Is he a serious prospect

[Thinkingabed]

I’m going to indulge a long rambling question about my boyfriend, as I’m curious to hear what MN make of it.

I divorced about 3 years ago. ExDH was faultless domestically-an incredible cook, pulled his weight, hands on dad. However he was also cold as ice to me, could not communicate, and I couldn’t face the rest of my life without so much as a cuddle, let alone sex.

I had some fun dating, and for well over a year I’ve been seeing John. John is fit, handsome, young and hot like fire. He has not got lazy in bed-in fact he’s getting better.

I can be very up and down. This doesn’t phase him, and whatever state I’m in he seems to be able to gently come and get me. After a few hours with him I feel like my best self. So John is also non-judgmental and kind.

He is however fucking useless domestically and has cooked 3 times in the time we’ve been together. I’ve had to spell out for him that this means he needs to pay for meals out, takeaways, and also do the washing up. He took that conversation well and I haven’t had to repeat it. But in general he just doesn’t care for domestic life. Wouldn’t take pleasure in making a room nice, or being a good host. I love all that. We have huge difference in taste. I really love nice things-not necessarily expensive, but carefully sourced, beautiful, nice materials. John has zero regard for all this!

ExDH and I had everything in common. John and I don’t, really. As for core values I think they take time to discover. But he has a small circle of close friends who are also kind, gentle, creative. He’s there for people when they need him.

John also earns a lot-like a lot-of money. But he’s tight-I’m a single mum on UC and he’s been very happy to enjoy my resources without paying even his share, let alone more/a proportion relevant to our incomes. I have raised this and agin it seems to have landed but I found it really hurtful to even have to do so.

Aaaand finally! John doesn’t want children. Mine is 5, and very high energy. They haven’t really clicked. But then John is reserved and lets people come to him, whereas my DC is a huge extrovert who is unsure where they stand with this new person. I’m not sure what to do there other than give it time. We haven’t spend loads of time together.

Soooooo anyway Mumsnet, what do you think? Is John a viable option? How should I proceed? Moving in together has been discussed and I need a way to work out if this is a good idea. He’s a serious person and I really like him.

i doubt it tbh

He is not a viable option and I would argue the only person he loves really is him.

Red flags are a waving here re this man. Do not move him into your home. Your boundaries here, already skewed, are being further got at by him.

There’s no mention about you actually being in love with this man and perhaps you have settled.

He’s tight with money, you have totally different tastes, he sees you as the domestic because things like chores are beneath him and he has not clicked with your child. Why would you want him to be some sort of stepfather figure to your son at all?. He’s a poor partner for you frankly. The sex may be good but the rest of your relationship to him is really poor. Don’t move him in and consider whether you still want him in your life.

I think you'd have been better off with your husband and getting counselling ect to work on your marriage.

Don't worry ...I'll take John off your hands .. 🤣

Wow, no. I used to cry every day! Bumped into a friend on the street once and told her I felt like I was trapped in a metal box. Don’t miss all that one bit. Just this relationship feels like the opposite on every single way and that’s confusing me.

Hmmm interesting. ‘Love’ is an odd concept I think-I get big slushy feelings and want to be with him, but imho real love is something you only know about years and years down the line. So I just haven’t mentioned it as I frankly don’t believe in it at this relatively early stage.

Oh and no way would he be moving in with me-his house is massive, mine is not!

And on boundaries…the things I’ve mentioned, which admittedly have been hurtful, around money and food-when I’ve talked to him, the conversations have been good. He hasn’t been defensive at all. He grew up poor (I didn’t) and hasn’t had money for long.

But yeah obviously I am worried about a future scenario in which I do all the home stuff and he provides shelter and not much else. I would walk straight back out again, of course! But I’m trying to find out if this could work another way. All couples have some differences.

"But yeah obviously I am worried about a future scenario in which I do all the home stuff and he provides shelter and not much else. I would walk straight back out again, of course! But I’m trying to find out if this could work another way. All couples have some differences".

True but the differences here are really irreconcilable. The sex is good but what else is there really here in this relationship?.

He sees domestic tasks as your job because you are female, you have different tastes and he's a tightwad (a red flag in itself).

He does not want children and you have a child; a child he has not clicked with. Do you really want this man to act as a stepfather type figure to your child if or when you move in with him?.

Re your comment: "But yeah obviously I am worried about a future scenario in which I do all the home stuff and he provides shelter and not much else. I would walk straight back out again, of course!"

Easier said than actually done. You ideally do not want to get in to such a situation in the first place. Be very careful here and certainly do not rush into at all moving in with him. If you move into his house with your kid you have no legal rights. And you will need a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a Solicitor beforehand; if he baulks at that suggestion you also have your answer re him. At the very least a whole lot more thought is needed.

I would let John go. You seem incompatible.

John sounds like he’s Mr Right Now rather than Mr Right. The sex is exactly what you need, considering how things were with your ex. I think you know your relationship doesn’t have longevity; you just need to recognise when it’s time to knock it on the head.

I think it's good he's listened when you've said things but you sound very far apart on some things, and the not clicking with your child is a big issue for me.

