Difficult conversations

[Sheepdrankmytea]

Can anyone help give me some help with having difficult conversations with dh.
We haven't had sex for over a decade which I have been trying to discuss with him for 8 years.
Everything I try he shuts me down usually by blaming me or saying I can't talk to you when you're upset or he doesn't want to talk about it because I might get angry.
I would like to discuss counselling or even separating but we never get that far.
He has even started crying sometimes
I just want to have a good talk with him.
Any help.

So it’s probably this then.

It’s understandable to be a bit embarrassed, but he’s putting his feelings of embarrassment ahead of your feelings of loneliness and sexual frustration - 10 years?! I can’t imagine any man tolerating enforced celibacy within a relationship and not calling it a day after a few months - a year, or fulfilling that side of things elsewhere.

You have proven your love, patience and understanding for tolerating this situation for so long and remaining faithful and at his side -now it is his turn to prove his love by admitting there is an issue and seeking help.

I've seen a quote somewhere from you on the thread where you've called his embarrassment 'silly' and it really upset him. Are you aware of how invalidating a thing that was to say?

I'm wondering if there's something in this? Intimacy is grounded in validation. If you often think/feel/tell him that his feelings are silly, this might be barring intimacy between you.

Not that this makes his behaviour ok, or makes it your 'fault'. He's responsible for him, and if he feels invalidated, he needs to say so. I'm just wondering about the origins of the problems you're having.

Is there any chance that he may have a fetish that he feels embarrassed about?

It's really simple. Ask him if he thinks there is an issue in your marriage that he'd like to work on? Sex or lack of isnt just about not having sex obviously. Clearly you need support and therapy to get to the issue at hand. If he is not willing then you need to tell him that is not ok for you and you'll need to think about what is next.

Trying to diagnose his issue in a way that makes him feel shame is unlikely to help.

Yes I realise this was a poor choice of words. But I think we all say the wrong things sometimes and I apologised immediately.

@Sheepdrankmytea

Oh, definitely, we've all done it. Just wondered if there might be a pattern you could identify. Accidentally invalidating someone can be very damaging... I'm in the middle of discovering that myself at the moment, in a relationship with only love and good intentions. It's a sort of invisible enemy, borne out of defence.

Sorry if I'm missing the mark, it might not be relevant to you; just thought I spotted a touch of it.

I think there is is a touch of it on both sides after 8 years of being brushed off I feel invalidated also.

Might you be able to approach the whole issue from there? Via a talk about how validation works, how you feel you might be doing it to him, see if he opens up a bit from there?