Is he a serious prospect

[Thinkingabed]

I’m going to indulge a long rambling question about my boyfriend, as I’m curious to hear what MN make of it.

I divorced about 3 years ago. ExDH was faultless domestically-an incredible cook, pulled his weight, hands on dad. However he was also cold as ice to me, could not communicate, and I couldn’t face the rest of my life without so much as a cuddle, let alone sex.

I had some fun dating, and for well over a year I’ve been seeing John. John is fit, handsome, young and hot like fire. He has not got lazy in bed-in fact he’s getting better.

I can be very up and down. This doesn’t phase him, and whatever state I’m in he seems to be able to gently come and get me. After a few hours with him I feel like my best self. So John is also non-judgmental and kind.

He is however fucking useless domestically and has cooked 3 times in the time we’ve been together. I’ve had to spell out for him that this means he needs to pay for meals out, takeaways, and also do the washing up. He took that conversation well and I haven’t had to repeat it. But in general he just doesn’t care for domestic life. Wouldn’t take pleasure in making a room nice, or being a good host. I love all that. We have huge difference in taste. I really love nice things-not necessarily expensive, but carefully sourced, beautiful, nice materials. John has zero regard for all this!

ExDH and I had everything in common. John and I don’t, really. As for core values I think they take time to discover. But he has a small circle of close friends who are also kind, gentle, creative. He’s there for people when they need him.

John also earns a lot-like a lot-of money. But he’s tight-I’m a single mum on UC and he’s been very happy to enjoy my resources without paying even his share, let alone more/a proportion relevant to our incomes. I have raised this and agin it seems to have landed but I found it really hurtful to even have to do so.

Aaaand finally! John doesn’t want children. Mine is 5, and very high energy. They haven’t really clicked. But then John is reserved and lets people come to him, whereas my DC is a huge extrovert who is unsure where they stand with this new person. I’m not sure what to do there other than give it time. We haven’t spend loads of time together.

Soooooo anyway Mumsnet, what do you think? Is John a viable option? How should I proceed? Moving in together has been discussed and I need a way to work out if this is a good idea. He’s a serious person and I really like him.

😆

Being tight with money is a HUGE red flag for me. In my experience there seems to be some connection between money and love, ie those who are generous or at least fair with cash are also loving. All the men I have ever met who were tight with money also seemed to have some weird underlying personality issues that would make long term relationships miserable.

A big red flag for me here would be that he’s never had a LTR at 39. This is unusual, and suggests that something about relationships is not easy or intuitive (or appealing in the longer term) for him.

He can focus on you very intensely and communicate well in the honeymoon phase, but will this be sustainable? Given that until now he’s always put work first, and he doesn’t want children, and has not had any practice at the sorts of patience and compromise that long term relationships require? Let alone sharing his life with a young child (who he’s not particularly interested in)?

He hasn’t had to share his time and space and attention in 39 years. Most people who are capable of (and genuinely interested in) forming lasting, reciprocal relationships are motivated to prioritise this to some extent earlier on in their lives.

I was thinking 'he seems able to take on feedback this could be ok' until I realized he doesn't want kids or click with your child. This man could never be a live in husband or partner but could be fine as a casual boyfriend on your child free days. If you want a live in partner I'd end it.

Agree with this. I think people are being a bit harsh - sex is obviously not the only quality he has, if he is kind, you feel well and happy when you are with him, and he and his friends are all decent, kind types. He also responds to feedback and communicates well.

But he doesn't sound like marriage/long term/fit to get involved with your child etc... because those elements don't seem to align.

So question is can you just enjoy it as a boyfriend, who you have time with outside of time with your child? Good sex, companionship, and ... to end whenever it ends?

Not everything has to be heading to greater commitment.

Sounds like a perfect shag. I'd keep it at that for now, your dc is only little.

Going from what you've written, your DS not clicking with your son is the biggest no for me.

The inequality regarding money too.
It seems that a clean/ nice home is important to you, that can be done alone if you don't mind doing the lions share, but I get the impression this is more of a fun relationship rather than a serious one

I wouldn’t even contemplate moving in together with a man who doesn’t get on with my child. Your child should come first in all your decisions.

