How to build my relationship with my MIL who has ADHD? I mistook her behaviour for dislike of me.

[Whilstbabysleeps]

Hi, for a long time I thought my MIL just didn’t like me. She is not emotional and the connection with her is very practical and kind of on her terms. She won’t act say out of kindness or offer support for just the sake to be of use. I found it hard because I’m led by my emotions, I offer help if I think someone needs it. She is suck it up really. For example when I had a miscarriage a few years ago she was just oh well never mind. I have miss judged her. I found out she has ADHD.

Having read up a little I can see that I have mistaken her attitude for dislike when I know she doesn’t dislike me really. I brought it up with my partner who has always said no of course they like you. But when you don’t feel that like it’s hard to act on.

Anyway what I wanted to ask was how can I build on this relationship? Is there anything I can do or any changes I can make to help her feel more comfortable around me. I think just knowing this makes me feel more understanding.

Oh dad is at least 50% arse, but I think I've got to the point where I know which comment is arse and which is asd, so I have no problem calling out the arse comments. We get along fine.

Could someone have misheard and mistaken ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) for ADHD. Or maybe she is autistic and has adhd.

Or maybe not and it's something else!

This is just so lovely, OP. X

Just to be clear, as I feel a bit bad (probably my personal brand of ADHD overthinking!!) I don't mean laughing AT her, she's clearly an older lady who's experienced some form of trauma or deprivation during childhood. I just mean reframing those things fondly as a quirk and whilst understanding there is more to it, being able to see the funny side.

There may be a kind way to raise it that lets her realise that she has brought her son up to provide well for himself so the household is never short of supplies

Re the bluntness, I'd say anything rude, especially to your children certainly question. If it just isn't acknowledging your emotional responses then I think accept that's who she is and adjust your expectations (I am thinking of my DGM).

@Catandsquirrel she isn’t that old, mid 50s I would say. But I get what you mean re laughing, no I wouldn’t laugh at her lol!

You sound lovely! She's lucky to have you for a DIL!

Hi guys, I appreciate the advice I’ve been given. I just wanted to ask a question if anyone still around. My MIL doesn’t seem too interested in our daughter. She is 1.5 years now. When she was a baby she didn’t come over. In fact she booked a holiday on my c-section date so she wasn’t around for any support. When I send her pictures she 80% off the time doesn’t respond. If she is ill she doesn’t ask if she is ok. She is nice enough when we go over. In reverse she is very chatty on pictures with her 2 other grandchildren, they are older, late primary age. I’ve often wondered if this is something to do with me or something else.

It’s not a ND thing if that’s what you mean.

Have you tried leaving your partner to manage the relationship with her?

When my in laws visits they rarely ask how my children are but will tell us what our nephews are up to.

They booked a holiday when DD2 was due so they wouldn’t be called upon to help out when I was in labour.
When my nephews lived close by they didn’t actually help their daughter out with them.

There is very likely some neurodiversity there but they are also selfish people - sounds like your MIL may be too.

My suggestion would be to put your energy into yourself and being less affected by her. You can’t change her only your reaction to her. Trite probably but true.

@WittyBird yes that’s kind of how it’s been going. I feel like I might as well not exist these past few weeks in their lives (in laws that is)

It’s not you!!! I’d be fascinated as to your childhood. You seem to be willing to tie yourself in knots to fix the relationship. Are you generally a people pleaser? She’s just not interested, reason why is irrelevant. I know it’s natural to want to know the why but it’s not helping.

@TorroFerney I find when I do this we have no relationship at all. I stopped sending photos or starting conversations and now there is nothing. It’s sad really. I had this growing up as my mum is more than likely autistic, we have 0 emotional connection. Now it’s happening again.

I think perhaps they have just thought she does because the son does, I haven’t asked. He is diagnosed. He is an adult now but he just can’t sit down, I often felt he’s going to wear himself out

Nothing you have written here about the son applies to what you have written about the MIL though🤔. I have an adult child with ADHD (mixed type) and yes, when unmedicated they don’t sit/stand still for a second and plenty of other stuff but nothing you have written about the MIL sounds like ADHD at all. Do you even know what it actually is?

I have adhd and very empathic, it’s her personality, a separate issue. Some people just aren’t very kind.

Sorry we’ve established earlier in the thread that it’s been misunderstood and that it’s more likely ASD. I’ve just found it hard to distinguish which could be some ND and which is just perhaps she doesn’t like me for whatever reason.

Its hard but you can’t force e an emotional connection with some people. The good news is that you have other people in your life to be connected with. Your mother did not reciprocate the love you showed her and neither will your MIL. Look for someone who will.

@pikkumyy77 yeah you definitely can’t force an emotional connection…I’ve tried hard enough. It must be hard if you have a form of ND that causes this. I can’t live like this though, dumbing down how I feel for others all the time then thinking there is something wrong with me. I’ve long suspected I’m ND as my mum is Autistic. It is hard as I’m not sure if I am or if I’ve become like this from growing up with my mum. My mum is of help physically, she may not be able to offer emotional support but she does show up and offer physical help. Although she will withdraw it if she feels taken advantage of, which is fair enough. I think you can tell if someone cares because they will show you in their language, it may not be the normal language but you can still tell. With my MIL there is nothing.

I have a cold, emotionally unavailable MiL. She takes great delight in fixing things and organising stuff.

I have known her over 30 years.

Things I wish I'd realised earlier.

• I will never be family, I'm as close to her as a DIL of just a year or a neighbour.
• don't force any emotional talk or connection, she will be at best puzzled at worst offended and will never provide you the reassurance or support you are looking for. Find it else where.
• don't compete, this is difficult. I recently learnt a new skill that she had done 20 years ago. She is in silent disapproval about this. Likewise knowledge, obviously in 30 years I've learnt a few plant names but she is the expert /bullshitter and must be deferred to. She is getting more clumsy with age, and I'm more confident. I named a plant, she said no, google said yes, she repeated no, I should have just kept quiet. So never expect the relationship to evolve.
• my DH will always back his parents, it's been a source of sadness to me but I am down the pecking order on that one so just don't compete.

@TolpuddleMil is she like that with everyone? Mine seems to be able to connect with certain people, or it seems she accepts these people, or masks. She seems to like those who don’t ask anything or those less confident.

I think she masks. Often she implies or almost boasts about a connection which conveniently we weren't there to witness but ultimately over time it appears to burn out or indeed never really existed.
Until I realised this, obviously I felt quite hurt that I was kept on the back burner whilst others were spoken of so warmly.
She's also prone to pressure from others so a favourite niece will fall from grace if other aunts & uncles suggest all is not rosy.
I've been taking stock recently, so many of these repeat patterns have only just become apparent.
I hope you find some coping strategies or set the bar low so she can exceed expectations. It's upset me quite a lot over the years.

My partners mother is very clear she’s not a fan of babies. Likes them when they are older and more interesting (to her) and from what i can see has been a lovely grandmother. But not at all interested in babies. Wouldn’t dream of a cuddle although she’s close to her grandchildren