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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't get over his infidelity

87 replies

JamieIsNotFine · 03/05/2024 10:07

8 months ago I got the call at work. A husband informing me of his wife and my husband having an affair. They work together. Still do. I had my meltdown at work and was admitted to a mental hospital for 21 days. Our marriage of 17 years destroyed. Things are just not getting better. He is trying to prove he is a changed man. Trickle truths are all I get. Little bit here and little bit there. He promised he would find a new job. It took him 3 months and a lot of anger from my side just for him to update his CV. I begged him to go see someone to help him figure out what the f brought him to that point in his life. He knew that it would destroy me. But "he felt dead inside". Myself and our kids did not matter. He threw away what we have built togeter away for a wh*re. According to him they chatted for a few months before they did it. And added "It meant nothing to him" "It was just a fcuk" But her husband told me that he saw a message with "I love you" from him on her phone. How do you tell someone you love them in such a short period? How low can you go to "do it" in the back seat of our vehicle in a parking lot? I told him I want to sell the vehicle, because since i found out, there is a "ghost" riding in it with us. That sent him flying off his handle. We were happy. Our friends used to say they wish they had what we had. We had a great sex life. But that was obviously not enough. I asked him to move out and go live with his sister for a while. To make an effort to start dating me again. To TRY to win me over again. He refused. We are in our old routine again. Work, home, make food, bath, and sleep. Repeat. I constantly watch podcasts on affair recovery, print topics for us to discuss, questions that bothers me. But i am met with yes or no answers. I have to ask for his thoughts on the topics i give him to read. I have to ask for us to watch videos on recovery together, but he is just not interested. I told him last week I am losing hope. I am now the one that is dead inside.

OP posts:
Lovinglife57 · 03/05/2024 21:06

Bin this twat off …you deserve so much more he has zero respect for you…you wont get over him sticking his Rick in someone else it’s always there …I’m talking from experience I tried for 6 years but I couldn’t do it anymore I just didn’t feel the same about him …you deserve to be someone’s Queen get out and find someone who with love and treat you how you deserve to be treated …this prick don’t give a shit about anyone but himself he isn’t trying and he still works with the bitch fuck that no chance …sorry gal you need to ditch his arse

Thewookiemustgo · 03/05/2024 21:23

He needs to get a new job. You need to get a new car. He needs to understand why and do it all yesterday. No delays. You can’t be expected to take any more and nor should you.
At present you need to get some space from this selfish, cowardly excuse for a husband. Until he’s totally remorseful and on his knees begging you for a second chance, he’s not a safe partner for you. or anyone, for that matter.
At present he still has his head up his arse and needs a good kick in it instead.
This is horrible, and it hurts like hell. But you are worth way more than this OP. It seems counter-intuitive to ask him to leave, but as long as he thinks he stands a chance, he won’t change. This man needs a reality check. If that doesn’t bring him to his senses, nothing will. In which case you are far, far better off without him. Tolerate no more of this, OP. He doesn’t deserve you.

LizzieBennett73 · 03/05/2024 21:28

Seriously, walk away. He's thrown the grenade into your family, you're the one left with the serious injuries and yet you feel that you need to "get over" it? Fuck that.

BlushTeddy · 03/05/2024 21:31

Just a word of warning to those who think ‘begging’ and seeming remorseful actually means anything.

My STBXH did this for two years, meanwhile he was stalking the OW online, telling her he loved her and missed her, telling her he regretted marrying me but was staying for the kids, said he had the affairs so I would end it and then felt stuck when I didn’t. Said having sex with me again was hard. Said he was ‘trying’ to stick with his decision to stay. Told her she deserved better and how sorry he was.

And yet he also went to counselling, read the books, did all the ‘right’ things.

