Has DH crossed a line?

[cruelspringsummer]

DH works in an industry where he’s predominantly around females. I have no issue with this, and it’s always been the case that he values his female friendships (possibly more than male ones).

Recently, I’ve noticed message notifications from a female colleague, and when asked about this, he’s brushed it off and said it’s work-related, nothing more.

Last night, when he was asleep, I saw another notification pop up. I’m not proud to admit that I snooped, but one of the messages from the past week or so, were her thanking him for a lift, and another one where she asked if she annoyed him by contacting him outside of working hours - he said that she wasn’t annoying him. But I think that this was a good opportunity for him to nip contact in the bud?

I don’t know why this has triggered something in me, as he’s never given me any reason not to trust him. But she’s young and attractive so maybe I’m feeling insecure and threatened?

Can anyone advise?

@GreyCarpet has nailed it about getting his attention just before bed!
These women that use the workplace as a hunting ground make me sick!

I think you need to agree a cut off time with your OH that he relays to her, like 7pm. He can then put his phone on DND or even block her number temporarily if she’s the only one you want to fend off until the next day. He can say that in your house it’s a leave work at work policy and home time is family time unless it’s an actual emergency and she can call the house or whatever, if you have a landline. I’d it’s that much of and emergency she can contact lime manager though. I’m guessing they’re teachers, don’t ask me why ☺️

@GreyCarpet your posts have been so helpful, thank you.

He was doing some work in the garden earlier and left his phone on charge upstairs. I read through the messages, and although there’s nothing untoward, it’s the timing of them and the reciprocation… also the lift and the lunch bothers me, and I know it shouldn’t. He gave her a lift home as her car was in the garage apparently, but there was no reason she couldn’t have made other arrangements I’m sure.

I guess I don’t understand why they feel the need to be in contact after spending full days together

“I guess I don’t understand why they feel the need to be in contact after spending full days together”.

This is the issue. They have become close somehow so best you create the distance and space now between them.

This woman sounds completely inappropriate and a boundary needs to be set.

Similar issue with ExH and work colleague and I was a cool wife and gave him space to cheat! This is why I am being so militant here!

Just to say I have a male colleague that I have recently texted to say thanks for a lift, have also discussed someone's leaving lunch, and when we first started messaging I would probably have checked if he minded me messaging as he's not easy to read as a person!!

(I am definitely not related to this post as I'm not young, or that attractive I would say! And we don't text late evening).

He's a lovely guy but I don't find him the slightest bit attractive. I am married, and it wouldn't occur to me that his gf would be seeing my messages.

Late evening texts could be concerning, though, and I agree on the boundary setting that previous posters have suggested.

My ex had a "supportive friend from work" when we were together, who he spent lots of time texting. They are now engaged and trying for a baby.

I was playing devil's advocate here, as I often give a male colleague a lift if he's missed a bus, he's on our group WhatsApp which can ding quite late at night with gossip or memes and we all often have lunch together. I wouldn't necessarily tell my husband as its just work colleagues being friends.

But while there's nothing incriminating in their behaviour, the difference is that its a new thing for him. It could just be work banter and innocent lifts, but you are feeling a certain way about it, so maybe gently tell him it's making you feel uncomfortable.

And I feel uncomfortable myself saying that as its unfair if he's completely innocent, but saying nothing won't help matters.

Hope you get it sorted and it's something and nothing.

Maybe the lift was innocent - friend commented about her car in the garage and dh said, he’ll run her home.

However, I agree the evening communication are worrying. It’s probably platonic now, but could easily stray into EA territory, plus his headspace is taken up with replying to her, not with the family.

If they are work related, couldn’t you say to him they can wait until the morning then? Or why dues no one else message him about work late?

This is very concerning, @cruelspringsummer. Your H is showing atypical (for him) behavior and is indeed crossing boundaries. He and this colleague are building their connection and deepening their familiarity by extending contact outside of work — the lift, lunch, and nighttime messaging.

The late night messaging is especially troubling, as this is a very ‘coupley’ thing to do. The time and setting promote an intimate, bonding dynamic. His participation shows that he has opened a window to her and is headed down a slippery slope. He should be distancing, not investing in her.

Address his line crossing and your discomfort asap, @cruelspringsummer. I would be having a very serious conversation about protecting his fidelity with strong boundaries in general and with this woman in particular. He has much to lose if he continues down this path.

How are things going, @cruelspringsummer?

If the workplace is predominantly women then I'm sure they all drive and would gave given her a lift home. CF picking one of the few men to get the lift from!

