I feel so guilty and ashamed

[Newhome2023]

Long story short. Friend used my phone for tinder and ended up getting a guy for the night. I don’t do fwb/fun. However I kept the account on my phone and started talking to another guy she matched with however thinking it’s my friend.

initially was just pointless banter but then I started liking him. Anyway, I couldn’t keep lying to him so told him after struggling back and forth for 3 days.

he was angry and blocked me, which is for the best.

but I feel so guilty for having done that to other person. I cannot believe I done this. I cannot believe I went against my own moral by lying to him for 2 days.

I wanted to tell him but everytime I wanna, I feel like it’s too late. And now it’s definitely too late. he asked me why I didn’t tell him earlier on, but I was struggling to tell, but now finally picked up the courage to right a wrong and take responsibility,

I had the worst night in my life. I was sick 3 times and my body was shaking, tingling, sweating, heartburn, flashy vision and I just feel so guilty and ashamed of my own actions. That I have potentially hurt his feelings. I know it’s only been 2 days but I feel like I’m gonna live with this.. I so disappointed in myself that I feel like I’m spiralling non stop and can’t do anything. I have not had anything all day in case I’m sick at work but now I feel like I’m going to be sick again.

Any advice would be good to help move on from this? I know I’m a horrible human being I know.

Exactly this. Yours were unlikely to be the only untruths involve, OP. He may be a married man on a nightshift with five children and another on the way. Get help for the anxiety.

You’re being far too hard on yourself. He’ll be over it already so you need to stop now. No harm has been done to him.

Do you have an anxiety disorder? (I mean this sympathetically) Because this is quite an extreme reaction for what you've done.

No shit Sherlock 🤣

Thanks all for your kind and comforting words. Honestly I don’t deserve it but thanks, I needed it so badly today. I feel a lot better.

I’m so exhausted from feeling like for 20h, like I’ve ran a marathon and not had much food from being sick. And I’ll stop all the coffee, not helping.

I’m meeting some friends at weekend so try and take my mind off it.

Did you tell this stranger that you're a virgin? How old are you?

Yeah, that's why he was suggesting he could be her first and last.

Yes, don't go about telling total strangers you're a virgin, even when you're not also pretending to be your friend.

Sure, it's just very concerning that she would have told a stranger this information after 2 days

And I don’t mind being the bad guy, I just couldn’t bare the thought of hurting anyone, stranger or non-stranger.

he just seemed upset, hung up on me, giving me a bit of attitude like when I said sorry, he’s like ‘I don’t care’, ‘yeah yeah yeah’ ‘whatever’

anyway I’ve learnt my lesson. I m truly sorry..

Yeh may hAve slipped during convo. I’m 26

And I’ve dated before, just didn’t feel like being with someone on that capacity in the past

Yes, all very intense and heightened.

OP, your behaviour wasn’t exactly beyond reproach, but it’s REALLY not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. He’s a stranger, you chatted for a couple of days, you don’t know him and he’ll be absolutely fine. He sounds very odd, anyway.

If you want to use the app to meet people as yourself, there’s nothing stopping you.

However, please don’t overshare with strange men on OLD. Certainly don’t inform people with whom you’ve been speaking for a couple of days that you’re a virgin. Firstly because it’s none of their business, but chiefly because it will be a magnet for the predatory.

Are you able to access professional support for your anxiety? It must be really stressful to live with.

Do you realise how many people cat fish? You are one of millions. Put it down as a lesson learned and try and move on

OP, there are probably 100,000 people on dating sites RIGHT THIS MINUTE who are not who they say they are.

Of the remainder, 90% of the men are on there for one thing only. He was probably mildly irritated and that's it. He will have already started talking to other people.

What you did is incredibly trivial in the grand scheme of things, and I think you need to speak to a professional counsellor about your absolute desperation to avoid doing anything to avoid hurting someone's feelings. That really is not normal.