It means nothing. And OP’s H isn’t even doing this.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/05/2024 21:34

I’m so sorry op. You need to take back your power. Why on earth are you ‘in your old routine’? (And please don’t tell us you are sleeping with him - yuck - god knows where he’s been). You can’t make him leave but you can see a lawyer, seek help with counselling, and move on. It is hard, I have been there, but it is worth it.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 03/05/2024 23:07

You were admitted to a mental hospital for 21 days?
Are you in therapy now? That sounds like a severely unbalanced reaction.

kkloo · 03/05/2024 23:47

Thewookiemustgo · 03/05/2024 21:23

He needs to get a new job. You need to get a new car. He needs to understand why and do it all yesterday. No delays. You can’t be expected to take any more and nor should you.
At present you need to get some space from this selfish, cowardly excuse for a husband. Until he’s totally remorseful and on his knees begging you for a second chance, he’s not a safe partner for you. or anyone, for that matter.
At present he still has his head up his arse and needs a good kick in it instead.
This is horrible, and it hurts like hell. But you are worth way more than this OP. It seems counter-intuitive to ask him to leave, but as long as he thinks he stands a chance, he won’t change. This man needs a reality check. If that doesn’t bring him to his senses, nothing will. In which case you are far, far better off without him. Tolerate no more of this, OP. He doesn’t deserve you.

Edited

She said he asked him to move out and go and live with his sister for a while and he refused.

Charlottedancer · 03/05/2024 23:58

How comfortable do you feel with this narrative?

Ryah76 · 04/05/2024 03:07

Time for YOU to take charge,stop giving him the reigns. He had the affair, he’s torpedoed the marriage and trust me on this, he’s going to blame you for his actions.
The man you were married to, he’s gone. What you have in your house is just a husk, the minute he entertained the thought of the ow it was over, because in that second he placed her before you.
My ex husband did the same, I did not recognise him- after a lot of crying and trying to persuade him to ‘pick me’, I got my wits together. I divorced him, I arranged mediators for the split of assets, I arranged the sale of the house, I may not have been able to control him keeping it in his pants, but I was all over the practicalities in the aftermath.
My ex is now living with her - I’m guessing they are happy, I know I am a lot better off out of the marriage than if I had decided to stay.
The disrespect shown is nauseating- get out of it!

AnnieSF · 04/05/2024 04:13

It's obvious that you wanted him to stay by the things you have said and that is a natural reaction by many women as they fear their future without their husband. He seems to be acting like a total nasty prick however. When you say you are losing hope what do you mean ? Losing hope of him really trying to reconcile? Losing hope of continuing with your marriage? You can't see it now but you will be better off without a man like this. Don't be scared.

BlastedPimples · 04/05/2024 04:13

@sunflowrsngunpowdr aw. Helpful comment.

Who are you to judge when someone's world is destroyed and how they react?

Justcoincidences · 04/05/2024 05:53

I’m really sorry you are going through this.
If it were me, once betrayed I would not be beholden to my marriage vows anymore, which I think is quite liberating.
Women have a tendency to put our partners wishes ahead of our own but you can live your life now making independent choices that will suit you best.
Your DH doesn’t value the loyalty you shared.

Rania78 · 04/05/2024 06:03

BlushTeddy · 03/05/2024 21:31

Just a word of warning to those who think ‘begging’ and seeming remorseful actually means anything.

My STBXH did this for two years, meanwhile he was stalking the OW online, telling her he loved her and missed her, telling her he regretted marrying me but was staying for the kids, said he had the affairs so I would end it and then felt stuck when I didn’t. Said having sex with me again was hard. Said he was ‘trying’ to stick with his decision to stay. Told her she deserved better and how sorry he was.

And yet he also went to counselling, read the books, did all the ‘right’ things.

It means nothing. And OP’s H isn’t even doing this.

Ladies (and gentlemen- we tend to think that only women suffer from narcissists but this is not true) the ONLY reason they beg to stay is out of self interest. Get them out of your life, teach your kids that they should never stay with someone who doesn’t respect them and that this behavior IS NOT OK. If my mom had left my dad, I would have also ended my marriage much earlier. But had a mum who taught me that I should stay no matter what. Big mistake!

