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Original poster

Difficult conversations

59 replies

Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 21:47

Can anyone help give me some help with having difficult conversations with dh.
We haven't had sex for over a decade which I have been trying to discuss with him for 8 years.
Everything I try he shuts me down usually by blaming me or saying I can't talk to you when you're upset or he doesn't want to talk about it because I might get angry.
I would like to discuss counselling or even separating but we never get that far.
He has even started crying sometimes
I just want to have a good talk with him.
Any help.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 22:59

A friend of mine was in this position and her husband was having a very long-term affair with another married woman. They had both agreed not to have sex with their partners. Is there any chance something like that is going on? In my friend's case neither wanted to leave the children.

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 23:13

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 22:59

A friend of mine was in this position and her husband was having a very long-term affair with another married woman. They had both agreed not to have sex with their partners. Is there any chance something like that is going on? In my friend's case neither wanted to leave the children.

I have thought this as a possibility

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 23:16

If I thought that was a possibility, I'd hire a private investigator to follow him so that I knew one way or the other.

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 23:20

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 23:16

If I thought that was a possibility, I'd hire a private investigator to follow him so that I knew one way or the other.

It doesn't add up to an affair tbh there seems no time I only think it's a possibility because its the obvious answer.

OP posts:
Twirlywoo · 04/05/2024 23:24

Are you sure he is straight?

If he's not willing or open to any discussion and offer any reason for it, I would consider leaving.

ThehillIwilldieupon · 04/05/2024 23:24

If it's got to the point where he refuses to discuss something properly for EIGHT years, then it's past the point of even trying to talk about it now. What excuse could he possibly give you OP that would make it acceptable to not have bothered for EIGHT years?!

It's time to go. You don't need to discuss separating. You just tell him what is happening.

Faduckssake · 04/05/2024 23:26

I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums, but after 8 years of him refusing to talk about it I think you might be there. Tell him if he's not prepared to work on your marriage, you are going to file for divorce.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 23:26

My friend had wondered as well but had discarded the possibility because her husband was always at home in the evenings. However, he and the other woman were working together and as both of them were married it suited them to go home in the evenings. I think if someone's having an affair with a single person then it's easier to catch them out but if all the meetings are at work, in the office after work, on work nights out and on days when they say they are at work when they are not, they they are harder to find out.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2024 23:27

Do you really want to have sex with him when he won't even respect you enough to communicate with you, and chooses to insult you instead?

Missnoma · 04/05/2024 23:30

Is he insulting her or presenting lots of excuses not to discuss something which embarrasses him?

Taffydog · 04/05/2024 23:31

He’s deliberately refused to talk about it for 8 years. I actually consider that refusal, and his reaction when you’ve tried to have a perfectly reasonable conversation with him about it, abusive. Even if he by some miracle decided after 8 years that he wants to engage and tackle the problem with you do you really think you’d be able to get past 8 years of him behaving as he has to you? I don’t mean the lack of sex but his emotional manipulation every time you’ve wanted to address it. I’m sorry but I think you’re at the point of either accepting this is how things will always be with him or telling him it’s over.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 23:31

The thing is you will probably find that you don't want to have sex with him now anyway. Those years and years of rejection really do a lot of damage.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2024 23:32

Missnoma · 04/05/2024 23:30

Is he insulting her or presenting lots of excuses not to discuss something which embarrasses him?

Both probably. But however embarrassed you are, it doesn't mean it's ok to blame your partner or make out that they're impossible to talk to. All OP wants to do is talk, so it's pretty insulting, what he's doing.

BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 23:33

Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 23:20

It doesn't add up to an affair tbh there seems no time I only think it's a possibility because its the obvious answer.

Show quote history

Sadly, they will always find the time. Even the ones you're certain never would cheat.

RadRad · 04/05/2024 23:35

Have you asked him if he is having an affair?
I would say You don’t want to talk but I think you are having an affair and if you don’t convince me otherwise, I want a divorce.
Eight years is way too long to circle around the edges, sorry OP.

Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 23:36

Watchkeys · 04/05/2024 23:27

Do you really want to have sex with him when he won't even respect you enough to communicate with you, and chooses to insult you instead?

Tbh I couldn't jump straight in to full sex but some intimacy would be nice.
I guess I still do want to save the marriage rightly or wrongful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 23:39

Taffydog · 04/05/2024 23:31

He’s deliberately refused to talk about it for 8 years. I actually consider that refusal, and his reaction when you’ve tried to have a perfectly reasonable conversation with him about it, abusive. Even if he by some miracle decided after 8 years that he wants to engage and tackle the problem with you do you really think you’d be able to get past 8 years of him behaving as he has to you? I don’t mean the lack of sex but his emotional manipulation every time you’ve wanted to address it. I’m sorry but I think you’re at the point of either accepting this is how things will always be with him or telling him it’s over.

I have told him his behaviour is manipulative but had the same response he said he wouldn't talk about it as i was enraged. I wasn't enraged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepdrankmytea · 04/05/2024 23:40

Watchkeys · 04/05/2024 23:32

Both probably. But however embarrassed you are, it doesn't mean it's ok to blame your partner or make out that they're impossible to talk to. All OP wants to do is talk, so it's pretty insulting, what he's doing.

Show quote history

This is what I'm realising

OP posts:
sunflowrsngunpowdr · 04/05/2024 23:47

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 22:59

A friend of mine was in this position and her husband was having a very long-term affair with another married woman. They had both agreed not to have sex with their partners. Is there any chance something like that is going on? In my friend's case neither wanted to leave the children.

Wow that is an evil conspiracy on their part.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 04/05/2024 23:48

Your marriage is already dead. Have an affair if you don't want a divorce or bite the bullet and divorce now whilst you are still young enough to enjoy single life.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/05/2024 23:51

If it had been 8 months it would be worth trying to fix this, but it’s been 8 years! He’s not going to change or put in an effort after 8 years of you trying to talk to him or acknowledge the problem. He’s obviously happy with the status quo now. I think your options are either to continue living with things as they are and accept this is the best it will get, or decide you deserve better and look to leave him and seek out the kind of relationship you want elsewhere.

Taffydog · 04/05/2024 23:53

I’m sorry I know you want to work on your marriage and are looking for ways to do it but unfortunately he clearly doesn’t. He wants things to stay as they are and has made it very clear he won’t change. You don’t need for him to be ready for a conversation about your splitting up. If that’s what you decide it’s your choice now, you’ve tried enough.

Alwaysbloodytired · 05/05/2024 00:17

Do you get on well other than no sex? Do you share a bedroom?
Are you now more like house mates than a married couple?

Tanyahawkes · 05/05/2024 20:55

I’m so sorry to read that you are going through all of this.

atm I haven’t any advice you haven’t been given already, I do have a question… how is he in himself usually? I am asking this because I believe that if he’s suffering from ED he could be so embarrassed and feeling less of a man that he could have developed depression, anxiety surrounding sex, which will make it worse, insecurities and maybe more issues emotionally that will make it all so much worse.
if any of this is the case and he is still in love with you but cannot bring himself to perform then I would maybe tell him calmly that you love him, you wish to save your marriage and that he needs to listen to you this time, because you wish to go to therapy together to get to the route of the problem, you also wish to try maybe having a night away, some dinner together and pop a viagra and see where it leads, maybe if he sees there is a solution to the problem he maybe will relax and you will get a sex life back.

i wish you all the best and have my fingers crossed for you getting some mutual orgasms back

frozendaisy · 05/05/2024 21:13

I would just say

"I want hot penetrative sex what are my options?"