Page 4 | Dating at 61 - not perfect but is this my last chance?

Cantabulous · 21/05/2024 08:19

PaminaMozart · 21/05/2024 06:11

As a matter of interest, how much does he contribute (£) for the food he eats during these 4 days, the toiletries, the water and energy... Or does he take you out regularly, invite you to the theater or on holiday?

And what's stopping you from telling him how many days/nights you'd actually be happy for him to stay? In your shoes I'd be concerned that he has his feet under the table and is veering into cocklodger territory.

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Thanks. I would say he’s on the right side of cocklodger as he works, has assets and pays his share. But he is needy, which is what is giving me the ick.

ManilowBarry · 21/05/2024 08:36

Let's list all the things he's got going for him -

'Tumbleweed'

He isn't anything. He isn't even a loser as there have been women that have put him up so that he isn't homeless. He is just a big fat nothing .

You would have more enjoyment and less stress buying a teddy bear.

He's not dynamic or interesting and there is absolutely nothing to get excited about at the prospect of seeing him after an absence.

Mischance · 21/05/2024 08:42

His status as a bit of a hanger-on throughout his life is not the bit that matters - what does matter is that when he stays with you you find him an irritant and he gets under your feet. So he is not the right person for you.

Original poster

DustyGrapevine · 22/05/2024 23:13

ManilowBarry · 21/05/2024 08:36

Let's list all the things he's got going for him -

'Tumbleweed'

He isn't anything. He isn't even a loser as there have been women that have put him up so that he isn't homeless. He is just a big fat nothing .

You would have more enjoyment and less stress buying a teddy bear.

He's not dynamic or interesting and there is absolutely nothing to get excited about at the prospect of seeing him after an absence.

This is so true and definitely something I'm going to take away from this experience. I am not going to beat myself up about it. I gave it time, didn't judge too quickly, but in the end my initial gut feelings turned out to be right.

OP posts:

WayOutOfLine · 22/05/2024 23:24

I think you dealt with this just fine, OP. It is hard to know what's going on sometimes, and someone might be fun and pleasant to spend time with, but on further reflection you realise there are big problems. You realised, you checked them out, you left him, so I don't think any huge harm is done here.

In a way it's good you know you are up for meeting someone, or at the very least, going out to restaurants, walks and so on, there may be other women in a similar situation and I would get friends who want to do similar (I have these) and so if you meet someone that'll be a nice extra and not the main way you get to enjoy yourself.

Both my grandmas and my mum met men over the age of 65 so I know these things don't have to die down unless you want them to. A lot of women are choosing a satisfying single life though- my attitude is you don't need to decide that anyway, you can leave that open to the universe!

Original poster

DustyGrapevine · 22/05/2024 23:35

WayOutOfLine · 22/05/2024 23:24

I think you dealt with this just fine, OP. It is hard to know what's going on sometimes, and someone might be fun and pleasant to spend time with, but on further reflection you realise there are big problems. You realised, you checked them out, you left him, so I don't think any huge harm is done here.

In a way it's good you know you are up for meeting someone, or at the very least, going out to restaurants, walks and so on, there may be other women in a similar situation and I would get friends who want to do similar (I have these) and so if you meet someone that'll be a nice extra and not the main way you get to enjoy yourself.

Both my grandmas and my mum met men over the age of 65 so I know these things don't have to die down unless you want them to. A lot of women are choosing a satisfying single life though- my attitude is you don't need to decide that anyway, you can leave that open to the universe!

Thanks. I feel a bit foolish but this makes me feel better. The annoying thing is, I've been happily single for years. I moved to the country, bought a house, made friends, got a dog and have really been enjoying life. This guy came out of the blue and I fell for it! You're right though, it's made me realise that maybe I would be open to dating someone, but it's also sharpened my thinking on exactly what I want (and don't want). And if no one comes along, I'm really happy being on my own.

OP posts:

HappyJadeUser · 30/11/2025 18:32

Likemeet man

CatzAndDogs · 30/11/2025 20:35

You've done really well. I was same, not even thinking that I would meet someone else and not that bothered, just getting on with life then.... him. And meeting him made me think that he was only one that would ever be interested but in reality, you are doing great. You don't need him and if you want someone else, you'll find it

Nosdacariad · 30/11/2025 20:38

DustyGrapevine · 05/05/2024 05:54

I’m 61. 4 months ago, I started dating a guy after eight years of being single.

I wasn’t looking for a man. I met him in real life through a mutual activity. He was very keen and courted me very sweetly, and at first, I thought he was lovely, although I didn’t particularly find him physically attractive.

I was happy to be getting out to restaurants and bars and picnics and days out as a couple - all sorts of things that I haven’t done for years. So far so good.

The problem is the more I’ve got to know about him the less I like him. His behaviour towards me is still positive, but his life story is a real ick for me.

He was married for 30 years, and for that entire time, they lived in a property owned by his ex-wife’s parents. He also worked for his wife in her business. He didn’t save any money or acquire any property of his own during this time. Just lived for free. That’s a massive turn off for me. I’m not sure if I’m being unfair about this.

After he divorced 3 years ago, his sister got him a job and he lived for free in a property owned by his sister. That job fell through. Now he lives with his parents who recently bought him a car. He’s 58.

He has now started a job which means we’ve gone semi long distance, but when he’s in town he now assumes he’s coming to my place. I find this too much too soon. We’ve gone from 3 months of lovely dates to him arriving on a Friday night and being stuck with him all weekend. This is nice for him but my life is on hold every weekend because I feel like I have a house guest underfoot the whole time. Plus I have to rush around before he comes - cleaning and shopping. I work full time so I treasure my weekends.

