Is he a serious prospect

[Thinkingabed]

I’m going to indulge a long rambling question about my boyfriend, as I’m curious to hear what MN make of it.

I divorced about 3 years ago. ExDH was faultless domestically-an incredible cook, pulled his weight, hands on dad. However he was also cold as ice to me, could not communicate, and I couldn’t face the rest of my life without so much as a cuddle, let alone sex.

I had some fun dating, and for well over a year I’ve been seeing John. John is fit, handsome, young and hot like fire. He has not got lazy in bed-in fact he’s getting better.

I can be very up and down. This doesn’t phase him, and whatever state I’m in he seems to be able to gently come and get me. After a few hours with him I feel like my best self. So John is also non-judgmental and kind.

He is however fucking useless domestically and has cooked 3 times in the time we’ve been together. I’ve had to spell out for him that this means he needs to pay for meals out, takeaways, and also do the washing up. He took that conversation well and I haven’t had to repeat it. But in general he just doesn’t care for domestic life. Wouldn’t take pleasure in making a room nice, or being a good host. I love all that. We have huge difference in taste. I really love nice things-not necessarily expensive, but carefully sourced, beautiful, nice materials. John has zero regard for all this!

ExDH and I had everything in common. John and I don’t, really. As for core values I think they take time to discover. But he has a small circle of close friends who are also kind, gentle, creative. He’s there for people when they need him.

John also earns a lot-like a lot-of money. But he’s tight-I’m a single mum on UC and he’s been very happy to enjoy my resources without paying even his share, let alone more/a proportion relevant to our incomes. I have raised this and agin it seems to have landed but I found it really hurtful to even have to do so.

Aaaand finally! John doesn’t want children. Mine is 5, and very high energy. They haven’t really clicked. But then John is reserved and lets people come to him, whereas my DC is a huge extrovert who is unsure where they stand with this new person. I’m not sure what to do there other than give it time. We haven’t spend loads of time together.

Soooooo anyway Mumsnet, what do you think? Is John a viable option? How should I proceed? Moving in together has been discussed and I need a way to work out if this is a good idea. He’s a serious person and I really like him.

I find this fascinating and confusing, because it strikes me that neither of you say you are in love. You talk about liking each other. And yet you're wondering about moving in together, even if that's not for a while. I'm not judging and I know you've explained that's how your heart operates, but it's like a foreign language for me, the idea that you're more concerned about him being a bit tight and not very domestic, when you're not even in love with him. Is it that you don't want to open yourself up to falling in love until you're satisfied that he'd be a solid prospect to share your life with? What about him... I find it a bit surprising that he's talking about the future so seriously without having said he loves you?

If you are happy with his view of not having children, it takes any urgency out of needing to make any long term decisions about the relationship. I would not even be considering moving in with someone who did not gel with my child though. Unless that drastically changes it shouldn’t even be on the cards.

@CaliGurl sorry I edited that because it wasn’t right and have left you responding to a post that reads oddly now!

What I mean is, I things to be better for me than they are now. I work hard, I’m doing my house up, I look after myself and my DC. Moving in with him would need to be even better than I can do for myself. And him spending money is the only way he really has to make things nice. I was with someone who had very little for a while and he lived off-grid; he’d built a bath outside surrounded by flowers. It was beautiful and it cost nothing and I loved him for it (among other things).

I don’t know if I’m getting this across really, but for me home is about creativity and vibes, and I don’t feel good in ugly surroundings.

Ha, yeah. There is no way I would consider myself in love with someone inside of 2 years minimum. I have been very, very badly burned in the past. I’m still a romantic at heart but for me love is a state of total openness and trust. And at this stage of life, with finances and family to consider, I don’t know how to get there.

We have said we love each other. I think we both know there’s a lot more to it than that, though.

I’d spend every night with him if I could and he’s the first person I’d call if I got knocked off my bike. Is that love? Maybe!

Sounds a bit cock lodger ish

Another way of putting it @TulipsAndForgetmenots … I would fall out of love pretty damn fast if someone mistreated me, and I’ve wrenched myself away from what felt like a soulmate because I realised he would never cherish me. I need my head and heart to be in play to really go for it! My heart is quite happy with this one, but the practicalities are emotional too.

People are many faceted and you will never get Mr Perfect, it will always be Mr Nearly Perfect, and the same applies to you and about you.

Some people, men and women, don’t pick up on things until they are told or asked.

I think the thing that matters most is how he reacts when you ask him to do things differently. He is obviously very different to your ex and it might be better for you to not compare them.

Think long and hard about your core beliefs and whether you think he’s got similar.

If you don’t want more children, then you could wait a little longer to see how things gel with your child.

@Thinkingabed I totally get that... What you say resonates so strongly with me right now. I've also been burnt (ironically, by someone who has probably been burnt themselves, and we therefore had completely different ideas of what love meant and accidentally burnt each other) and I think you have gained lots of wisdom from your experience. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It sounds like you have a good thing going with this guy. I'm terribly placed to give advice, so I will stick to wishing you well.

Fine as a FWB fun type set up- if you're happy with that, carry on but there's no long term mileage in this if you're looking for something more committed and definitely never ever move him in.

I think you just need to accept that for now John is OK to have some fun with on your child free time but not anything serious or long term. I have primary aged children and feel similar to you about relationships. Ideally I would like to meet someone again and have a living together kind of relationship. The reality is with two kids is that it's probably impossible. I need to compromise and accept for the next ten years that my life is probably going to be FWB on my child free weekends.

Someone who is mean with money is never going to be a good prospect for a long-term relationship.

Excellent point.

I didn't want to use any phrases from your original post, because unlike many on here, my aim isn't to stick the boot in.

But there's a difference between expecting him to contribute, and wanting carte blanche. Paint, bargains at vintage fairs etc all cost money. Fair enough to say, if you're going to put in the effort to make his home look beautiful, then he can least contribute. But if you want him to splurge on quality, well-made stuff that would've taken you a long time to save up for on your own - that's quite unfair. Similar to lifestyle, just because he has the money you shouldn't be expecting an upgrade in holidays etc if he's not that kind of person.

More importantly, you should want to move in with the other person, because you want to share your lives. Financial/domestic labour fairness is one thing. But you're more concerned about living in a pretty house, than combining your lives. That says it all really.

You sound like you've done well for yourself and won't benefit from moving in with him which is fair enough. You also don't know him that well. Been just over a year and you say yourself you haven't spent loads of time together.

He's not worth throwing all of it away for. If he really loves you and is the decent man you think he is, he'll wait. After all. He's lived this long on his own and doesn't want kids.

There's no reason to rush... Unless he wants someone to dump all of the domestic work on, in which case he isn't that nice after all.