Miscarrying our baby.. Am I overthinking his behaviour?

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Hi guys,

So we have a almost 2 year old and I was pregnant and began to miscarry Monday morning I was super upset and my partner hugged me etc and then after an hour or so he said “don’t worry we’ll have sex again soon I’m sure” I brushed this off. Later he didn’t say much, didn’t really help me much I continued my day as normal having to take care of our toddler and do what I need to around the house (I also continued to work I work from home) because I can’t afford time off as he works part time so my finances cover everything and he pays half the rent. The next day he kept kissing me, trying to shove his tongue in my mouth, touched my boob, touching my bum I felt so uncomfortable and I told him like his so insensitive and he just kinda joked it off. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling about it, if there is anything he can do to support or anything. Instead last night he said “are you sure it’s not just a period” he saw me take the test, he knew I missed my period and he also saw what was coming out of me on Monday as I was miscarrying. I feel so invalidated.

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it?

You probably need to report the rape if you can. And what he said to your toddler about it being his fault - to Womens aid or somewhere similar. Keep this monster well away from your child.

And I'd be tempted to tell him to go now - just give him his precious rent money back. You'll save more in bills and stress than that will cost.

I don’t really have anywhere to go, the tenancy is on my name and not his however my friend has said if I need to move at any point she is willing to help me by paying for a temporary accommodation and is happy to pay to have my locks changed if I need them. My manager is aware so are my friends and family that I will on the 7th make him leave so everyone will be in consistent contact with me and will reach out to the police if they don’t hear from me for an hour as it is a working day for me.

I would rather not involve the police and just hope this can end with him eventually understanding and going however I also know once I do manage to get him to leave he won’t just stop there.

the bin room in my building is outback and quite secluded and he has said things such as “you’d get murdered so easily there and no one would know” the building requires a code to get in and not a fob and he is knows the code.

Speak to your landlord. They should be abke to change keys/locks/codes. This is why you might need to involve the police to ensure that you and dc are safe afterwards.

As he's not on the tenancy, it is much easier to boot him - he is essentially a lodger.

What I would do, and it's not easy, it has risks and it's just an opinion, is:

Take lots of pictures dated today (when he's out)
Take anything valuable, important or irreplaceable
Tell him in writing and by email (so you have a record) that he needs to leave by the 7th (because giving notice is better)
Tell the landlord the codes need changed without telling the ex on the 7th
Go somewhere safe

I'd also talk to Women's Aid and possibly the police about the rape and what he said, and Shelter for the housing questions. Their advice is worth more than mine.

All the very very best.

God OP that’s awful 😧

God god god! 😱 I missed this post!

You are in and awful situation OP - there is no doubt in my mind you need to end the relationship with this trash. Easier said, I know 😣

I hope you have support IRL and have access to professional agencies you can speak to.

Sending massive hugs to you and your little boy Xx

Edited because I have now RTFT. Glad you are getting rid of this worthless piece of shit.

I am very sorry for the loss of your baby.

Initially I was just going to say that miscarriage should definitely not make a man horny, but it is so much worse than that. Hopefully 2 year old is too young to take in his revolting comments about loss of the baby, but that kind of thing could traumatise an older child for life, utterly unacceptable in either case.

I'm glad you're making arrangements to get out, wishing you best of luck and sorry for all he's put you through.

Ugh what a revolting prick!! And to say that to your little boy is beyond disgusting. Kick him in to touch

So he raped you as well? I'm so sorry he did that to you. You need to get as far away from him as possible and phone the police.

Run OP. He is a rapist and emotionally abusing your child. Evil fucker.

I agree with everything except call the police. That is something OP can choose to do but in no world will she get even close to a conviction. Women with solid evidence don't get convictions.

OP you can talk to police but only if it is likely to be helpful to you. Emotionally, practically, whatever. You don't have to.

His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and I am so sorry for your loss ❤️ I think you need to get yourself away from this man xx

You really should tell him to leave asap. The rent date is just some BS he is spouting and doesn't even make sense. You will be paying your rent a month in advance, so its already paid till then. The quicker you say, the sooner he will go. I think you are being unrealistic if you expect him to go the day you tell him. Tell him now, then he has a weeks notice - anyone needs some time to plan where to go, even a twat like him. If he refuses to make arrangements and go, then you will need police to remove him. It's good its your place and not married, so he has no rights. Given he is an abusive rapist, he has no rights at all.
You should seek further advice from womens aid.

Oh it just gets worse. I’m so sorry OP.

He’s been unsympathetic and uncaring towards your pregnancy loss (even if he doesn’t feel it as deeply as you, he needs to be sympathetic to your feelings and look after you physically and emotionally), he’s cruel to your toddler and he’s a rapist.

Please don’t stay in this relationship.

Seriously, you need to involve the police and domestic abuse services if he's making death threats, even veiled ones.

You can get him removed and you can get legal orders to keep him away.

You need help, op. He won't just move out otherwise.

So sorry for your loss. You need to leave this pos. You're worth so much more and so is your child.
Tell him now so he can't say he's not had time to prepare/find elsewhere, even if you say he has to leave by 7th of May. If you don't tell him until then, he isn't likely to leave the same day, so you'll be stuck with him until 7th of June (if he won't leave until the end of the rental month). Have a friend with you, and if necessary inform the police so they can escort him off the premises.
I'm assuming because the tenancy is in your name you could just change the locks and remove his stuff from the property when he's out, but only you know if that would be safe to do.

Main issue with this situation is that you decided to have more kids with a man who is too lazy to find q full time job!!!
Why would you do it to yourself and the kid(s)…..

Do read all OP's posts.

Wow, he’s a revolting piece of shit isn’t he?

Glad to hear you’ve got a plan to leave. It’ll be the first day of the rest of your life 💐

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. A miscarriage is traumatic and you deserve compassion and love from your partner. Please contact police and women’s aid straight away and explain;

1. he raped you (sex without consent)
2. he is abusive towards your child (saying it was the toddlers fault you miscarried)
3. he has physically threatened you (saying you could be killed in the outhouse).

in no way would it be advisable to stay - it is not safe for yourself or your child. Advise your landlord - ask for the locks to be changed immediately and take help from everyone who is offering it. Don’t speak to him again directly - it will all have to be via a third party or via email so there is a record. Make sure you’re not alone with him - and if he tries to cause trouble ring the police.

I hope you’re okay - please let us know when you’re safe x

The main issue is that he's an abusive rapist. RTFT. On the Relationships board at least.

OP, there's a word for what he did. It was non-consentual. Theres a word for that. I'm not going to say it, but we all know.

For gods sake leave him. Please. Just go, today. Take your child, your passport / important paperwork, and ghost him. Everything else can be replaced.

Trying to find a positive in his behaviour... can't! What a knob!

I cant get past the comment about the bin room such as “you’d get murdered so easily there and no one would know”. Can you have somebody big and burly with you when you tell him to go. Can you get the code changed? I'd contact the police because he sounds frightening.