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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so guilty and ashamed

54 replies

Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 13:59

Long story short. Friend used my phone for tinder and ended up getting a guy for the night. I don’t do fwb/fun. However I kept the account on my phone and started talking to another guy she matched with however thinking it’s my friend.

initially was just pointless banter but then I started liking him. Anyway, I couldn’t keep lying to him so told him after struggling back and forth for 3 days.

he was angry and blocked me, which is for the best.

but I feel so guilty for having done that to other person. I cannot believe I done this. I cannot believe I went against my own moral by lying to him for 2 days.

I wanted to tell him but everytime I wanna, I feel like it’s too late. And now it’s definitely too late. he asked me why I didn’t tell him earlier on, but I was struggling to tell, but now finally picked up the courage to right a wrong and take responsibility,

I had the worst night in my life. I was sick 3 times and my body was shaking, tingling, sweating, heartburn, flashy vision and I just feel so guilty and ashamed of my own actions. That I have potentially hurt his feelings. I know it’s only been 2 days but I feel like I’m gonna live with this.. I so disappointed in myself that I feel like I’m spiralling non stop and can’t do anything. I have not had anything all day in case I’m sick at work but now I feel like I’m going to be sick again.

Any advice would be good to help move on from this? I know I’m a horrible human being I know.

OP posts:
HiDaisy · 02/05/2024 14:02

Oh dear, op.
You're not a terrible person and in fact I read that thinking you need to cut yourself some slack! Yes it isn't ideal but it was 2 days and I'm sure he didn't get attached..he will be fine!
Slightly bizarre but you didn't mean to harm anyone. I'd just refrain from that again and move on, chalking it down as a silly and slightly odd mistake Grin

Original poster
Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 14:04

To add, part of me wanted to keep talking and not end so I couldn’t bare the thought of telling him. I also googled what to do in this situation and most online posters said to be honest and tell them the truth, which is what I did but I now regret it, hoping should have just ghosted him but most posters said not to do that because it’s a coward move.

I have apologised to him so many times, I honestly hope he forgives me because I lied to him and told some of my friends story mixed in with mine.

im truly ashamed and have learnt my lesson. I will never do this again, I hope I find some forgiveness from him..,

OP posts:
Comedycook · 02/05/2024 14:04

You are massively catastrophising. You chatted with him for three days...that's all. His life hasn't been ruined. Nor has yours. Just delete the app or whatever, don't do it again and forget about it.

Maybe see your gp about your anxiety though.

Ladyprehensile · 02/05/2024 14:07

Stop beating yourself up. No harm done really and you are history to him now. Time will blur the edges for you so go out and have some fun this BH weekend and put it behind you.

We all make daft mistakes. Lessons learned but think before you leap in future. Stop worrying.

Original poster
Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 14:21

i know but I felt like we connected, we talked non stop on the phone for 3-5 hours every day, talk until 5am and got up for work at 7am. And he was like he wants to be my first and last and I know he felt a strong connection too.

I know I’m history to him now. I know that. And I know it was probably a fantasy but I’m so sad about it. He mentioned briefly might meet me to talk after I told him but then reverted to no and blocking me. Which is fair enough.

im truly ashamed… I suppose I deserve feeling like sh*t, I see that as punishment for what I’ve done.

just been sick again in the toilet at work…

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 02/05/2024 14:24

Sweetheart, with the best will in the world that's a massive over-reaction on your part. I really think you need to speak to your GP about your anxiety and self-esteem/mental health, as this is not normal.

You did a daft thing. You didn't trigger the apocalypse or cause the death of a child. Some good therapy and possibly medication might help you get a better and more realistic perspective on things.

Waitingfordoggo · 02/05/2024 14:38

Did your friend also know that you were messaging the man and pretending to be her? Might be that you owe her an apology too.

But none of this sounds worth making yourself ill over. Hope you feel better soon.

AgentProvocateur · 02/05/2024 14:55

He probably wasn’t who he said he was either. Anyone who says they want to be your “first and last” after never actually meeting you is unhinged. You’ve had a lucky escape. Put it behind you and concentrate on your job.

SamW98 · 02/05/2024 15:09

Honestly it’s not great but it was a few days. Some people keep this sort of thing up for months, years even - have you ever seen Catfish??

You feel crap but you really are over thinking it. If hes on OLD being catfished is one those things that happens - he’ll forget about it and so should you

rkahic · 02/05/2024 15:13

Don’t beat yourself up about something you can’t change, it’s very doubtful he’s even thinking about it

OriginalUsername2 · 02/05/2024 15:17

That awful feeling you’re having is your sense of right and wrong. It’s working! This means you’re actually a decent person. A shit person wouldn’t feel like you do.

It’s okay, honestly.

anonqrtb · 02/05/2024 15:17

You reaction to this is weirdly strong?

You havent lied, you just took a few days to tell him hes not who the profile is. I can assure you aswell, if he was on a dating app there is a 90% chance he just wanted a quick shag.

Its very doubtful hes blocked you because hes hurt/heartbroken, he probably just thinks your a bit weird and cant be arsed with the drama.

I am honestly baffled at how this is making you physically sick? Its a real non-issue, it happen now let it go. You dont even know this man

haveaniceday321 · 02/05/2024 15:20

I personally I'd get off any dating site and work on yourself your struggling and that's ok

Comedycook · 02/05/2024 15:21

AgentProvocateur · 02/05/2024 14:55

He probably wasn’t who he said he was either. Anyone who says they want to be your “first and last” after never actually meeting you is unhinged. You’ve had a lucky escape. Put it behind you and concentrate on your job.

Agree.

