Can't get over his infidelity

[JamieIsNotFine]

8 months ago I got the call at work. A husband informing me of his wife and my husband having an affair. They work together. Still do. I had my meltdown at work and was admitted to a mental hospital for 21 days. Our marriage of 17 years destroyed. Things are just not getting better. He is trying to prove he is a changed man. Trickle truths are all I get. Little bit here and little bit there. He promised he would find a new job. It took him 3 months and a lot of anger from my side just for him to update his CV. I begged him to go see someone to help him figure out what the f brought him to that point in his life. He knew that it would destroy me. But "he felt dead inside". Myself and our kids did not matter. He threw away what we have built togeter away for a wh*re. According to him they chatted for a few months before they did it. And added "It meant nothing to him" "It was just a fcuk" But her husband told me that he saw a message with "I love you" from him on her phone. How do you tell someone you love them in such a short period? How low can you go to "do it" in the back seat of our vehicle in a parking lot? I told him I want to sell the vehicle, because since i found out, there is a "ghost" riding in it with us. That sent him flying off his handle. We were happy. Our friends used to say they wish they had what we had. We had a great sex life. But that was obviously not enough. I asked him to move out and go live with his sister for a while. To make an effort to start dating me again. To TRY to win me over again. He refused. We are in our old routine again. Work, home, make food, bath, and sleep. Repeat. I constantly watch podcasts on affair recovery, print topics for us to discuss, questions that bothers me. But i am met with yes or no answers. I have to ask for his thoughts on the topics i give him to read. I have to ask for us to watch videos on recovery together, but he is just not interested. I told him last week I am losing hope. I am now the one that is dead inside.

You deserve so much better than this, you do know that?

You need to make a decision on what your line in the sand is. It sounds like he’s making no effort at all and in all honesty if I were you I would be filing for divorce. He’s had his chance to prove that he wants to work on your relationship.

Sorry you're going through this.

Honestly I would go and see a councillor on your own and work up the courage to kick this loser out.

He's got no respect for you, isn't willing to resolve any issues that caused him to cheat and isn't even interested in telling you the truth about what happened.

Get rid already, pull off the band aid and go live a fabulous life away from him.

Many people get over affairs and if your love is strong it can work. BUT, both need to do that. I am a big believer in 2nd chances and we all make mistakes but need to see actions!

IF I was him, I would be doing everything you asked and demonstrating that I am sorry for what I did and showing you what it would be like in the future. The fact he is not is not a good sign - agree, counselling to understand your mind and look for a new future, no matter how scary,

For one party to get over infidelity, BOTH have to really try. He has done fuck all, despite the toll on your mental health. What do you think would be the line at which you will say 'ive had enough, I'm leaving ' and what's stopping you from getting there? He wouldn't even give you the full truth, any space or any effort. He is not worth this.

You are flogging a dead horse. His actions are showing you what he thinks and feels. He just doesnt have the guts to finish it or be the one that ends it.

You are trying to flog a dead horse. I'm so sorry. You deserve better.

The fact that you had a mental breakdown as consequence of his affair and his lack of care for you shows how he feels about the you. He should be showing you remorse, tlc and understanding as well as engaging in anything you are doing to try make things better. I think he’s sadly checked out and holds no accountability for his actions.

This is heartbreaking as I can only imagine how I'd feel in your shoes. I mean this gently, but this can never work while he puts so little effort into repairing things. If he really wanted things to work, he's have left his job by now and be doing everything you need him to do to move things forward. You asked him for space and he's refused, he's dragged his feet on moving jobs and he's leaving you to do all the donkey work regards help and advice to make things better. He just doesn't want it enough and in a situation like this, he needs to want it MORE than you really. He needs to be falling over himself to learn and grow from what's happened.

Forget whatever he tells you, his actions (or inaction) is what you really need to pay attention to.

Post on the surviving infidelity forum. They are very knowledgable on there.

Cheating can cause ptsd - are you in counselling? Can you access EMDR? I would book EMDR today and use the family finances to pay for it. YOU are the priority not your marriage. You need to be as healthy as can be. For you and for your children. You cannot decide on the marriage until you are healthy.

That is why so many marriages fail 2-4 years post cheating. You may find you no longer respect or like him. His poor traits may shine through and you can’t ignore them any more. But while you are in crisis mode you need to work on you. Do you have real life support?

‘Love yourself like your life depends on it ‘by Kamil Ravikant is an excellent and simple book. You can do the tasks anywhere. Do them constantly. You are the prize here and you need to heal.

Have you read how to help my spouse heal from my affair? Ignore any unmet needs rubbish.

