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Original poster

Has DH crossed a line?

52 replies

cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 10:56

DH works in an industry where he’s predominantly around females. I have no issue with this, and it’s always been the case that he values his female friendships (possibly more than male ones).

Recently, I’ve noticed message notifications from a female colleague, and when asked about this, he’s brushed it off and said it’s work-related, nothing more.

Last night, when he was asleep, I saw another notification pop up. I’m not proud to admit that I snooped, but one of the messages from the past week or so, were her thanking him for a lift, and another one where she asked if she annoyed him by contacting him outside of working hours - he said that she wasn’t annoying him. But I think that this was a good opportunity for him to nip contact in the bud?

I don’t know why this has triggered something in me, as he’s never given me any reason not to trust him. But she’s young and attractive so maybe I’m feeling insecure and threatened?

Can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 05/05/2024 10:59

Tbh I think the fact shes felt the need to ask if she's annoying him shows he's not encouraging her. She's clearly picked up on some level of annoyance or disinterest from him.

GreyCarpet · 05/05/2024 10:59

Do you feel he has crossed a line?

We all draw our own lines.

Original poster
cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 11:06

For me, yes. He’s quite socially awkward so the fact that he’s entertaining the messages in the first place is concerning for me. He’s very much an “in person” communicator so it’s surprising that he’s even responding to her.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/05/2024 11:10

Nottherealslimshady · 05/05/2024 10:59

Tbh I think the fact shes felt the need to ask if she's annoying him shows he's not encouraging her. She's clearly picked up on some level of annoyance or disinterest from him.

Oh I wouldn't necessarily agree with that.

I've known many a woman use this as a flirting technique. The man is supposed to reply along the lines of, "Of course not. I love chatting with you!" Or similar. At which point she gets to play it coy and reiterate that she was worried about upsetting him or his wife. And he's supposed to be 'reassuring' and perhaps drop in something about how his wife is cool with him having female friends or that she's always annoyed with him about something and so this would just he one more thing and then she gets to empathise and tell him how she wouldn't be like that and how amazing he is and there you have it, the start of a beautiful affair.

Not saying that's what she is doing though, OP!

His actual responses are more important than what she is doing or saying.

GreyCarpet · 05/05/2024 11:12

cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 11:06

For me, yes. He’s quite socially awkward so the fact that he’s entertaining the messages in the first place is concerning for me. He’s very much an “in person” communicator so it’s surprising that he’s even responding to her.

I'd speak to him about it then.

Other people will tell you it's fine and their partners do x, y, z and that's fine because they trust them but actually it's the change in behaviour that has set your alarm bells off.

If a change in behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable, address it. It won't go away on its own and will only fester and become worse.

MMadness · 05/05/2024 11:47

Were any of his messages inappropriate? Or just related to work/queries?

I don't see anything untoward in those 2 examples you've given.

Original poster
cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 12:05

They were work related, but mentions of him giving her a lift. And of them going for lunch. He didn’t tell me about either of these things

OP posts:
shepherdsangeldelight · 05/05/2024 12:14

None of those examples (I don't tell me DH every time I go to lunch with colleagues) sound particularly worrysome.

I guess the point is more - why do you think they are, and why did you feel the need to snoop on his phone? Could this be your issue?

The fact that your post starts with the fact you have no issue with your DH working predominantly with females made me cringe slightly. Presumably your DH doesn't get to choose who he works with and it's not something you get to have opinions about eihter.

Arnia · 05/05/2024 12:32

I wouldn't like it. I would be annoyed if my husband was in contact with any woman from work unless it was strictly work related. There's no need for it in a marriage, it's dangerous territory and has the potential to undermine trust so I never did and it and wouldn't accept it. People will disagree vehemently and call you all sorts of names OP ("cool girl" types), however if you feel uncomfortable about it then your husband should disengage immediately. I'd tell him I find it inappropriate and that should be enough to know that he has to stop.

Outsideofsociety · 05/05/2024 12:51

I agree with you OP. He should have taken that opportunity to close things down. He is showing he is actively open to progressing their friendship.

Original poster
cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 13:15

That’s my concern… I think she was testing the waters as a previous poster suggested, to see whether he was open to progressing things. He could have politely shut things down rather than leaving things open. It kind of makes me feel as though he’s enjoying the attention

OP posts:
Olika · 05/05/2024 13:58

I would be annoyed if my DH hadn't shut down any unnecessary convos with her. He is leaving a door open for her to try to pursue him. And I would tell him this.

