How to build my relationship with my MIL who has ADHD? I mistook her behaviour for dislike of me.

[Whilstbabysleeps]

Hi, for a long time I thought my MIL just didn’t like me. She is not emotional and the connection with her is very practical and kind of on her terms. She won’t act say out of kindness or offer support for just the sake to be of use. I found it hard because I’m led by my emotions, I offer help if I think someone needs it. She is suck it up really. For example when I had a miscarriage a few years ago she was just oh well never mind. I have miss judged her. I found out she has ADHD.

Having read up a little I can see that I have mistaken her attitude for dislike when I know she doesn’t dislike me really. I brought it up with my partner who has always said no of course they like you. But when you don’t feel that like it’s hard to act on.

Anyway what I wanted to ask was how can I build on this relationship? Is there anything I can do or any changes I can make to help her feel more comfortable around me. I think just knowing this makes me feel more understanding.

@EarthSight sorry I’m a bit confused. I kind of did take things too personally before realising she maybe has her own reasons. I was a bit self absorbed for a bit really.

I don't think it will do her any favours telling her she has something that she doesn't. Is she interested in getting any sort of diagnosis? If so, maybe look at autism and see if it fits and take it from there. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 40s and my life is so much better now I know and can manage it

I don't think this has anything to do with ADHD. I think she is just how she is and her personality. My MIL is quite reserved and emotionally uninvolved. Everything is very surface - chat about the weather, the garden, etc. No difficult or emotional subjects, ever. I wouldn't think she has ADHD. This is just how she is. Don't try to justify it or slap a label on it. It could simply be you don't have a close relationship and she's a fairly emotionally distant person. That's fine. You don't have to dance around her or overcompensate for her. Just let her be and take her for what she is.

@XiCi no I don’t think it will do her any favours. I’m not she is open to any discussion really as it was short and over when it was brought up, she is who she is. My partner (her other son) there are 3 definitely has some of her characteristics. He hoard and gets very anxious at the thought of throwing things away, a lot of things seem to go over his head. He is super sweet and caring and buys the most meaningful gifts that he’s put a lot of thinking into. So that’s very different. But he can’t make a decision about anything and he collects things, the same subject but lots of things on it. He is who he is and I love him for it.

@mindutopia I thought that Neurodiversity was quite hereditary. One son is diagnosed from school, that is known.

One feeling I do get is that she doesn’t appear to accept that someone else feels different to her. Her way is the only way. For example I was feeling a bit sad that my daughter couldn’t come on a family trip because she was at her dad’s that weekend. I am happy to go because I have another child who I’d like to go with but I have 2 conflicting feelings, that’s normal. She brushed it off like why would I have any feelings of sadness that’s me being too emotional. She cant just fake it and say something nice like oh it must feel conflicting but we will have a good time.

Yes, ND has a hereditary element. It is highly likely that my dad is autistic but I have ADHD. My sister is autistic, as is her son. My daughter has ADHD.

My sister is incapable of putting herself in anyone else’s position. It’s her way or no way. She has incredibly fixed thinking. I’m the opposite.

While autism is lifelong, a child diagnosed with ADHD doesn’t always become an adults with a diagnosis. There has to be reassessment. 1/3 of children who had ADHD diagnoses wouldn’t be diagnosed as adults.

there’s a huge amount of assuming about something very complex here.

My sister is blunt to the point of offensiveness with everyone.

@WittyBird yes I agree that’s why I’ve posted on here and not to my MIL, definitely lots of assuming. Yes she is very blunt and it comes across as offensive. I didn’t know if it was beneficial to get some understanding for myself so I could navigate the relationship better. “If” she is ND. I won’t say ADHD as I think they’ve just assumed that.

and he collects things, the same subject but lots of things on it
Again, I think thats also an indication of autism

@XiCi he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve brought it up in conversations, not about him but when things come up on the tv etc. The family seems very closed lol about it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of so I don’t know why, we all have to live and learn together. We have a child together, she is young but she does exhibit signs to me, it’s not helpful to not be open.

Closed lip that was meant to say.

I have adhd and I would never speak to my dil like that. Adhd is not an excuse for vile behaviour. Did mil buy her son bin bags for Christmas?

@SwordToFlamethrower it was joint. All the gifts are like this, they are all practical things.