He had a big reaction because he's paranoid he's being scammed or set up. There are so many truly unscrupulous people out there, his first thought is not that you are an inexperienced, anxious young woman who has made a mistake, but that you are some sort of criminal, predator, or wind up merchant. Its not your fault that these people exist and make other people so cautious, but because they exist, and its not a great place out there, it makes playing around on OLD a bad idea for someone like you. See it as a lesson learned and take care in future, for your own sake. Don't worry too much about him. When he sees nothing untoward is going to happen, he'll get over it.

He's already talking to someone else...that's the reality of OLD 🤷‍♀️

This is all very heightened OP...maybe stay offline for a while, until you've worked on your boundaries?

Thanks all, truly!

I feel much better. I will take everyone’s advice and stay off apps going forward. Maybe in the distant future, I just don’t think it’s good for my anxiety.

and yes I see it clearly now the whole ‘be your first and last’ is a lot of BS. It’s only been 3 days and we’ve never met. Thinking back, he also agrees with most things I said, which is red flag.

I will work on myself. My anxiety has been ok and controlled up till now. A few years ago, I went on apps and caused me to spiral. same thing this time.

I just think dating apps are not good for my healthy.

thanks again for all your advice and those who sympathised with me. True I am inexperienced and probably want to see the best in people, and I would never want to harm anyone. That’s how I was brought up. And the fact that I might have went against this one thing I stand for, made me sick to my stomach.

I will reflect on this and learn from it then move on.

OP it really will not serve you well to be so terrified of ever hurting someone. It will make you far too easy to exploit . People (men, but all people. Your own parents even?) can say 'oh you have to do x y or z for me or ill be upset' then they can make you do anything they want you to, even if it not a good choice for you . It really isn't safe for you to give way to others so easily. You need to look out for yourself too.

Hi all. I feel a lot better this evening right. I blocked him on everything and turned off my phone for the whole evening after work. Went to see my mum. trying to forget about it.

then when I turned my phone back on at 11.20pm to set my alarm for saw a missed call notification from Three from this guy.

I blocked him, not why why Three still texted me to let me know a missed call from him at 8pm.

I tried to call again but the number is now blocked. I messaged him on WhatsApp did you call with screenshot because my last text i apologied and said it’s the last time I will message and blocked him.

why is he calling me at 8pm and why call after blocking me?? I honestly don’t get it. I’m so exhausted. I’m trying to forget and forgive myself and it’s working and now I’ve unblocked him by asking him if he called…

advice?

I would advise that you keep him blocked and move past it.

What you did isn't the end of the world and you had only been talking with him for a few days.

I don't think you should be dealing with this guy. I'm glad that you see the red flags. The 'first and last' comment after just three days of talking on the phone, when you are quite clearly vulnerable, is honestly quite revolting.

Continue working on your anxiety. Do not feel bad about what has happened. It's highly likely this guy has cast his wide net on dating apps and is talking to multiple people.

What are you ringing and messaging him for, exactly? What were you hoping to achieve?

I think you need to read all these comments again. And then perhaps a third time, for emphasis. Keep him blocked and move on with your life.

not sure what I’m trying to achieve here tbh.

he was the one who said I don’t know you/whatever/ do what you want/ don’t care..etc he seemed to wanna cut ties but at the same time he said don’t mind meeting up but changed his mind to no before ignoring me.

then after 1 day or not hearing back, obviously blocked him and turned off my phone. Then he called. I’m not even sure why I got a missed call notification when I’ve blocked him. Why call, and then block me. I mean when he called, he obviously knew I blocked him because it must have went to voicemail.

Yes yes, I need to read over them several times and keep reminding myself. Thanks!!

When you block someone, I believe it just prevents your phone alerting you that the blocked person is calling. It has nothing to do with your network.

Therefore, if you block someone, it'll just send them straight to voicemail.

That's probably why you received a text saying that you had a missed call.