Dating at 61 - not perfect but is this my last chance?

[DustyGrapevine]

I’m 61. 4 months ago, I started dating a guy after eight years of being single.

I wasn’t looking for a man. I met him in real life through a mutual activity. He was very keen and courted me very sweetly, and at first, I thought he was lovely, although I didn’t particularly find him physically attractive.

I was happy to be getting out to restaurants and bars and picnics and days out as a couple - all sorts of things that I haven’t done for years. So far so good.

The problem is the more I’ve got to know about him the less I like him. His behaviour towards me is still positive, but his life story is a real ick for me.

He was married for 30 years, and for that entire time, they lived in a property owned by his ex-wife’s parents. He also worked for his wife in her business. He didn’t save any money or acquire any property of his own during this time. Just lived for free. That’s a massive turn off for me. I’m not sure if I’m being unfair about this.

After he divorced 3 years ago, his sister got him a job and he lived for free in a property owned by his sister. That job fell through. Now he lives with his parents who recently bought him a car. He’s 58.

He has now started a job which means we’ve gone semi long distance, but when he’s in town he now assumes he’s coming to my place. I find this too much too soon. We’ve gone from 3 months of lovely dates to him arriving on a Friday night and being stuck with him all weekend. This is nice for him but my life is on hold every weekend because I feel like I have a house guest underfoot the whole time. Plus I have to rush around before he comes - cleaning and shopping. I work full time so I treasure my weekends.

He also seems to have slumped into domesticity when at mine. He’s stopped planning dates like he did in the beginning, but even when we have plans he ‘can’t be arsed’ getting changed to go out in the evening. I am beginning to feel like I’m giving him the ‘husband experience’ that he’s been used to for the last 30 years, but there’s not much in it for me.

I own my house, have a good job, a good pension. I’m 100% self made and have educated myself and built everything I have from my own hard work. This guy has nothing to his name at 58.

Am I being massively judgemental based on material things? I’m very tempted just to end it, but I’m also thinking it might be nice to have someone to grow old with. My Mum died recently and he was very supportive and kind and I felt so lucky that I’d met him and didn’t have to go through this alone.

I can’t stop ruminating on this. Do I end things or do I overlook the issues that I’m judging him for and just appreciate that he’s kind, attentive and good company? I’m mindful I may never find this again .

He's looking for his next meal ticket.

Well done! I think if you say the word "golddigger" it conjours up the image of a 25 year old female glamour model married to an elderly billionaire. I've never met anyone like this, but I've met a huge number of middle aged men, usually recent divorcés, who were dating because they wanted someone else to provide them with fancy holidays and a free house. There really isn't enough awareness of this (outside MN of course) and we older women risk being suckered into the idea that we are lucky to have a man, whereas in reality we're usually the ones getting the crappy side of the bargain.

At least you know what to look out for if you decide to date again!

Well done OP. I've had similar issues with two previous men and finally ended it (after far too long).

From what I’ve observed I do think women are conditioned to think ‘having a relationship’ means ‘racing as fast as possible to cosy domesticity’ - even when we’re past retirement age.

If you meet as 19 year old undergraduates, of course you face challenges together and supporting each other is just part and parcel of life. If you meet at 30 you each have your own lives and goals but you might gracefully accept a bit of give and take to enable the relationship to work. But if you meet at 60? The other person’s life challenges are not your responsibility to solve. They’re struggling to get to their too distant workplace? Not your problem. They don’t have anywhere decent to see their children at weekends? Not your problem. They can’t cook? Not your fucking problem. Don’t take on their issues and difficulties. A new relationship should only ever be a source of enjoyment at this age - once the other person starts to lean on you to make their life possible - drop.

Well done OP, you've certainly dodged a bullet there, red flags aplenty with that freeloader! So great to see Mumsnetters giving robust and excellent advice and you following it too! You will know exactly what to look for ( and avoid) if you decide to date again, he certainly wasn't your last chance but instead an excellent learning curve for the future.

Good thread OP. Some very life-affirming answers from it’s not over to being alone and fancy-free is a million times better.

I’m a similar age and can see how you fell into this situation. (I will do a separate thread I think on this). I do feel my options are limited now. And this sense of last chance can create these kinda problems. I think this can start for women in their 40s and can lead to ‘second-guessing’ dating which creates this weird kind of anxiety - about someone you don’t even really want!!

I think you might be being too harsh regarding his financial situation when married.

"He was married for 30 years, and for that entire time, they lived in a property owned by his ex-wife’s parents. He also worked for his wife in her business. He didn’t save any money or acquire any property of his own during this time"

That situation probably worked fine when married, but left him with nothing when divorced. Why didn't he get a share of the business as part of the divorce settlement?

His behaviour after the marriage is certainly concerning - e.g. relying on family to find him jobs and buy him cars.