I’m 39! He’s the younger one! I know the ropes but I’m jaded. He is, if anything, a bit naive and seems to think everything will be fine because we like each other. Bless his heart.

Personally I think he sounds great. I think as he doesn’t have any kids himself that the relationship with your son might need a little work and nurturing but it’s not worth writing him off if he is kind to him.

If he’s ok for money the domestic chores can be outsourced so that’s fine by me.

My only reservation in your shoes would be he says he doesn’t want kids now but nature gives him a lot of time to change his mind which isn’t the same for you so I would ensure I felt comfortable he was being totally honest and realistic (and he needs to also view it through the lens of if you and he stay together he will be raising your DS so does he really not want his own child ever, rather than basing his decision on never envisioning having any child in his life which is how he likely previously viewed the situation).

What does “happy to enjoy your resources mean”? Do you mean Hang out in your lovely tidy stylish home while you cook? Possibly after a week of working and you juggling being a single mother?

I don’t think he can be “so caring” if he is “fucking useless” domestically and also “tight” and not gelling with your DD!

Reading between the lines, this might be ok if he a) took the burden off you by doing a shop on a Friday, filling up your car, whisking you away somewhere so you have a break.

I get he may be good at the talk and understanding, seeming to be caring, good sex etc, but talk is easy!! And it’s cheap.

Doing the heavy lifting in life, washing up, tidying up the kitchen while you read DD a story, doing a grocery shop, especially if you are on UC - would show who he really is.

As pp said, Mr right now, definitely not Mr Right.

You seem to be attracted to very intense personalities OP. I mean, you say you yourself are 'up and down', but anyway

There are two big issues here - one is the 'not clicking' with your son. The other, him not caring about 'domestic' stuff and the financial imbalance. You have a taste for beautiful things . He doesn't care. Do you think he'll be happy with you spending as you please? Or care about your domestic efforts?

Keep your lives separate and enjoy what you have for now. Focus on your son.

I get this. I’ve found it a bit more complicated here, though, because he has been open to conversation about it and has changed his behaviour when I’ve asked. He readily shares with me the things he wants for himself-time, affection, humour. I don’t feel I’m getting scraps, if that makes sense.

Someone can be perfect in every single way but if they're a tight arse (especially if they're happy to spend my money) they'd be gone.

Nothing - NOTHING - is more unattractive.

Oh, sorry! Got the ages wrong. Still, at 35 his naivety and inexperience is a problem. Love does not conquer all when you’re living together and there’s a child to consider and big differences in financial power and attitudes to money.

Well, by up and down I mean I have an emotional life….ExDH always acted like that was an incredible demand, too bloody much to keep up with, and I thought I had MH problems. Getting divorced seems to have fixed them, and being with someone who cares how I feel has been a further revelation! I realise John is not the only person who might give me this, but it’s certainly a priority for me now.

I can see what you’re saying about the practical stuff, too. But I had an apparently perfect relationship as far as the practicalities go and it made me deeply, deeply miserable.

DC is of course the most important part of this picture. But like all relationships that will take time. Instant rapport isn’t the same as real commitment. John has serious emotional grit, I can see now. I want a crystal ball to see how that plays out re my child!

What I’m getting at is, it’s easier for him to listen and adapt his behaviour now, when he can go home to the secure base of his big house that he doesn’t have to share with anyone, and have everything exactly as he wants it.

His capacity to see others’ perspectives and be caring and attentive might well change beyond all recognition when he doesn’t have plenty of space and uninterrupted time for his hobbies and interests and long hours at work, and a home that feels like his very own safe space where he can do whatever he likes whenever he likes. There will be reasons he hasn’t lived with anyone before, and he may not even be aware of what those reasons are. And those don’t make him a bad person, but they may not make him a person you will find it as easy to live with as you do to date casually.

Got you @Bunnyhair.

Yeah….all this has floated through my mind! It’s so tricky. I would like to share my life with someone, but realistically, how exactly do I want this to look? I’m too old (I think) to really get the measure of someone in time to have more DC. If I didn’t have kids already that might be different, but I do, and I wouldn’t take the risk.

So either it’s someone who’s been there and done that, with all the attendant baggage and other commitments. There would be a lot to navigate in that scenario!

