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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Shut your fucking mouth"

59 replies

YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 21:17

Not sure why I'm posting. I know it's awful. It's not how he would speak to strangers, friends, let alone someone he says he loves....

In front of two young kids too. Worse.

No excuse. No explanation will support it.

He apologised, I said we needed to talk seriously about it. He got moody. He's playing with the silent treatment.

Kids are in bed and I NEED to have the conversation. It's not the first time. It won't be the last.

I'm going to keep this thread.

Need a hand hold.

OP posts:
Original poster
YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 22:10

I'll take the last two comments on the chin. I wasn't teasing or jibing to my mind. It could come across to him like that - I'll accept it.

However, shut your fucking mouth isn't the response to that. 1 to 100 in a millisecond.

If he feels like that comment was a slight against his masculinity then I'll also concede. We'll both commit to being better.

I'm usually quite self aware. It felt completely disproportionate. I feel like he feels like that to hence his atmosphere.

OP posts:
quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:12

YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 22:10

I'll take the last two comments on the chin. I wasn't teasing or jibing to my mind. It could come across to him like that - I'll accept it.

However, shut your fucking mouth isn't the response to that. 1 to 100 in a millisecond.

If he feels like that comment was a slight against his masculinity then I'll also concede. We'll both commit to being better.

I'm usually quite self aware. It felt completely disproportionate. I feel like he feels like that to hence his atmosphere.

it could be if he's fed up of the teasing.. you think you are just having a laugh and a joke, but if its constant, never lets up.. and sometimes yes, it goes from 0 too 100 in that nanosecond?

perhaps you both need a breather...

Original poster
YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 22:18

It's not constant. No. Again, if he feels like that then we need the conversation. If that were the case I doubt he would have so readily apologised. I'm usually typecast as the baddie that provokes behaviour.

Genuinely, I'm not.

OP posts:
whoamI00 · 04/05/2024 22:23

If you give him some space, after a couple of days, does he talk to you?

Copperoliverbear · 04/05/2024 22:23

I would say yes I will shut my mouth as you are closing the door on your way out with your bags,
Now fuck off because you aren't wanted here anymore.

Dadjoke007 · 04/05/2024 22:25

God, my ex-wife and I probably said this to each other every week or so, and still got 20+years out of us - just the way we were. Sometimes on both sides it was un-warrented and sometimes it was.

In an ideal world should it have happened? No, but it did and seriously, has no-one on here lost their shit with the other half - be it them to blame, being hangry, just stressed with work or something else.

When we did speak like that to each other it may have been resolved quickly or it might have been silent treatment for a while but we got over it - it was other things that broke the marriage.

That said, my last relationship NEVER had a cross word so maybe that is the norm, I dont know.

Original poster
YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 22:29

It depends.

He's speaking today but it's awkward and atmospheric because I didn't just accept the apology and move on. Said we needed to speak. I don't feel like speaking when it's like this. Mission accomplished. It goes back to a semblance of normality till another time. Cycle continues.

I'm not perfect. This felt harsh and venomous. Kids kicking about finishing lunch and he says that...

OP posts:
Original poster
YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 22:32

I don't think I've ever told him to shut his fucking mouth. Certainly never in front of kids.

Who am I kidding like that would go down well anyway?!

Regardless, it's not the household that I want my kids to be brought up in.

OP posts:
Agii · 04/05/2024 22:35

Just remind him that you won't tolerate such way of speaking and threaten to move out...he is likely to beg you no to. No context needed, cannot speak to a person you love like that.

I've been said such things in the past and I started treating him with his own medicine - silent treatment, then planned to leave him and that surprisingly fixed these things. Trauma stayed, but working on it.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:36

then leave... youve said it yourself, this isn't the first time.. you are implying with all your replies theres a darker side to him.

'who am i kidding like that would go down well anyway!'

get out.. pack your kids bags and go.. go to a friends, go to your parents, go somewhere that is not there.

report it to the police.. have him arrested and removed from the house, make him find somewhere else to live..

but i bet you don't!

no amount of gentle words will stop it happeneing again and again, no amount of you being firm is going to make life rosey and happy...

just go

Italianita · 04/05/2024 22:38

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
YerGlaikit · 04/05/2024 22:40

No, you're right. I won't. I don't have the courage.

I am going to try and have the conversation.

OP posts:
DoYouSmokePaul · 04/05/2024 22:40

I’m appalled that anyone would excuse this! It’s certainly not a pipe dream of hearts and flowers to believe that everyone should be with a partner who would not tell them to shut their fucking mouth. JESUS WEPT

FuckTheClubUp · 04/05/2024 22:42

MsFaversham · 04/05/2024 21:27

There is no context where ‘shut your fucking mouth’ is acceptable.

Show quote history

There definitely is

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

they have had a verbal arguement... he has been abusive towards her, shes implying that this isnt the first time and shes implying hes done worse...

ofcourse you cant be arrested for simply saying 'shut your fucking mouth' but if its putting the OP under alarm and distress then yes he can be removed!