Op....Does it not strike you as odd a man you've never met before saying he wants to be your first and last?

candycane222 · 02/05/2024 15:29

No way anyone knows someone will be their "first and last" just by chatting on an app/phone whatever. He's either as naive as you, or a player and a user.

You've watched too many silly films, you need to grow up (possibly him too). Be glad you had to drop out of this, you could have made a much bigger fool of yourself if you'd fallen for his nonsense then gone on the start a relationship with him. Yikes!

What you need to do now is:
Stop drinking coffee (with the lack of sleep I bet you have drunk too much, which is driving your extreme anxiety reaction)
Take some deep, slow breaths every time the thoughts surge back
Take some exercise to use up the adrenaline
Get an early night
Get off your phone and go to the cinema with a mate/go shopping with her/visit your Mum/clean the windows/generally reconnect with the real world.

Take care and chalk this one down to experience. And always, ALWAYS think carefully before believing what a man you don't know has said, especially if its something you want to hear!

SamW98 · 02/05/2024 15:38

Honestly OP you’ve got far too invested in a stranger after a few days.

Are you very young/inexperienced? Because the first and last comment is sleazy BS and actually laughably cringey. Your reaction is so disproportionate to what’s actually happened.

And for future ref ghosting before you’ve met is absolutely normal and happens to everyone. So don’t let that worry you again.

PineappleTime · 02/05/2024 15:43

Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 14:21

i know but I felt like we connected, we talked non stop on the phone for 3-5 hours every day, talk until 5am and got up for work at 7am. And he was like he wants to be my first and last and I know he felt a strong connection too.

I know I’m history to him now. I know that. And I know it was probably a fantasy but I’m so sad about it. He mentioned briefly might meet me to talk after I told him but then reverted to no and blocking me. Which is fair enough.

im truly ashamed… I suppose I deserve feeling like sh*t, I see that as punishment for what I’ve done.

just been sick again in the toilet at work…

This all sounds insane for a guy you 'met' 2 days ago on tinder. Get off dating apps if your boundaries are so poor. To be honest he was probably spinning you a load of shit too!

category12 · 02/05/2024 15:51

Do you have an anxiety disorder? (I mean this sympathetically) Because this is quite an extreme reaction for what you've done.

Yeah, you catfished the guy and maybe it's not your proudest moment in life, but no real harm done, and you're not going to make it a hobby. You've apologised so now you need to stop beating yourself up so hard.

Seaoftroubles · 02/05/2024 15:54

OP, this is a big over reaction from you and an even bigger one from him! Tbh you have dodged a bullet here as any guy that reckons he wants to be your 'first and last' after 2 days, and before you've even met, sounds very creepy and is waving more than a few red flags. You did a silly thing, but you confessed and apologised so absolutely no need for you to feel ashamed.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 02/05/2024 16:05

Your reaction is way too much and indicates strong people pleasing tendencies. Ie you are too concerned with other people’s feelings and upsetting other people / them thinking badly of you. In other areas of life this may lead to conflict avoidance and lying to people to ‘protect’ their feelings / yourself. I would take this as a sign to work on that.

Original poster
Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 16:21

anonqrtb · 02/05/2024 15:17

You reaction to this is weirdly strong?

You havent lied, you just took a few days to tell him hes not who the profile is. I can assure you aswell, if he was on a dating app there is a 90% chance he just wanted a quick shag.

Its very doubtful hes blocked you because hes hurt/heartbroken, he probably just thinks your a bit weird and cant be arsed with the drama.

I am honestly baffled at how this is making you physically sick? Its a real non-issue, it happen now let it go. You dont even know this man

I did lie, I told mix stories between my friend and mine. 20% her story because of the location setting she set and told my story because I was the one talking to him.

I’m sick because I lied and pretended to be someone I’m not and I don’t want him to tell the whole world what I did…

OP posts:
Original poster
Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 16:24

Comedycook · 02/05/2024 15:21

Agree.

Op....Does it not strike you as odd a man you've never met before saying he wants to be your first and last?

Show quote history

Yes a bit odd but I think it’s just the way he is. He sent me his family photos and sister and brother photos and told me where he worked and all. He seemed genuinely a nice person to me.
like I feel like I’m in the wrong by pretending to be my friend. And yeh she knows, she doesn’t care because we moved on from the app after day 2, to mobile/ texting and deleted the app. She wanted one nighters, she’s not too bothered, whereas I’ve been been with anyone before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 16:25

Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 16:24

Yes a bit odd but I think it’s just the way he is. He sent me his family photos and sister and brother photos and told me where he worked and all. He seemed genuinely a nice person to me.
like I feel like I’m in the wrong by pretending to be my friend. And yeh she knows, she doesn’t care because we moved on from the app after day 2, to mobile/ texting and deleted the app. She wanted one nighters, she’s not too bothered, whereas I’ve been been with anyone before.

Show quote history
  • I’ve never been with anyone before
OP posts:
Original poster
Newhome2023 · 02/05/2024 16:29

category12 · 02/05/2024 15:51

Do you have an anxiety disorder? (I mean this sympathetically) Because this is quite an extreme reaction for what you've done.

Yeah, you catfished the guy and maybe it's not your proudest moment in life, but no real harm done, and you're not going to make it a hobby. You've apologised so now you need to stop beating yourself up so hard.

Yes I have anxiety.

He also had a big reaction from it too. Saying it’s all very weird and why are people like this and saying if people are listening in on our conversation. Im like no! No one is here when I’m talking to you on the phone

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/05/2024 16:30

And he was like he wants to be my first and last and I know he felt a strong connection too

Wow. OK, you need some boundaries. You didn't owe him anything, and you're best off out of it. If you can't see this that way, you need to be sure not to date until you're in a more stable position.