How to build my relationship with my MIL who has ADHD? I mistook her behaviour for dislike of me.

[Whilstbabysleeps]

Hi, for a long time I thought my MIL just didn’t like me. She is not emotional and the connection with her is very practical and kind of on her terms. She won’t act say out of kindness or offer support for just the sake to be of use. I found it hard because I’m led by my emotions, I offer help if I think someone needs it. She is suck it up really. For example when I had a miscarriage a few years ago she was just oh well never mind. I have miss judged her. I found out she has ADHD.

Having read up a little I can see that I have mistaken her attitude for dislike when I know she doesn’t dislike me really. I brought it up with my partner who has always said no of course they like you. But when you don’t feel that like it’s hard to act on.

Anyway what I wanted to ask was how can I build on this relationship? Is there anything I can do or any changes I can make to help her feel more comfortable around me. I think just knowing this makes me feel more understanding.

I think the fact that you now know she has ADHD and sees things differently can help. Ultimately it means you have different communication styles so having that in mind can help.
I don't know if it's true for her but for me I find people hinting about things really difficult to navigate. E.g. I need to go shopping but I have to take my car to the garage. Would suggest to some people that they are hinting for a lift but to me it's information. If they said something like my car's in the garage and I need to go shopping, can you help? I'd immediately be willing. In my more close relationships I'm able to offer more as I understand it. Most people I know would say I'm a person who can be relied upon and very helpful. But I need direction.
Also, I would directly ask for help so probably come off as a bit brusque. I just like things clear and concise. It's taken me years to realise that most people don't work that way!

@Littlebluebird123 i have to laugh now looking back at all the birthday and Xmas presents. The most practical things you’d ever think. Washing powder, dustbin bags etc. It really makes sense, I thought she did that because she didn’t like me and being off. Our daughter got one pack of nappies. I think it misses her that people tend to buy things out of emotion. Like awww it’s their first birthday let’s get something meaningful etc.

We have family members with ADHD and/or suspected autism. (I say suspected because it's glaringly obvious, but testing and diagnosis weren't around back in the day - not much use to them now).

Your MIL sounds a lot like my DF. He doesn't do strong emotions - not outwardly. He doesn't do small talk and it wouldn't occur to him to volunteer assistance unprompted. These traits have become more pronounced as he has become older.

Your MILs comment about your miscarriage reminded me of what my DF said when now-DH and I told him we were getting married. He said, "Oh. Ok" - in a fairly flat tone, like we'd just told him we were going to pop down the chippy! DH freaked out, thought my DF didn't like him - I had to explain this is just what my dad is like, and that DF was really happy for us, just not articulating it.

Having grown up with a parent like this, my advice is to do all you can to be comfortable in the knowledge that they like/love/appreciate you, even if they are hopeless at demonstrating this to you in conventional ways. It sounds like your DH is similar to me in this respect.

Once you can take that on board, the day to day interactions become a lot easier - and you become a lot better at hearing all the words unspoken / reading the reams of subtext.

@ListToHunt I was getting upset wondering why she didn’t like me, I’ve not had the best time relationship wise and I was thinking oh not again.

Um....

I know people probably hate me on these threads but I like to remind people that personality is separate to adhd. That could actually be just her.

If you were in my family and suffering a miscarriage, I'd be devastated for you. And I would offer you every bit of help under the sun. I'm also very empathic and very emotions led whilst having adhd.

Unfortunately some people can be arseholes. Adhd or not. I think it's actually pretty unkind she was like oh well never mind. That sounds more like her personality to me.

This doesn't sound like ADHD in the slightest. If anything with ADHD you have problems regulating emotions, definitely not emotionless and practicality is something many struggle with. Have you misunderstood ? Does she maybe have autism?

Oh I’m not sure, perhaps I’ve misunderstood what they were talking about at the time, I thought I heard ADHD. She has suffered trauma in her life as a young girl loosing a parent so I thought that was why she was so closed emotionally. There is definitely something. For example she stock buys and hoards things but emotional things like wedding dress gets thrown. She won’t buy one ketchup she will buy 20.

Honestly, nothing you have described sounds like ADHD. Has she actually been diagnosed with anything?

It’s what has been said because one son has it.

I don't think buying someone bin bags for Christmas is an ADHD thing just a shit gift giver thing...

So are they just speculating or is she saying she is diagnosed? She sounds maybe autistic rather than having adhd. Often if one type of neurodiversity exists within a family there will be other types of neurodiversity too, there are strong genetic links.

But ultimately all you can do is reframe in your mind that this is how she is: maybe she is neurodiverse, maybe she’s affected by trauma, maybe she’s not very nice. You may never know which it is. All you really control is your own reactions to her.

She sounds very like my mum. Kind in a practical sense but completely emotionless. Nothing to do with ADHD. How you describe her reaction to your miscarriage was my mums reaction when my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. My friend with ADHD was distraught on my behalf. It doesn’t make you emotionless. That’s a personality trait

Diagnosis just doesnt work like that, especially when the symptoms dont appear to fit the criteria. I think you might just have to accept you're very different people. I have ADHD as does my mum and daughter and gift giving is our thing and we love buying thoughtful gifts. Some people are just really shit at buying presents. It may just be that the two of you just don't get on well, regardless of anything else, and that's OK. A lot of people just maintain civil relationships with in laws but are not that close

@CanaryCanary I think perhaps they have just thought she does because the son does, I haven’t asked. He is diagnosed. He is an adult now but he just can’t sit down, I often felt he’s going to wear himself out.

@XiCi it isn’t just towards me. She is like that with everyone. I think some family members have learned to navigate her but I’m the newest member and have been unsure and taken things too personally I think. I’ve watched her at family events and she looks so awkward like she wants to run off.

It sounds like autism rather than ADHD. People seem to be getting these two diagnoses confused lately though I'm not sure why.

Everyone I know with ADHD, including myself, are real social butterflies so that doesn't fit either. I don't think it's right really to be armchair diagnosing your mil but it sounds way off to be saying her behaviour is caused by ADHD

@XiCi Im only going off what I’ve heard in conversations about the mum. I think they’ve just assumed as the son was diagnosed. But yeah it’s not good to get it wrong.

This is a very interesting thread. I have recently realised both my parents are on the spectrum. It's been painful to process - triggering - but I'm almost at acceptance. Got some cracking gift stories myself!!

So you know she has trauma, and you report symptoms of OCD and hoarding focused on cleanliness snd supplies. She may or may not be neurodivergent because these symptoms are also strongly correlated with childhood trauma.

I think the best thing to do is stop thinking about getting your own emotional needs met or reciprocated in the relationship. She is who she is and she isn’t able to respond in the sentimental fashion you want.

I’ve struggled because she doesn’t feel like a horrible person but she does feel like someone who simply sees things and behaves in ways that aren’t quite the “normal”. I hate that word sorry.

@pikkumyy77 that’s exactly what I’ve said. I was worrying she didn’t like me because we weren’t connecting in a way that made me feel accepted. But I can see that this is not the case and I’ve put my spin and feelings into it. I wanted suggestions on how to move the relationship forward, whether I could do anything to accommodate her more.

I have miss judged her. I found out she has ADHD

Errmm....no. I don't think you've misjudged her.

I am quite sure you are confusing ADHD with Autism.

@W0tnow it isn’t my words. The son is diagnosed with ADHD and in conversation lately they have been talking about the mum having ADHD. I think they must be presuming, I’m not sure I haven’t asked into it any further.