He doesn’t care, he isn’t trying, it’s over.

You don’t need to rebuild. He’s blown it. He doesn’t get to keep you running his family home for him. Start divorce. Make him uncomfortable. Don’t do his washing cleaning cooking etc.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP.

I have to agree with PP, you are flogging a dead horse. He is acting as if nothing happened and carrying on with his life. He is making no effort, not taking any responsibility, not acknowledging what he has done and the effect on you. You can't recover a marriage from that in my experience.

If you can't get over his infidelity you need to end the marriage.
He has shown you he has no respect for you, both whilst having the affair and his atrocious behaviour afterwards.
You get one go at life op, don't waste yours on this absolute disgrace of a man

He is so small that he doesn’t even have the dignity to pack and leave. He is so small that he is begging to stay because he has nowhere to go.
In my case I packed my things, found a new flat and just left with no contact. He was devastated. He thought we would go to marriage counseling to resolve. Who they think they are? Why would any woman/man give a second chance to someone who disrespects them so much? How he still leaves in our flat (rented) with the furniture I have also paid for I have no idea. For a man to do that he must have no b@lls.
OP, I think you should focus on yourself, get your ducks in a row and split. Have fun with your girlfriends, experience the high dopamine of a new relationship and rebound. Don’t stay with a mediocre who thinks deserves a second chance.

Sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time, OP. This "it meant nothing" line always disgusts me. There is so much wrong with it and it's always dishonest. If it meant nothing, why even do it? The truth is that - in that moment - having sex with that woman actually meant more to him than any other consideration in his life; it must have done or why would he risk blowing your relationship sky high? In any case, he can decide it meant nothing to him but he doesn't get to decide that it means nothing to you. You can decide - as you have and as most betrayed people do - that this is in fact a massive thing, not a nothing thing.

As PPs have said, the reason you can't recover is that he is not doing the things he needs to do to repair the huge harm to your relationship and to you. This is probably why you feel dead inside. He's showing you daily that he doesn't care enough. You can’t depend on him to help you recover. You will probably only start to feel better once you take back your power and start planning a life without him.

This is a truly horrible horrible experience for you.

It's made even worse by his absolute and total lack of effort to make amends now. He should be bending over backwards to make things better. He's doing very very little and only because you are insisting he tries harder.

So painful and distressing.

The first step to your recovery is to call it a day with your husband. He is not worthy of you.

It's a long road ahead of you but at least it is a healing road. Not the swamp you're treading water in right now.

Please prioritise yourself from now on. You are important and he is merely poisoning you.

I have been in the same position as you only I was stupid enough to stay. He cheated on me four more times.

So sorry OP.

as PPs have said, if there was even a hope of this working, he would have to put in the effort and show genuine remorse. He is doing no such thing. Staying with what is familiar feels less scary but long term leaving would be the best option.

my STBXH dragged me through 2 years of false reconciliation, did all the ‘right’ things but then turns out he was pining after his AP for all that time.

once the trust is gone it’s gone.

You know what broke me the most? He did not even bother with a condom. I lost my shit at the though I could now have an STD. Because he slept with me after they were together. I asked him what if she fell pregnant. He told me she had the Mirena IUD in. I was like, did you discuss this before???? No..... she only told him afterwards. AFTERWARDS!!! He did not care if she gave him (or me) an STD, he did not care if she fell pregnant. What the actual fuck.

@JamieIsNotFine - there you go. This man is a waste of space in your life now. You’ve had some great advice above. Time to cut him loose. Get your ducks in a row. Focus on yourself.

@JamieIsNotFine he's shown you who he is. A thoughtless and selfish idiot. One positive is that you have the chance not to live a lie any more, because before you knew about his affair, your life was a lie because he isn't the man you thought he was. You've been deceived and I'm heartbroken for you. Tap I to your anger and use it to give you the strength to show him the door. You deserve better than this.

@JamieIsNotFine did you mean to post this pic?

Why do people seem to think late 40s or 50s is old and too late to start again?

I'm 53, and newly married to the most amazing man, 5yrs post divorced to exdh after 29yrs and three children together.

Life is for living, get out there and live it to the full

I’m really sorry for the loss of your parents. You are going through a lot and your H should have been your rock instead of doing all this.

Just to address your fear, I found my DP at 43 while I was getting divorced. It is possible even with DC. You will feel very alone if you stay in a marriage that your H is putting no effort into saving.

This is very sad, Op. As others have said you are flogging a dead horse.

Get some counselling for yourself, gather your strength and then do what is right for you.

You are handing him an awful lot of power. Has he really got the power to determine your life and happiness, or have you? Take back control and plan the life YOU want.