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:46

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Dadjoke007 · 04/05/2024 22:47

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:43

they have had a verbal arguement... he has been abusive towards her, shes implying that this isnt the first time and shes implying hes done worse...

ofcourse you cant be arrested for simply saying 'shut your fucking mouth' but if its putting the OP under alarm and distress then yes he can be removed!

Show quote history

Seriously??? My ex and I would have both been arrested 100 times over then!! Yes we split after 22 years and argued a lot in that time, but it was also a good loving relationship for much of it - we were just very similar, easy to antagonise, stubborn, had some big bust ups but also some good times too.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:49

Dadjoke007 · 04/05/2024 22:47

Seriously??? My ex and I would have both been arrested 100 times over then!! Yes we split after 22 years and argued a lot in that time, but it was also a good loving relationship for much of it - we were just very similar, easy to antagonise, stubborn, had some big bust ups but also some good times too.

Show quote history

all abusive relationships have good and bad times, did you often find that things were building up, then you maybe caused an arguement, had a right good slanging match, purely because you knew full well the apologies would come and that all would be well again.

not all domestic violence situations involve actual violence.

MonsteraMama · 04/05/2024 22:55

Dadjoke007 · 04/05/2024 22:25

God, my ex-wife and I probably said this to each other every week or so, and still got 20+years out of us - just the way we were. Sometimes on both sides it was un-warrented and sometimes it was.

In an ideal world should it have happened? No, but it did and seriously, has no-one on here lost their shit with the other half - be it them to blame, being hangry, just stressed with work or something else.

When we did speak like that to each other it may have been resolved quickly or it might have been silent treatment for a while but we got over it - it was other things that broke the marriage.

That said, my last relationship NEVER had a cross word so maybe that is the norm, I dont know.

18 years and still going and no, I've never told my husband to shut his fucking mouth. Or vice versa. Neither of us would tolerate that kind of disrespect. It is possible to have a relationship where you don't "lose your shit" with eachother.

Honestly the shit people put up with and normalise in relationships never ceases to amaze me.

Soonenough · 04/05/2024 22:57

I would have let him have it immediately. Shouted back How dare you speak to me like that and walked away. Not ideal for the kids but you are showing them that it is unacceptable for him to speak to you like that.

Dadjoke007 · 04/05/2024 23:00

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 22:49

all abusive relationships have good and bad times, did you often find that things were building up, then you maybe caused an arguement, had a right good slanging match, purely because you knew full well the apologies would come and that all would be well again.

not all domestic violence situations involve actual violence.

Edited
Show quote history

I would not call it abusive, although based on some threads on here some would have had the police called. Abusive is such a harsh term, I certainly never felt it was abusive towards me and I don't think she did either - a lot of what happened probably was in the later stages of relationship but all the other stuff was what I considered straightforward arguments. We were both never shy of swearing at each other, just the way we were.

Sometimes what I got was justified - sometimes not. Could we have communicated better - sure. Sometimes it was a specific event, others frustration over a period of time. I think a lot of it was because we were so similar and neither backed down so we often made mountains out of molehills.

DoYouSmokePaul · 04/05/2024 23:01

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Well I don’t think that those two people should be together, no.

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 23:01

Soonenough · 04/05/2024 22:57

I would have let him have it immediately. Shouted back How dare you speak to me like that and walked away. Not ideal for the kids but you are showing them that it is unacceptable for him to speak to you like that.

OP has already implied a few times that if she had shouted back, things may possibly have gotten worse...

should the children witness a full blown domestic arguement between their parents? yes its bad enough they witnessed her teasing him, then he shouted at her..

you may not think these things affect children.. but they do, they look and listen and learn, they see mummy teasing daddy all the time, so its ok, they see daddy snapping at mummy, so its ok..

and then when these little ones grow up and get to be teenagers, they then behave in the way they have seen their parents behave!

walking away was the best option

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 23:03

DoYouSmokePaul · 04/05/2024 23:01

Well I don’t think that those two people should be together, no.

Show quote history

indeed....

quietlifeneeded · 04/05/2024 23:10

Dadjoke007 · 04/05/2024 23:00

I would not call it abusive, although based on some threads on here some would have had the police called. Abusive is such a harsh term, I certainly never felt it was abusive towards me and I don't think she did either - a lot of what happened probably was in the later stages of relationship but all the other stuff was what I considered straightforward arguments. We were both never shy of swearing at each other, just the way we were.

Sometimes what I got was justified - sometimes not. Could we have communicated better - sure. Sometimes it was a specific event, others frustration over a period of time. I think a lot of it was because we were so similar and neither backed down so we often made mountains out of molehills.

Show quote history

its a very fine line... at the end of the day, its about how it makes you feel. you've admitted that you gave as good as you got, lots wouldn't.