Can't get over his infidelity

[JamieIsNotFine]

8 months ago I got the call at work. A husband informing me of his wife and my husband having an affair. They work together. Still do. I had my meltdown at work and was admitted to a mental hospital for 21 days. Our marriage of 17 years destroyed. Things are just not getting better. He is trying to prove he is a changed man. Trickle truths are all I get. Little bit here and little bit there. He promised he would find a new job. It took him 3 months and a lot of anger from my side just for him to update his CV. I begged him to go see someone to help him figure out what the f brought him to that point in his life. He knew that it would destroy me. But "he felt dead inside". Myself and our kids did not matter. He threw away what we have built togeter away for a wh*re. According to him they chatted for a few months before they did it. And added "It meant nothing to him" "It was just a fcuk" But her husband told me that he saw a message with "I love you" from him on her phone. How do you tell someone you love them in such a short period? How low can you go to "do it" in the back seat of our vehicle in a parking lot? I told him I want to sell the vehicle, because since i found out, there is a "ghost" riding in it with us. That sent him flying off his handle. We were happy. Our friends used to say they wish they had what we had. We had a great sex life. But that was obviously not enough. I asked him to move out and go live with his sister for a while. To make an effort to start dating me again. To TRY to win me over again. He refused. We are in our old routine again. Work, home, make food, bath, and sleep. Repeat. I constantly watch podcasts on affair recovery, print topics for us to discuss, questions that bothers me. But i am met with yes or no answers. I have to ask for his thoughts on the topics i give him to read. I have to ask for us to watch videos on recovery together, but he is just not interested. I told him last week I am losing hope. I am now the one that is dead inside.

I'm not quite seeing why you think you should get over his infidelity. He doesn't sound like he's making much effort at all, and the level of love and care that you want and have a right to expect from your husband just aren't there. Nothing will change that. So you may as well end it properly rather than hanging on hopefully.
It is worrying that you had such a major breakdown, hopefully you are having some kind of ongoing treatment/counselling therapy? Lots of tips from previous posters on where to find support, do follow it up.

Why should you get over it? Especially when he doesn’t seem to care. You’re flogging a dead horse. It’s hard and it’s tough and life will be different and maybe even difficult for a little while, but you will be better off leaving, or two years from now your still going to be doing the same thing.

OP, with the greatest of respect, your marriage is over. If he was genuinely sorry he would be grovelling saying he will do anything to put it right. He is seriously unbothered. Kick him out.

He told her he loved her to get his leg over . My dad warned me as a young woman many years ago that a man will tell a woman anything to get her into bed . Sounds like a midlife crises on his part and you are not unreasonable to want to get rid of that car . He couldn't have thought that much of her to want to fuck in a car ,

My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker around 8 months ago.

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that my husband is a saint. But the difference in attempts at reconciliation is stark to me.

Your husband should be in individual counseling and couples counseling with you at a minimum.

He needs to be moving heaven and earth to find a new job.

He should be engaging in conversation with you and doing everything he can to win you over. Treating your moments of sadness and pain and anger with the greatest level of patience and understanding.

What you have described is rug sweeping, not reconciliation. This isn't a man who wants to put in the hard work and effort.

It's easy for people on here to say "LTB" because they are not living in your situation and don't know the full details of your personal circumstances. So I won't say that. But now it's perhaps time to start thinking about the practicalities of starting out on your own. Look at the website Entitled To to see if you would be eligible for any benefits. Reach out to friends and family for support.

You're stronger than you think you are OP.

You need to give yourself 3 years to get over this, it's a huge betrayal. I wouldn't waste that time trying to get him to be the husband you need, he's just not interested it seems. You need to start emotionally distancing yourself, putting yourself first and working out where you go from here.

If you had had unprotected sex with someone else in the back of your car what would he do?

You were in a mental hospital for 21 days he isn't showing much "in sickness" part of your marriage vows.

At best he has contempt for you OP.

What exactly are you trying to save here?

I agree with the poster who said that he can't think much of her if he does it in the car.

The car must go. That's a reminder that is too close to home.