Agree you have to actively set boundaries and fight to keep a marriage alive.

It seems a trend in my friendship group that the husbands who were all very socially awkward in their 20s and not exactly a lothario are now somehow sex magnets in their late 30s/early 40s. Younger women mainly at work literally propositioning them. They are not used to the attention from women and not all of them can see the obvious consequences.

As someone who has no jealousy and lets my partner do anything..... this makes me uncomfortable.
I think he'd have said something to you if this was normal behavior.

There are tons of them, both sexes as bad as the other bolstering their ego's by trampling on others feelings.

It's a pretty sad existence and shows a definite lack of imagination.

Sorry for the late response/update.

The messages are still ongoing and I’m yet to properly confront him about it. I saw that he’d turned his notifications off - this can’t be a good sign, can it?

He’s being purposefully cunning op! He knows it’s wrong but he is choosing that road, I’m really sorry x

Yes, last night his phone didn’t go off once, so I checked and saw that he’d turned off notifications. This can’t be a coincidence.

I would have never in a million years expected DH to be enjoying this sort of attention. I can’t express enough how his personality doesn’t fit the “type” for cheating. He’s professional and nerdy, not someone who women would typically lust after. I’m struggling to get my head around how or why this is happening.

well some women definitely go for professional and nerdy. And maybe it’s never been his personality doesn’t fit with cheating. it’s more he’s not had that much attention before so the opportunity hasn’t presented itself. It’s difficult to know how faithful a man is sometimes if he has (or thinks he has) no other options. Nerdy or social awkward men often can be cheats too.

Unfortunately workplace affairs are very common but I agree with @RandomForest both men and women behave appallingly with this sort of thing in the workplace . The men are in no way innocent things being seduced by these women.

@cruelspringsummer, your H is becoming more and more invested in developing their relationship. His turning off the notifications is a devious, sneaky move meant to keep you in the dark. He knows what he’s doing.

Your marriage is under threat. H is having cozy bedtime conversations with another woman … a woman he is already spending his days with. He is clearly attracted to the feelings of validation engendered by her attention, and he is using subterfuge. In my view, this is emotional affair territory.

With respect, @cruelspringsummer, why aren’t you confronting him?

I cannot imagine any scenario in which I would EVER message a man from work late at night - let alone frequently. Sometimes the work WhatsApp group chat goes off and I think wtf, why are you making Law jokes at 10pm 

The only exception would be if I had some sort of romantic interest in said person from work.

Obviously not everyone is the same, but it's dangerous territory - her intentions in needing more interaction after they've been in contact all day are unlikely to be innocent, sadly.

And as a PP has said, messaging at night is more intimate than in the day. An unspoken rule universally known. It's someone encroaching on your personal time - the only people I'd speak to at this time are family, very very close friends, and my partner. There are where lines are blurred and emotional affairs start.

There's a chance he's turned notifications off specifically for her OP, yeah. You can also create locked/hidden WhatsApp chat these days.

You definitely need to confront him about it. Just 'don't you think this friendship is becoming a bit too intense? I don't feel comfortable'. If he gets defensive or digs his heels in, he obviously values this 'friendship' over the security of your marriage

I agree with this,

“I cannot imagine any scenario in which I would EVER message a man from work late at night”

Unless you were working on a project that had trials running overnight, etc, which needed sorting, and then it would be obvious, and you would be fully aware of whats going on etc. (or at least I am, because dp is stressed about said project!)

Turning of notifications is to hide these interactions from you.

think think it's interesting how we become more conservative (thankfukky) in our relationships as we age and settle down. What maybe would have been acceptable at university or in our twenties now comes with red flags. People are not stupid and realise how affairs start so are really conscious of work place boundaries.

I wonder if some women don't realise that married senior men are off limits? Do people from a university/social background where fairly open relationships with a range of the opposite sex is normal and all part of being sociable? I wonder if some young women are naieve about the world and don't understand the defensiveness of wives in this situation?

I think a good test for this is to think whether a male colleague would definitely slip such a friendship with your husband. Would Andy from accounts text your husband to check he is OK after a hard day at work?

So I confronted him and unsurprisingly he denied any wrongdoing on his part, and said that they get on well and he’d feel rude by not responding to her messages and calls (I was unaware of the calls!).

I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and that evenings should be family time, which he agreed. However, he often works late at night so there’s no way of knowing whether he’s in contact with her alongside working.

I can’t say I feel any better for talking to him about it 😥

Sorry to read your update. How did he react to you reading his messages?