediately after my split, my ex did take longer but I started a serious relationship in less than 5 months and she was around 6/7 months with no ill effects on us, or kids.

Some people may be fine after 2 months, some still not ready after 2 years!

In my case the marriage had been awful for over a year and for the whole of the year before we had both checked out of it - so we had already emotionally uncoupled.

And I am sure the OP is not suddenly going to bring this guy round in front of the kids in the early days - but at some point if it develops then she will and that will be fine. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

@Dadjoke007 what works for the parents isn’t necessarily going to work for the kids…kids don’t tend to have a say in the breakdown of a relationship and many people bring another person into the mix far too early. Even 2 yrs is too early imo and people who have exited 1 failed relationship should take the time to know themselves as people and work on themselves before they enter another….doubly so if they are getting together with another person from a failed relationship.

I would say everyone that people meet has come from a failed relationship, otherwise they have been single forever which if you are 25+ should raise its own red flags!

Kids are adaptable - if that person is making the other one happy the kids will see it and they will adapt too. Of course it depends on the relationship, the kids and if that is a good person. My kids were teens when my exGF got together and in a nice way, didn't care as long as I was happy. So I would have now issues bringing someone else into their lives if I thought it was serious.

Having been lumbered with a stepfather I had a very difficult relationship with, I cannot agree with your "kids just adapt" attitude.

@Dadjoke007 i would also disagree with the statement that “ kids are adaptable” seeing some of the challenging relationships within my social circles and wider family! I had problems enough when my parents moved on to other partners (who made them happy but certainly didn’t make us happy) and I was an adult when they split! Moving on from a relationship with the parent of your children is nothing like moving on from relationships when it’s just adults involved.

Totally agree. ‘Kids just adapt’ is used by parents to excuse their thoughtless behaviour, all the time. I can’t stand it. So selfish. They had children, children come first - they never asked to be here.

I can only go on personal experience - My exGF and I had very similar morals, views etc... and kids had no problem with her. My son works with her son in a PT job and when we went on holiday the 2 girls were together all the time. Her kids liked me a lot too. In fact my ex wife goes out with a school dad, someone the kids knew and they again get on fine.

Maybe we have both been lucky that all the various kids accept the other person, even quite like them - I think that is part of the battle, will that new partner be positive for the kids?

And its also a big factor in a relationship - why invest a year with someone only for them and kids not too get on 12 months later - if that is going to be a dealbreaker for the relationship get that sorted sooner rather than later.

Like I said, that is my experience and the mindset of all the partners (me, ex wife etc) and kids (mine, hers, theirs).

Just to add to post above - kids I am talking about are 17, 16, 16, 15, 13, 13 and I think what possibly helped my ex-wife is that our kids and his kids knew each other pretty well.

My perspective might be because I’m a city dweller, but it’s the fact that you’re seeing someone from your dc’s school that makes me uneasy. I think that’s very unfair on the dc- it’s going to be a lot to navigate if the relationship is successful and an absolute shitshow that they will have to bear the brunt of, if it goes wrong.

But maybe in a small rural community it’s inevitable?

In terms of the relationship itself I’d be questioning whether his wife knows the marriage is dead, or if she thinks there’s a chance for a reconciliation. He wouldn’t be the first man spreading his bets.

Honestly I would want to make sure that neither of us are on the rebound first. If things get messy it will be the talk of the village for months.

What a bunch of negative Nellie’s!!

Op what do you think the consequences will be?

Your not doing a thing wrong, if it helps my dad and sm met during our primary school pick and are now married and have been together for 28 years

Allow yourself joy, OP. Sounds like you are alive to protecting your children. Life is short !

Sounds like trauma-bonding. You're not doing anything wrong, but I would be careful and wait until after the divorce.

I think you feel you're doing something wrong, because you know it will add another layer of upset and confusion to the children if / when they find out. And will also bring the whole difficult situation into their school, which really should be as stable a place as possible for them atm, if their home life is currently unstable. Could you not date someone not connected to your DC?? If you really are keen on some adult company with this bloke, I'd be very VERY careful your DC don't find out - see him in a hotel. As for a relationship with him, if I'm honest, I think it's a bit selfish. There's more to it than your feelings of embarrassment if it goes wrong.

On what do you base the idea that women cheat less than men?

THIS nails the crux of it.

I know of two examples of this. One at our primary school. I know both mums and the dad. No one cheated, just swapped. The kids ended up in the same class, were called 'sisters' against their wishes. Then 'Dad' got mum-two preggers. Mum-two got a police warning down the line.... It all just got very, very messy.

Example two at a different school, mum had to take her child out and move.

Take it seriously slow and cautious OP. Have fun and frolics with someone random, but don't s**t in your own backyard

Errr..research ,statistics! Sadly kids of parents who cheat are also more likely to cheat on their own partners hence why it’s even more important to enter into further relationships thoughtfully after a parental split.

Do you have any links to that research and statistics? I am sure we would all be interested.

I’m sure if you can be bothered you can find it yourself, it’s not exactly hard to find!