I wouldn't want to be with somebody that lacked the initiative to find their own job or the self-respect to buy their own car (you can get a reliable second hand car for under £1000).

His lack of assets and pension will be a real problem in retirement.

I'd end things and move on with your life.

@DustyGrapevine

I missed your original posts but I'm really curious. Did he pay towards his costs when he stayed each weekend?

I also wonder sometimes if some people just want a generic kind of partner. Eg for some men, you are a woman’s and you’re nice and you fulfil some womanly traditional role. (And vice versa for women). I’m not saying there’s anything particularly wrong with that. However, others need something above and beyond. I’m the latter. And that makes the dating pool much smaller.

It's only been 4 months yet he's there every weekend, for the whole weekend. I can see that would be too much given that you work Monday to Friday. What would he do if you said you were busy doing something for a weekend? It would be worth a try to see if he gets demanding or not.
However, given that its only been a few months, it shouldn't be too hard to end it. Just say its not working for you and you feel there's something missing - you don't have to be specific.
Does he still do the activity you met him at, or was that just a way he could spot the next woman to give him a cosy convenient life?

All of this!

I'm mid 50's and gave up actively looking for someone a few years ago. The overwhelming majority of men I met were looking for someone with a nice home they could move into and a woman to take care of them.

If I were to ever consider a relationship again, he would need to be completely independent. Own home, own income, own life! I will never live with anyone again as I see no way in which it would benefit me.

Well said, @Tiredandfedupofit !

It’s a real dilemma. I’m 61 and very Independent. My DP stays here 4 nights a week, makes me tea, cooks two nights, mows the lawn, puts out the bins, is incredibly supportive (my DF died) and is really good in bed. Perfect. But he wants to move in permanently, even get married. No! Why? Why can’t he just accept being on his own a bit? Is it money?

Bleugghh. I’m fed up with men being needy, pushing boundaries and just generally being lame.

Oh, @Cantabulous … I guarantee the quality of both tea and bed would fall off a cliff if he moved in. And you’d be lucky if he cooked once a month.

To me even four nights sounds a bit claustrophobic though!

Ha ha you may be right about the tea! He would soon get hungry if he didn't cook though. And he has unfailingly shown by his actions that he's a lovely person. But yes, it is claustrophobic, even at 4 nights. I can't do 7. He knows this but is ever hopeful I'll change my mind...

Get a lodger.
Mine pays £650 a month. Then find someone else to go on dates with or just do nice things yourself.

Cocklodger 🚩

Honestly I’d rather be single fir the rest of my days than deal with anything on that list.

At least he does a few chores. The guy I'm talking about proudly announced one day l: "I've cleaned your fireplace!" I came in, genuinely delighted, saying "oh wow, thanks! What did you use to clean the glass?" He didn't. He'd just scraped out the cold coals and ash and left them in the bucket beside the fireplace. I still get annoyed thinking about that!

As a matter of interest, how much does he contribute (£) for the food he eats during these 4 days, the toiletries, the water and energy... Or does he take you out regularly, invite you to the theater or on holiday?

And what's stopping you from telling him how many days/nights you'd actually be happy for him to stay? In your shoes I'd be concerned that he has his feet under the table and is veering into cocklodger territory.

And he's not even sexy? Nah!

My Nana, who lost her husband (my grandad, obviously) to cancer in their 70s, received a marriage proposal at 80 from a lovely man. She didn't accept but there's no such thing as being too old for love. ❤️

He sounds like a total loser. You can do better than that. Being single is better than that.

3.months in and he is arriving ti stay the whole weekend.
He doesn't take you out on dates.
No!
Whatever your age, never be too worried to be alone to take second best.
I bet in a year you will recent him.
This arrangement suits his lifestyle.
Does he contribute to food or costs for the weekend? I bet not.
Friend zone with no free accommodation or end it.
Some people don't need or want stuff. Men seem to be more likely to only have necessities unless he's ready to move with no notice🤣

I do think this is worth going back to, and considering:

at first, I thought he was lovely, although I didn’t particularly find him physically attractive. I was happy to be getting out to restaurants and bars and picnics and days out as a couple - all sorts of things that I haven’t done for years.

This was definitely a mistake, don’t you think? You wanted to do ‘couple’ things even though the relationship lacked the one fundamental element of mutual physical attraction. In a sense, @DustyGrapevine - you led him on and allowed him to think he could get away with behaviours we might tolerate through a rush of lust and passion.

Obviously, in hindsight, it would have been much better if you had let him know from the start that you didn’t actually want a physical relationship with him and didn’t see the two of you growing old hand in hand.

Perhaps, next time, you will feel more empowered to be honest with dates, and with yourself - and less ready to settle for something unsatisfactory.

How I love this post!