I think OP is being really flexible and sensitive about this situation and has fully taken on board the fact that her MIL may not have ADHD, so there’s no need to go on about her being (possibly) mistaken. What OP really wants is advice on how to navigate the relationship.

I don't think it matters what diagnosis she does or doesn't have.

It sounds like OP has accepted there is more behind her behaviour than simple thoughtlessness or disliking her/ not caring about the baby. That's the main thing.

Let's not worry too much about 'i don't recognise these as ADHD symptoms, you were right. It isn't a formal diagnosis. It's just her personality. She's just unkind'.

I am diagnosed myself with ADHD; and for the record do not identify with MIL's behaviours either but that's neither here nor there. just to say I'm familiar with the condition.

It sounds very complex re her childhood.

Things have only really just started to change around understanding ND and MH issues that may affect people's behaviour.

The hoarding would indicate some definite issues around material goods and security which I am not surprised are reflected in gift giving.

OP you've reached some understanding and recognised you're not the problem.

That's great. Work with that.

To be honest, the fien details aren't that important. There could be a thoughtless streak alongside some more complex factors. That's fine. Nobody is perfect. Develop your boundaries and stick to them. If she says something hurtful, it is fine to point it out. If you'd like to limit contact, do it (not saying go NC, just don't feel you have to go on every visit with DH).

And probably allow yourself a sense of humour and generosity around presents too. If she wants practical stuff, get her practical stuff. When she's gone, imagine the funny memories your kids will have of excitedly opening parcels to find shoe polish or soap. They honestly won't care they didn't get silver christening bracelets off her.

To add, people have very different ideas of meaningful, useful or desirable gifts. That isn't ADHD (Although washing powder is a bit extreme!) I have a much loved friend who sends me the most meaningful keepsakes, some with little slogans from craft shops and Etsy. Little pictures, pillows, ornaments, scarves, jewellery. Frankly, I would do anything for her and appreciate the thought but it is expensive tat that isn't to my taste. I would prefer something useful!

OP don't get caught up in other posters' fixation about whether this is ADHD, Autism or something else.

It sounds more like autism to me from your original post, hence my earlier comments. BUT the point is that your MIL seems to be neurodivergent in some way - and your primary requirement is not to pick the most appropriate label, but to identify the most appropriate ways of navigating your relationship with her.

My in-laws are cold and reserved. Given 3 out of 5 of their grandchildren are diagnosed Neurodivergent they probably are too but they are also selfish. It’s got to the point where they have damaged relationships with their wider families.

I have ADHD and I am VERY emotionally driven. I'd think giving bin bags/nappies to anyone for their birthday was abhorrent!

It could be just her, it could be the way her ADHD presents, it could also be a different ND factor.
I'd go with your gut.
I'd also take her as you find her-nappies and bin bags are useful. That's what sort of thing you get from her as presents. Don't expect anything different-don't use it to define her personality either.

Thanks. I really don’t like the idea that she is cold and reserved and not pleasant because she doesn’t express the way I would like. I suppose I need to change the way I think and see the good in places that I would not normally look because she has raised a lovely man in my partner. He is so caring and helpful whether he has any challenges or not.

The OPs question is, how do I build my relationship with my MIL?

Love the idea of seeing the good, for instance the ways she does show love. Could these be things like making sure you've got enough of the practical things (alongside seeing the funny side of bin bags as presents later on), and spending time with the family?

@Catandsquirrel that’s the thing I’m able to be more malleable then perhaps she is able to so I should be making the change where I can. I can definitely see it and laugh.

Change in my thought pattern that was.

My friend has adhd and she's the most kind person.

I agree re changing or reframing how you view her.

I long suspected my sister has Asd of some sort (sorry if I have the terminology wrong). Eventually after a comedic incident where she failed to recognise that another person thought they were dating, I had a chat with her and she did a lot of thinking, she's very black and white, and has leant into the concept and now sense checks a lot of things with her friends and me, which has made both work and life easier for her.

We both think dad is the same, but is too stuck in his ways, so it's us that work it differently. His brother moved to a different continent, amd their relationship was practically non existent for years. Sis goes out there every couple of years, and they hike a lot together. They were talking about dad, and after a couple of miles in silence, uncle stopped, and said that it made a lot of sense. He reframed his thinking and him and dad now facetime regularly, which is great for them both.

So things can get better with altered expectations.