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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Shut your fucking mouth"

59 replies

YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 21:17

Not sure why I'm posting. I know it's awful. It's not how he would speak to strangers, friends, let alone someone he says he loves....

In front of two young kids too. Worse.

No excuse. No explanation will support it.

He apologised, I said we needed to talk seriously about it. He got moody. He's playing with the silent treatment.

Kids are in bed and I NEED to have the conversation. It's not the first time. It won't be the last.

I'm going to keep this thread.

Need a hand hold.

OP posts:
ScottBakula · 04/05/2024 21:23

You need to push him out the door and "shut the fucking door " behind him !

The only time something like shut your mouth should be said is if you were saying something very nasty and untrue about someone he knew well, but even then a proper discussion would be much better

vipersnest1 · 04/05/2024 21:24

You know what to do, OP.
Good luck.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:24

well we can't comment because there is no context!

Pantaloons99 · 04/05/2024 21:27

All I've gleamed is that this isn't the first time. He doesn't sound like a nice guy. Are there any redeeming qualities? I'm guessing this isn't a ' oh shut the fuck up' haha jokey type conversation?!

MsFaversham · 04/05/2024 21:27

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:24

well we can't comment because there is no context!

There is no context where ‘shut your fucking mouth’ is acceptable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2024 21:28

It could be the last time of if you want it to be. I wouldn’t waste my time having a conversation.

Screamingabdabz · 04/05/2024 21:30

The silent treatment is very clever. Means they don’t have to justify their fucking indefensible behaviour and will hope to wait it all out.

Nope fuck that. You ask him very calmly “now the kids are in bed do you mind telling me why you think it’s acceptable to speak to me like that?”

Make sure you have in your back pocket:
”why are you raising your voice? I’m not raising my voice.”
“would you speak you your boss like that? Why is it acceptable to talk to me like that?”
”You may be angry, but that is not a reason to talk to me so horribly and disrespectfully - especially in front of the children.”
“I’m not making you do anything. You are responsible for your own behaviour.”
etc etc

Ladyprehensile · 04/05/2024 21:31

If you’re going to have “the conversation” you need to make up your mind what you hope to gain from ig before you start it? What outcome do you want?

If you intend to kick him out or indeed leave yourself, you need to have a plan to get through all that.

Im not saying you shouldn’t have the conversation but don’t make a knee jerk reaction. Stay calm and make plans first. He sounds vile.

pikkumyy77 · 04/05/2024 21:31

LTB. That is all.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:31

MsFaversham · 04/05/2024 21:27

There is no context where ‘shut your fucking mouth’ is acceptable.

Show quote history

well there is! has the OP been the instigator of something and the partner or husband is hurt and upset?

everyone has assumed that the partner is the instigator... maybe the OP has been arguing in front of the children with partner and has been really really vile, and the partner has just lost their temper and shouted?

agreed swearing in front of children is not acceptable.. but we have no idea what led us to this point do we

bomi · 04/05/2024 21:32

He shouldn't be talking to you like that in front of the children. In an ideal world, he w

bomi · 04/05/2024 21:33

In an ideal world, he wouldn't speak to you like that at all but relationships are never perfect.

Can I ask why caused him to speak to you like that?

MsFaversham · 04/05/2024 21:34

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:31

well there is! has the OP been the instigator of something and the partner or husband is hurt and upset?

everyone has assumed that the partner is the instigator... maybe the OP has been arguing in front of the children with partner and has been really really vile, and the partner has just lost their temper and shouted?

agreed swearing in front of children is not acceptable.. but we have no idea what led us to this point do we

Edited
Show quote history

If my partner said that to me they would be my ex.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:39

MsFaversham · 04/05/2024 21:34

If my partner said that to me they would be my ex.

Show quote history

even if you provolked it? MN lives in this fantasy world where all woman are superheros and all men are scum.

in the real world, you have male victims of domestic violence as much as you do female ones! women can be vile and nasty.. just as much as men can.

i like to hear both sides of an arguement before i make a decision

Original poster
YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 21:39

He was getting angry frustrated opening a box of cakes from the bakery. He hadn't appreciated it was taped on the sides as well as the top. He was pulling at the side one handed, awkwardly, and I had said something along the lines of "You're not that strong"... see thread title.

He'll try and justify it. I'll let it slide but I feel like I can't this time. It was so unexpected. It was disrespectful. Just so out of context with the conversation we were having.

I feel sick. I think I'll say that I'm not looking for a conversation, he needs to listen to what I say and I'll say that it's unjustifiable and a vile way to speak in front of our kids. He wouldn't have his daughters spoken to like that. He wouldn't speak to strangers/friends/workmates like that. It's unacceptable to speak to me like that. Apologies aside. Line in the sand. The last time.

OP posts:
StMarieforme · 04/05/2024 21:40

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:24

well we can't comment because there is no context!

So you'd excuse this in some contexts?

Iggityziggety · 04/05/2024 21:40

I wouldn't bother with the conversation. He's the one that's fucked up, why isn't he starting the conversation? He apologised, and wants to leave it there because saying sorry is easy and he doesn't want to have to go any further because it no doubt makes him feel shit and would mean having to hear your boring old feelings about his behaviour. Much easier just to sulk because it hasn't been forgiven and forgotten straight away, attempting to neatly position you as the current bad guy.
I had countless 'conversations' with my ex after being verbally abused or worse and in hindsight I was trying to get him to make me feel alright about it, to get that magic acknowledgement that he'd really hurt me and some sort of commitment not to do it again. Then I could gaslight myself into thinking it was all OK for a bit longer whilst he continued the moody silence as if I'd done something to him. What I have now realised is if a man can behave like that to you in the first place, they aren't going to be the sort of man who is fussed about making you happy.

RoderickHosclassicblackhoodie · 04/05/2024 21:41

Poor kids.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 04/05/2024 21:42

If what I think "have the conversation" actually means then you might as well not bother. You cannot reason with unreasonable people. Either end it or accept that this is the life you choose.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:43

StMarieforme · 04/05/2024 21:40

So you'd excuse this in some contexts?

Show quote history

absolutely...

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/05/2024 21:45

It's not the first time. It won't be the last

I'd make damn sure it was the last time.

Thevelvelletes · 04/05/2024 21:49

Fuck off ,is one thing
Shut your fucking mouth has threatening conations.

Original poster
YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 21:51

God. It's not where I thought I'd end up either.

I'm a professional woman. I could financially manage on my own. I made sure of that after my upbringing but I have a hard time with step parents, also due to upbringing. I didn't have kids to parent them 50% of the time.

I know it's damaging to the kids. I know it's like a big festering open wound. Doesn't make the reality any less scary.

I get ALL the comments. I understand. I should be there but I don't know if I am yet.

OP posts:
quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 21:53

Thevelvelletes · 04/05/2024 21:49

Fuck off ,is one thing
Shut your fucking mouth has threatening conations.

does it? it might if they said 'shut your fucking mouth or else'.. i know some of you gentle MN'ers believe that we live in a world of hearts and flowers, but actually there are people out there who swear.. they don't even know they are doing it, its just part of their daily language.

the OP admits she was teasing her partner about his strength and therefore his masculinity over a simple task.. maybe it was just the straw that broke the camels back?

WarshipRocinante · 04/05/2024 21:58

Do you often make little jibes to him? Maybe he also feels really fed up of how you talk to him.

Obviously what he said was out of order, totally. The disdain in it and the vitriol. And in front of the kids… it’s not on. But how do you talk to him too?