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 04/05/2024 06:09

He doesn’t care that you are hurting…. You need to protect yourself now, as he won’t. Start some counseling and get your ducks in a row when you are ready.

With all the kindness you are hoping a different man and relationship comes from this but he is clearly showing you he doesn’t want to fight for you or your relationship. Please love yourself and put yourself first

Jane1212 · 04/05/2024 06:17

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Copperoliverbear · 04/05/2024 06:26

I'm really sorry you have gone through this, but I think you maybe better off filling for divorce, he is not willing to see how he needs to repair your marriage or how he needs to make you feel better, he made you have a breakdown and in no way is he helping or taking responsibility for that, it is not only the woman's fault it is his he knew he was married and he should not have crossed that line,but he did as did she.

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 08:21

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 03/05/2024 23:07

You were admitted to a mental hospital for 21 days?
Are you in therapy now? That sounds like a severely unbalanced reaction.

I dont agree with your statement..everyone is different it happened to me and although I wasn't sectioned my reaction was scary it's was such a shock and reading OPs story I can quite understand how it sent her over ...you don't know this person so ........

Motnight · 04/05/2024 09:05

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 08:21

I dont agree with your statement..everyone is different it happened to me and although I wasn't sectioned my reaction was scary it's was such a shock and reading OPs story I can quite understand how it sent her over ...you don't know this person so ........

Show quote history

I have to agree with @sunflowrsngunpowdr. The fact that Op's mental health spiralled so badly that she had to be admitted to hospital is awful . Op has had lots of good and kind advice on this thread, I hope that she finds it useful.

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:04

Motnight · 04/05/2024 09:05

I have to agree with @sunflowrsngunpowdr. The fact that Op's mental health spiralled so badly that she had to be admitted to hospital is awful . Op has had lots of good and kind advice on this thread, I hope that she finds it useful.

Show quote history

I agree that it spiralled bless her I never said I didn’t agree I disagreed that it was an over reaction I have every sympathy with OP ..why do you think it was an over reaction ?

Motnight · 04/05/2024 10:17

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:04

I agree that it spiralled bless her I never said I didn’t agree I disagreed that it was an over reaction I have every sympathy with OP ..why do you think it was an over reaction ?

Show quote history

I don't think that me responding is going to help the Op, so let's just agree to think differently about this.

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:42

Motnight · 04/05/2024 10:17

I don't think that me responding is going to help the Op, so let's just agree to think differently about this.

Show quote history

Ok no problem

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 05/05/2024 00:44

BlastedPimples · 04/05/2024 04:13

@sunflowrsngunpowdr aw. Helpful comment.

Who are you to judge when someone's world is destroyed and how they react?

It was an unbalanced reaction, especially for someone that has children. I understand being devastated and feeling betrayed and angry and all the rest of it but to be in a mental institution for better part of a month is extreme and I think that the most helpful advice anyone can give this person is to make sure they are speaking to a qualified therapist who can help them react in a more balanced way to the challenges they face in life. And if you put your business online then you are putting it there for the world to judge. You seem to feel quite comfortable judging me.

ArchaeoSpy · 05/05/2024 01:45

seems like the ship has sailed for the relationship @JamieIsNotFine

BlastedPimples · 05/05/2024 03:36

@sunflowrsngunpowdr ah yes. My whole world has fallen apart but I absolutely must react in a balanced way otherwise it isn't reasonable or rational.

Because severe mental distress is something people can control, right?

And yes, I judged your comment because it was really unhelpful telling the op that her reaction wasn't appropriate.

Lovinglife57 · 05/05/2024 07:18

BlastedPimples · 05/05/2024 03:36

@sunflowrsngunpowdr ah yes. My whole world has fallen apart but I absolutely must react in a balanced way otherwise it isn't reasonable or rational.

Because severe mental distress is something people can control, right?

And yes, I judged your comment because it was really unhelpful telling the op that her reaction wasn't appropriate.

Absolutely this i agree with you ..unreasonable comment poor OP

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