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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficult conversations

59 replies

Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:47

Can anyone help give me some help with having difficult conversations with dh.
We haven't had sex for over a decade which I have been trying to discuss with him for 8 years.
Everything I try he shuts me down usually by blaming me or saying I can't talk to you when you're upset or he doesn't want to talk about it because I might get angry.
I would like to discuss counselling or even separating but we never get that far.
He has even started crying sometimes
I just want to have a good talk with him.
Any help.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2024 21:48

I think you’ve tried and you can’t do these things alone. You must be so lonely. I’d split up 💐

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 21:49

Do you know WHY you've not had sex for so long? Is it a physical problem with him, or are you in the dark about WHY?

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:50

leave him, you deserve better.. he's an areshole!

isn't that the typical MN answer to every single thread?

you have been with this man for 10 years, you'd been badgering him for sex for 8.. what has kept you there for those 8 years?

there is more to a relationship than sex.. clearly cos youve been there for 8 already?

BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 21:51

You need to work out what you want to achieve by having the conversation.

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:52

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 21:49

Do you know WHY you've not had sex for so long? Is it a physical problem with him, or are you in the dark about WHY?

Yes im in the dark I've asked him he says he does want sex then I get rejected so clearly he doesn't want sex he had never initiated. He literally will not discuss anything

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 21:54

Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:52

Yes im in the dark I've asked him he says he does want sex then I get rejected so clearly he doesn't want sex he had never initiated. He literally will not discuss anything

Show quote history

Have you asked outright whether he is suffering with erectile dysfunction?

category12 · 04/05/2024 21:54

He seems pretty determined not to have the conversations.

Perhaps just tell him either you go to counselling together or you'll be getting a solicitor on your own.

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:55

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:50

leave him, you deserve better.. he's an areshole!

isn't that the typical MN answer to every single thread?

you have been with this man for 10 years, you'd been badgering him for sex for 8.. what has kept you there for those 8 years?

there is more to a relationship than sex.. clearly cos youve been there for 8 already?

We've been married 22 years so yes I've been there a long time and yes relationships are not just about sex but I would really like a physical relationship again

OP posts:
quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:56

Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:55

We've been married 22 years so yes I've been there a long time and yes relationships are not just about sex but I would really like a physical relationship again

Show quote history

then i think you already know the answer.. he's held out for 8 years!! thats not a simple 3 week sex ban, thats 8 years! no amount of talking or counselling or anything is going to change him.. for whatever reason, sex is off the table for you.. so your options are stay as you are, or leave!

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:59

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 21:54

Have you asked outright whether he is suffering with erectile dysfunction?

Show quote history

Yes he huffed and puffed and looked at the floor. So i said why don't you get help if it's that he said it wasn't that. I said it's silly to get embarrassed about it (maybe not a good choice of words) he got very angry with me for calling him silly. So still none the wiser really

OP posts:
quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:00

you've been together 22 years... what happened 10 years ago? i assume all was well up to that point?

what ages are you both?

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 22:01

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:56

then i think you already know the answer.. he's held out for 8 years!! thats not a simple 3 week sex ban, thats 8 years! no amount of talking or counselling or anything is going to change him.. for whatever reason, sex is off the table for you.. so your options are stay as you are, or leave!

Show quote history

Yes I think I needed to be told that. I guess no answer is an answer.

OP posts:
quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:01

and to add.. ive been with my husband 11 years, he's diabetic and in the past 3 or 4 years he has suffered with erection issues.. hes 61 and im 57.. he has medication from the GP but to be honest it doesnt work, so we get round it all with masterbation..

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 22:02

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:00

you've been together 22 years... what happened 10 years ago? i assume all was well up to that point?

what ages are you both?

He's 51 I'm 50. I don't know what happened

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 22:02

Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:59

Yes he huffed and puffed and looked at the floor. So i said why don't you get help if it's that he said it wasn't that. I said it's silly to get embarrassed about it (maybe not a good choice of words) he got very angry with me for calling him silly. So still none the wiser really

Show quote history

I think you need to say to him:

"I love you very much and I miss being intimate with you. I want us to seek help together. We can go to the doctor together and see if there's anything that can be done to help. At the minute I am really struggling with the lack of a physical relationship and it would really mean a lot to me if we could take the first step together in seeing what can be done to make that a reality."

Then see what he says.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:07

so it just stopped... one day he was UP and next he was DOWN? do you believe he still loves you?

are you intimate in any way?

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 22:25

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:07

so it just stopped... one day he was UP and next he was DOWN? do you believe he still loves you?

are you intimate in any way?

Obviously not an abrupt stop

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 22:26

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 22:02

I think you need to say to him:

"I love you very much and I miss being intimate with you. I want us to seek help together. We can go to the doctor together and see if there's anything that can be done to help. At the minute I am really struggling with the lack of a physical relationship and it would really mean a lot to me if we could take the first step together in seeing what can be done to make that a reality."

Then see what he says.

Show quote history

I'm tired of saying variations of this

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 22:27

He won't change the situation so you have to accept or move on.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:28

BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 22:27

He won't change the situation so you have to accept or move on.

pretty much this...

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 22:29

BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 22:27

He won't change the situation so you have to accept or move on.

Thank you

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 22:31

I know it's crap. I was with someone where sex was an issue. It's okay to not be happy with none.

Missnoma · 04/05/2024 22:37

I suspect it is ED, he’s convinced himself it will always happen, that he’s avoiding sex which he sees as confirming he’s a failure.

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 22:40

Missnoma · 04/05/2024 22:37

I suspect it is ED, he’s convinced himself it will always happen, that he’s avoiding sex which he sees as confirming he’s a failure.

Yes I think you're right. I guess I want him to have sex with because he wants to so I want him to sort the problem out. But he won't discuss it

OP posts:
Missnoma · 04/05/2024 22:50

In that case believe he does want to have sex with you but his “damned penis” (his opinion) isn’t obliging. Talk to him about what your body isn’t doing as readily as it did thirty years ago (in my case needs lubricant) to reassure him, to lead him to believe he’s one of many, that it’s unimportant and, with you, can be solved. Take the focus off him for a time and he might destress and seek a remedy.