Or it’s someone who respects and supports my setup, but doesn’t want a family of their own. How does that work re the family I already have, though?

Or do I accept I’m living the core of my life solo for the next decade or so, have fun with boyfriend(s), and pause searching for the one.

This is what I was trying to get at!
@Thinkingabed I mean, it's possible to get someone who pulls their weight and is an empathetic, caring human being.

Regardless of behaviour, you only truly see what someone's like when living with them day in, day out. It's very easy to mask for a few days of living together. You have a child. You can't just disrupt his life by moving another man and then changing course if it doesn't work out.

FWIW I'm somewhat of a John, I earn well and don't care about 'homely' things. Partly because well I have ADHD and struggle to keep on top of basic housework , and partly because I see no point in nice things. Unless it's clothes and makeup I'd rather spend on experiences.

I'd drive a houseproud person nuts with my mess and carelessness quite frankly. Although I'm not stingy, so that's something. Luckily my husband is just as cavalier.

I see no reason for John to rush tbh. He doesn't want kids and is only 35. What's he going to lose by waiting a while until moving in?

Thanks @CaliGurl!

I should say I’m no domestic goddess, my house is a normal house that contains children, I just like making it nice.

You’re right there is no rush, but he does want to feel like we’re going somewhere. I think I need to talk to him about how to do that, and I’m trying to prepare for that as I don’t know what to say!

Many couples have different taste and if he doesn't do much around the house that's easily sorted with a cleaner/help, there are worse things and no one's perfect.

But bearing in mind the fact he hasn't yet bonded with a child of 5 which is usually an easy age, I cannot understand why you are even thinking about a long term relationship with him, let alone moving in with him?!! Doesn't your child deserve better?

Divorced mom here. So here are my 2p.

I think the simplistic way of looking at the situation is to say - he is wrong, not domestic, will never change.

But, I think there is potentially more to this - IF you are not bothered about having one more child. (However, realistically at 39 - you don't have time to leave and meet someone else)

As to the man in question…. He reminds me of an ex I dated a left - for very similar reasons. He was just a couple of years younger than your bf. No actual ‘relationships’ before me. Was focused on career that was going to take years and lots of solitary work. Sexy and attentive. Hot. Nice guy otherwise. Not domestically focused at all. Marriage, kids - not on his mind….
As I was early 30s - and no kids - I left as I needed to know i wanted more certainly, and I knew I wanted kids.

10+ years later - he has grown up. Married with a kid. Not a bad husband by the looks of it. He had his own timing and ‘grew up’ a bit later than many. If I’d stayed - we’d probably made it, although who knows…

What I am trying to say @Thinkingabed - see how you feel. And decide if you are in a rush. And also - what is important.
Realistically - cook; domestic; house-proud AND a sex god is not something that exists.

I think a certain degree of compromise around domesticity is possible.

Your guy sounds like he is not used to being in a relationship. But he seems to be learning and open to feedback. And that is a massive positive sign that makes this a possibility for LT.
(I think I ‘trained’ my ex how to be in a relationship. He turned out an OK husband because of mistakes and learning from our relationship)

As to your son being shy about him. I think given that he is struggling with your Ex’s partner as well - it’s more an issue with accepting parents’ new partners. Not specific to your Bf.

So - on balance, if you are not in a rush - see how it goes? Keep expressing things that don’t work for you - like him not thinking of contributing fairly. See if he is learning and adapting. Make small steps with your son+Bf bonding. He is only 5 - so he is not thinking deep thoughts about your attachment to bf. But it Bf is associated with positive and fun experiences - it can do a long way. Get them
to play computer games? Watch football? Etc

He is making you happy now. It may last or not. Like any other relationship…

Thank you! Yes I can see so many good points, and so much work to be done-but then, maybe that’s life.

I'm not sure what you've done so far. But maybe a weekend away, or even him spending more time with you and your child, would be sensible things to trial before moving in together.

Your OP says you haven't spent loads of time together so surely the solution is to remedy this not jump straight to moving in?

He might not understand the impact that moving in with a child has. After all moving in quickly is the natural next step for people without kids and doesn't do much lasting harm, but that's not your situation. It's another thing you have to spell out for him.

Twst