I committed a MN sin and let my new OH meet my DD quite early. She is only 3 so it was a mummy's friend situation because I wanted to see what he was like. If they didn't click or I got a not ideal vibe he would have been struck out then.

Your child will obviously be your top priority, don't get further in with John to the point you're torn on what to do for you versus your child.

Totally this ^

If it was purely domestic, he has the money to pay others so neither of you would have to do it. What's his large home like, untidy and dirty or does he have cleaners, or miraculously manage to do his own chores fine somehow? If he's too tight to hire people and expects you to do it for free, it's a no go.
However, it's not just a domestic problem and even bigger is not gelling or understanding your DS, or maybe children in general as never wants one. That is the big one of why there should be no future in this. The answer is not to wait it out and include him more, but to involve him less and maybe just have a non serous dating on the side ( which you say is not for him) or end it.
Then you have not much in common and different backgrounds and current circumstances, so that's a 3rd reason.
Against the above you have one pro of sex and affection. When you've been starved of it, it's understandable how this can be a heady experience. Be careful going only for what you wish for. Somewhere out there is a good allrounder, and that's who you get to quicker if you don't waste time on extremes.

Not for the long term, no.

If you're not bothered abut the long term, carry on with it until you are if you want 🤷🏻‍♀️

But don't expect him to change because he won't. And neither will you.

He'll be right for someone but that someone isn't you.

How old are you both?

Tight with money and hasn't clicked with your child are insurmountable obstacles, I think. Fair enough he hasn't had money for long, but it's horrible he's just watching you struggle. I would continue to date him for now though until Mr right comes along as its fun- just be clear to him that you can't commit to him for the reasons you've outlined

I don’t think so either

Mr Right doesn't come along in practice if busy having some fun, it takes special skills to compartmentalise like that. The sort of skills that men display more frequently, though it can suit some women for a while due to circumstances. All depends on what you want and when you want it. If you feel like you might like another DC, no point wasting time on this one.

35 (him), 39 (me). He’s had girlfriends but never a ltr. He’s put work first but is now in his forever home. He always has time for me and I never ever feel like I come second.

I actually think introducing them early makes sense, as long as it’s in small doses. I waited a year as DC was very unsettled in school. With hindsight that was maybe too long as it meant me and boyfriend had established something that didn’t include DC, while my DC could see that we were close and was wondering what the heck had happened offstage.

DC has struggled with new partners. His dad’s gf is warm, family focused, committed, and has been on the scene for years. She moved in with them recently and DC said they hate her, and her dog 🙃. So anyone coming in to my life in a more serious way will need resilience and compassion in spades!

To be brutally honest that’s what I’ve thought until recently, but I’ve seen a different side to him recently that makes me think…maybe this is it? He is so caring and I really like just spending time with him.

Although I will acknowledge that asking Mumsnet what I should do doesn’t demonstrate huge confidence 😂

Semi-compatible is not long-term compatible. I don't think I'd write him off as a long-term prospect but absolutely don't move in with him yet.

He sounds like a very decent Mr Right Now. Good sex, kind to you, makes you feel like your best self. Also, good communication between you. That's all really important. But you're not compatible domestically and you're not going to be able to make him care about "nice things" in the same way you do. You're also quite vague about how he feels about your child. You say he doesn't want kids... but he's happy for you to move yours into his house? What kind of step-dad role are you both envisaging here? Neither he nor your child seem even nearly ready to live with each other.

I think that if you haven't grown up poor you won't understand how anxious spending money can make you feel, so I'm not going to slate him for "tightness". But he has a completely different mental approach to money than you, and if you stay with him you're going to need to continue talking so you can navigate it together. So if you're unahppy merely raising the topic that's not going to be a goer either.

The positive is that you communicate well with each other and can have proper conversations about these things. Decent communication is about the most important element of a healthy relationship. So if you keep that up you have a chance - but it'll take time and effort. Do not move in with him yet!

Thank you @gannett that’s so level headed! He has absolutely no safety net-I’ve never experienced that, I have a long list of relatives I could go live with if the shit hit the fan. So I am really conscious of the emotional difference there. He is generous with gifts at birthday/Christmas etc.

Yeah we’re years off moving in together. I’m just pondering how to move things along. I’m ready for something more serious and I need to find out if that’s him, or move on.

You're very level-headed too, particularly your earlier post where you said you don't believe in "love" at this early stage and you know it takes time to develop.

That's your conundrum really. This does have serious potential, but also a couple of big issues that might be unresolvable. And the answer is you need more time. Which isn't really helpful for what you want to know right now, sorry!

What I will say is that it's OK to take the time you need. You don't have to flip a switch from "casual Mr Right Now" to "forever relationship". It's a gradual process. I think I committed properly, in my head, to DP after about five years - I was very wary of commitment and there were a lot of baby steps to get there.

And if after five years you realise it's not working out, that's fine too. You haven't wasted five years; you'll have had a good five years with good sex and a caring man. Life is just one experience after another, and a relationship that only lasted a short while isn't a bad experience if it enhanced that short while.