He sounds rather stupid. Is he stupid? Did the risk of STD not occur to him? Did the risk of losing you and his family not occur to him?

I think you need to leave your on a hiding to nothing staying with this one. As far as he’s concerned it’s all over and done with and he can carry on as before while you suffer.

You are under no obligation to stay with a man who has such contempt for you. My first husband left me for another woman, then decided he wanted to come back. I told him "no." It was the right decision and I am very happily remarried to a man who loves and respects me.

The only way you can recover as a couple from cheating is if he was completely transparent with you, gives you all the details, answers all your questions honestly. Put in the effort to change, he should have changed jobs etc.

He's showing you that he won't put in the effort to make amends.

In your shoes op I'd call it quits and separate.

I stayed with my ex for 3 years after his affair and I consider it a wasted 3 years. It was broken and he didn't want to give me what I needed to fix it

You say you can't get over it - but you are trying to make it work, and frankly it won't happen, not unless he genuinely regrets it and wants to change. Doesn't sound like he does.
Frankly, having been there - I can say that once you've lost that feeling with someone, it can be very difficult to get it back. I think you should go.
If after that, you both want each other, then you'll both try. But don't count on it.
The hurt isn't going to go away for a while yet, but that process so only start once you begin to let go.

There's no way to get over this.

He is trying to prove he is a changed man
In what way? Sounds like he hasn't changed at all and hasn't tried to prove that he has?

Couldn’t agree more. Honestly.

OP, you might find it a huge relief and beneficial to your mental health to stop clinging onto the relationship, I know I did.

You might not be ready to do that, but since he's not putting any effort in without you forcing it, I don't see how you can mend what he broke.

It's all you thrashing around trying to make it work. You can't do it on your own.

I’m sorry OP. You deserve better. How about going out and finding better?

Can you list the ways that he is trying to prove his is a changed man?

What do you need him to do to prove he won’t do this again?

Can you forgive a man who risked giving you an STD?

If you can’t get over it, what steps do you need to take to separate and move on?

What would it be like to be free of sharing a life with someone who betrayed you for ‘nothing’ ?

You can't fix the relationship in your own. It doesn't sound like he's willing to try and do any effort to work on things - that's why he had an affair in the first place, he can't be that vulnerable or put effort in. Hes betrayed you.

I am wondering why you went to a mental institution for 21 days. What happened at work when you found out? Was it voluntary or were you sectioned? Did he organize it or did you or did the nhs?

I love to read things like this well done you!

He isn't making any real attempt to repair the damage and your marriage is over.

You'd be much better to channel your anger and your energy into filing for divorce and sorting out the finances so that you can have a fresh start without him. He doesn't want you any more - he just doesn't want the hassle of divorce and finding somewhere else to go.

He will have another affair with someone else if you carry on like you are.

So your whore of a husband had unprotected sex with a coworker, in the back of your car… watched you spend 3 weeks of yours and your children’s precious lives in a hospital,
>is choosing not to anything beyond the superficial, hoping you’ll give him a free pass
>refusing to give you space to clear your mind
>gives you trickle truths
>refuses counselling
>flies off the handle
>is dragging his feet on finding a new job
>can’t recall what else… All for just a fuck, and no real remorse.

You can’t get over this whilst with him I’m afraid. I hope you’ll realise this before he absolutely destroys you, as he’s not a safe partner. In time you’ll likely see your relationship wasn’t as great as you imagined, as he sounds a selfish and self absorbed man.

One of the ops posts was deleted however she disclosed she’d also lost both her parents in the short space of six months and now her husband has betrayed her like this! 💔
Please be gentle with your comments lovely posters x

You have been destroyed by this and I don't think you are going to be able to stay with him. You need to get him out of your life heal and move on In fact if he had any decency he would leave and put you out of your misery how can he stay knowing what torture his causing you his a coward.

I could never forgive infidelity.
Time for you to move on, alone.

LEAVE HIM

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I can understand the hurt and the frustration - you want him to choose you. Unfortunately he’s not working as hard as you because it’s over, he’s checked out of the marriage. That’s hurtful and heartbreaking but there is life beyond this upset. Let him go.