He also seems to have slumped into domesticity when at mine. He’s stopped planning dates like he did in the beginning, but even when we have plans he ‘can’t be arsed’ getting changed to go out in the evening. I am beginning to feel like I’m giving him the ‘husband experience’ that he’s been used to for the last 30 years, but there’s not much in it for me.

I own my house, have a good job, a good pension. I’m 100% self made and have educated myself and built everything I have from my own hard work. This guy has nothing to his name at 58.

Am I being massively judgemental based on material things? I’m very tempted just to end it, but I’m also thinking it might be nice to have someone to grow old with. My Mum died recently and he was very supportive and kind and I felt so lucky that I’d met him and didn’t have to go through this alone.

I can’t stop ruminating on this. Do I end things or do I overlook the issues that I’m judging him for and just appreciate that he’s kind, attentive and good company? I’m mindful I may never find this again .

I think they call his type "cocklodgers"

You can do so much better x

Nosdacariad · 30/11/2025 20:43

DustyGrapevine · 05/05/2024 06:54

Thanks everyone. I really needed this. Maybe I painted him too negatively. He does have good qualities and is good company, but you're all helping me to see the main problem that's been bugging me. The freeloading past and the fear that he will be a drain in the resources I've worked hard for.

Sometimes we need to express our fears and gave them validated by other women to get that clarity we need! I don't have any friends my own age either. So I've had no one to talk to about this.

I've realised that for at least the last month I've had constant low level anxiety about him.

The other issue is, I can never get a straight story out of him. I've pieced together most of his history just by chipping away asking and re-asking questions to assemble this mosaic of information. It's not like he sat down and told me his life story openly.

I've had this niggling feeling from the start that he hasn't been completely transparent with me. Another mutual friend (gay man) also commented that he seems to be slippery about his timeline!

I mean, I don't think he's my ex but this is ringing a LOT of 🔔🔔🔔

GingerPaste · 30/11/2025 20:51

DustyGrapevine · 05/05/2024 06:54

Thanks everyone. I really needed this. Maybe I painted him too negatively. He does have good qualities and is good company, but you're all helping me to see the main problem that's been bugging me. The freeloading past and the fear that he will be a drain in the resources I've worked hard for.

Sometimes we need to express our fears and gave them validated by other women to get that clarity we need! I don't have any friends my own age either. So I've had no one to talk to about this.

I've realised that for at least the last month I've had constant low level anxiety about him.

The other issue is, I can never get a straight story out of him. I've pieced together most of his history just by chipping away asking and re-asking questions to assemble this mosaic of information. It's not like he sat down and told me his life story openly.

I've had this niggling feeling from the start that he hasn't been completely transparent with me. Another mutual friend (gay man) also commented that he seems to be slippery about his timeline!

Yeah, this is because he has something to hide and/or something he’s embarrassed about. He might be ‘nice’ but it sounds like there will be a mass of problems in the future.

PaminaMozart · 30/11/2025 22:42

ZOMBIE THREAD…

ChaliceinWonderland · 30/11/2025 22:46

Meadowfinch · 05/05/2024 06:30

No YANBU. He is a lazy freeloading git.

I'm roughly your age and I've found there are an astonishing number of men our age who are the same.

They've spent 30 years being 'mothered' by long suffering wives who, once the children have flown the nest, have come to their senses and sought a divorce.

The men now have a wife-shaped hole in their life. They expect someone to fill it, who will cook & clean for them. They've had to divide their equity when the wife left so they often don't have property of their own. Many seem to divorce, treat themselves to the car their wife would never allow them to buy, and then wonder why they can only afford a one bed flat that rapidly turns into a pigsty.

The rule is the same at any age. Don't stay in a relationship that leaves you feeling less happy. As this one clearly does.

Edited

All of the above!!

Original poster

DustyGrapevine · 01/12/2025 19:41

PaminaMozart · 30/11/2025 22:42

ZOMBIE THREAD…

Hi all. It’s me, the OP. I’ve been away from Mumsnet for a while, but I’ve received some email alerts about comments so I popped back in to take a look.

I’ve missed this place! This was a really significant thread for me. The advice and solidarity genuinely helped set the foundation for how I want my life to be. I’m very happy single but I’m very clear on boundaries if ever I meet anyone who piques my interest. I think this thread would resonate with a lot of women. I hope it helps others as much as it’s helped me. xx

OP posts:

Original poster

DustyGrapevine · 01/12/2025 19:43

Nosdacariad · 30/11/2025 20:43

I mean, I don't think he's my ex but this is ringing a LOT of 🔔🔔🔔

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OMG really? I’m in Australia..

OP posts:

Mischance · 01/12/2025 20:40

You have dodged a leech!

Nosdacariad · 01/12/2025 21:04

DustyGrapevine · 01/12/2025 19:43

OMG really? I’m in Australia..

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Not my ex but maybe a type.

Runlikesomeoneleftgateopen · 01/12/2025 21:34

Like you l was single for years ,mostly by choice, last year l met someone whilst out and about, l had bumped into him briefly a few times previously but we got talking and arranged to go out.
The reason it works so well is that we both have our own homes and separate finances l don't want to share my home with another man again.
I am 57 years old and don't look at him as my last chance, you can fall in love at any age and stage of life and to be honest l was perfectly fine on my own.
I think this man is definately taking advantage of you and your be better off calling time on him staying over at the weekend. Alarm bells don't ring for good reason. Trust your gut. Is there anyway you can check up on his past?