Outsideofsociety · 05/05/2024 14:01

cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 13:15

That’s my concern… I think she was testing the waters as a previous poster suggested, to see whether he was open to progressing things. He could have politely shut things down rather than leaving things open. It kind of makes me feel as though he’s enjoying the attention

I agree with this. He is enjoying the attention.
I also agree with pp who suggested you talk to him about how uncomfortable you are feeling about this developing friendship. He is entering into a potentially dangerous territory for your relationship.

Quitelikeit · 05/05/2024 14:03

I’d be furious. I’d make it clear curiosity got the better of you with the late night message and as nothing is going on he shouldn’t mind you looking

Ask him to stop it and fast!

ComfyButFrumpy · 05/05/2024 14:10

I'm a bit different because I would watch it unfold and see what dh did.
But that's on the basis that if I didn't like what he did, we would be over. No question.
You have to be able to trust someone, all the time. Not just when no opportunity arises.

Original poster
cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 14:23

The messages that he responds to are often late at night, which I think is completely unnecessary. Some of them are jokey, but mainly instigated by her, apart from the odd one or two, but I wouldn’t say they’re flirty (yet)

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/05/2024 14:52

cruelspringsummer · 05/05/2024 14:23

The messages that he responds to are often late at night, which I think is completely unnecessary. Some of them are jokey, but mainly instigated by her, apart from the odd one or two, but I wouldn’t say they’re flirty (yet)

Messaging late at night can also be testing the waters.

It's an intrusion into relationship time and is more 'intimate' than a message at 6pm. It ensures she's on his mind just before bed and it disturbs your personal time together.

Eg she has his time/attention in the daytime when they are at work. And now she's also seeking it late evenings when everyone is relaxed and at home too.

Tbh, that would bother me more than a lunch or a lift I wasn't aware of. Those can be innocent. I do both of those with my male colleague and wouldn't necessarily tell my partner. We are very close at work but we rarely message each other ar home (and only ever about work stuff). I would never nessage him personally late at night because it just feels inappropriate.

It's easier for conversation to become relaxed and cross lines when it's dark in the evening. Just psychologically, it is because people relax and share more. It works similarly to the way people become attached via false intimacy when they are messaging on OLD.

It may be that, at this stage, he's enjoying the attention. He might just think he's enjoying having a new friend at work. He might be flattered by the fact a young, attractive woman is interested in having a conversation with him without intending to take it any further at all - might not even have crossed his mind.

But this is exactly how a lot of work based affairs start.

I think I read on here once a post about protecting your relationship. Its not about waiting for something to go wrong and then trying to repair it. It's having the rules, boundaries and self awareness in place early on for both partners to make sure nothing ever strays into that territory.

Some people will stil seek it out but it's when it starts 'innocently' like this that it becomes harder for people to extricate themselves and when people genuinely believe they didn't look for it and it 'just happened'.

GreyCarpet · 05/05/2024 14:57

My exh developed a friendship at work when we were going through a difficult time as a family and a couple.

Long story short - they're now married.

I know he wouldn't have gone looking for an affair - it 'just happened'. But this is how it 'just happened'.

Olika · 05/05/2024 14:59

Very good post @GreyCarpet.

Confusedandemotional · 05/05/2024 15:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

RandomForest · 05/05/2024 15:15

@GreyCarpet

Has nailed it.

Riverlee · 05/05/2024 15:28

Ok, from your original post, not much to worry about.

However, the newer posts are more concerning. Giving a lift - why did she need one.

Pouring down with rain, or lift to meeting, fair enough. Casual lift home, not so much.

Popping to Greggs to get a sandwich, okay. Having lunch in cafe, not so good.

late night replies - definitely crossing a boundary.

I think a discussion how these messages are intrusive is needed. Or how would he like it if David Beckam messaged you every night.

ginasevern · 05/05/2024 16:32

"And it made me feel threatened. It made me uncomfortable as women just ‘know’"

This sums it up. We (usually) know when things are off or a line has been crossed. I certainly did and I was bloody well right. My DH was the last person on earth to even flirt with anyone let alone have an affair, or so I thought.

AnonAnonmystery · 05/05/2024 18:33

He’s already crossing the line op … he’s withholding info from
you and he is entertaining her messages. He is a very willing participant here and is probably showing sides to him you’ve never thought possible!

Lay the law down now.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 05/05/2024 19:01

Yes I think he crossed the line.