Has anyone ever changed so much it's left them a stranger in their own life?

[IamII]

I'm in my forties and did a uni course a few years ago to help me change industries. I spent time with new people and got interested in a lot of new things.

New music and new hobbies. I loved it, I felt alive and vibrant, and had a lot of people around me who shared the things I was becoming interested in.

That ended a year ago, and I still have those 'new' interests, but the group has drifted apart. I miss the friends I had, but it's also left me thoroughly dislocated from my old life.

Nobody likes the music I'd like to see live so I don't really get to do that, unless I can steel myself to go alone. The hobbies I picked up I absolutely love, but they are solo activities.

My old friends have stopped bothering with me as there's less in common now. My husband hasn't the faintest clue who I am.

And I'm getting sadder and lonelier. What the fuck do I do now? I'm different and it doesn't seem to suit anyone. I'm so grindingly fucking lonely, all day every day.

I have a new job with lovely people but I'm the boss and they're all 30, tops, and the dynamic is just different. I miss friends. And plans.

It's my birthday next week and i guarantee I'll get a text from my 'best' friend and that'll be it.

Has anyone else found themselves really lost in their 40s? How the fuck do I find my way back, or through?

I’m in my 50’s and feel lost, and I wonder if part of it for you is the start of peri menopause, as I know that’s my problem.
I no longer want to be with my husband, he’s lovely and kind, but I wish he’d piss off. We no longer have anything in common since the kids have grown.
I want to go to gigs with someone, but I’ve no one to go with. I want to walk up hills, but no one to go with. I’ve no friends since I stopped standing at the school gates. And no, and don’t want to go with DH.

Go to the gigs alone.

What's stopping you?

I go to a lot of gigs (albeit with DH because we both like live music) and there are always loads of single people there who come in to have a drink and watch the band.

I know that won't solve anyone's problem of feeling inherently lonely but don't let societal norms of women not going nowhere without a plus one stop you.

I do @THisbackwithavengeance but I don't really want to. I want friends to go with. I want someone to actively want to spend time with me.

God @DustyLee123 this exactly. Life with older kids is proving to be dreary and worrying and I needed that outlet of other people and other new things but now I have nothing really, except hobbies I do alone.

Even though the group has drifted can you try and connect with a couple of people and keep up those friendships? Systematically work through the group and see which ones are up for going out with you and try and turn those people into long term friends.

Even solo hobbies tend to have related social groups where you can share knowledge or just rave about the hobby, though? Like online groups or Meetup groups?

And if you're a fan of particular bands or genre of music, I would look for other fans to connect with. Then you could at least potentially meet people to go with.

I've booked 3 gigs alone. I didn't know anyone interested in what I wanted to see. This is fine. But lonely so I understand.

What did you used to have in common with your friends before this? What did you do with these people? I'm wondering if you never actually really had much in common with them in the first place and have outgrown them.

Have you looked at something like meet up? Although where I live all the groups tend to be full of people a bit older than 40s. Depending what the solo hobbies are, look for a group for them? Running and walking clubs etc. I've found it hard since splitting with my ex - a lot of our shared friends have drifted now we're not a couple (from him too so it's not like they took sides!). I just do a lot of stuff alone and have got chatting to people that way.

I’m in my 50s and I feel like I’ve finally sobered up. Or woke up from a long dream (nightmare sometimes). When I look back at some of the decisions I’ve made in life, people I allowed into my life - I can’t believe it was myself. Kind of: who was I? My tolerance level for bs is lower but as a result I have fewer ppl in my life and sometimes it feels lonely and I just cannot be bothered to build new connections.

Maybe you need to be more proactive about meeting people who share your interests. When there's a gig or concert you want to see, get in touch with all the people you used to go with and ask if anyone wants to join you. Also join FB pages for the bands or orchestras and ask if there are any groups going that you could join. You don't need close friends to go to gigs, just friendly faces who share your taste.

With the solo hobbies, join online or local interest groups for people you can geek with. At least half my close friends irl I first met online, sharing a hobby you do alone at home.

Separate out loneliness and stimulation. It's fine to go to a talk or author reading or craft fair alone to fulfil your passion for something then come home and grumble with old mates about menopause or chat with DH about the news, the kids etc. Also, could you find a career mentor at work, or mentor someone younger? Great friendships can come from that, age gaps don't matter.

If you are in a good marriage, find some projects to do together. Rekindle interests that you shared. When DH and I got together we loved gigs and theatre. DC and job losses meant no time or money for either. Now DC are grown and mortgage paid, we go to theatre or gigs at least twice a month.

I've done that since the course ended but it's fading now, they were workships I suppose, and I mistook them for friendships.

There's only so long you can keep being the one to maintain contact before it's embarrassing if you can't take the hint.

I downloaded an app which was meant to be for meeting up with people at gigs, but within one day it was just all guys hitting on me (not showing off at all, it's just men being men innit).

Thanks, there is a local group I could join for one of my hobbies although it's a bit expensive.

I think over the years I invested so much in friendships based around my work, and now that's gone in a different direction, it turns out there was very little keeping those friendships together.

Which makes me really really sad. I had two/three close friends I'd happily have kept forever, but they don't seem to feel the same. And I just feel...not worthy.

What gigs are you wanting to go to? I think more people go alone now. And it’s easy to get chatting. There are a ladies music/festival chat groups on FB etc, they regularly ask who is going to a specific gig (all women), but it’s a specific genre.

A mix of stuff really @Myopicglass and I'm sure I could find some strangers to hang with, I've done it a few times this year already.

I just...I want my friends back I suppose. Going to a gig with strangers emphasises that as much as going alone.

I'm just sad today. I feel so lost in my life.

All you need is one good friend who you can see regularly and who shares the same interests. Try to work out how you can find that person. She might be in the same situation as you - on the internet, trying to work out how to find a friend.

Maybe. My 'best friend' is always far too busy to fit me in. And my other 'best friend' turned out to be a workship on their end.

So I need to start again, in my 40s. And it fucking sucks. I don't want to be the one desperately trying to keep connections going, it makes me feel shit and it's embarrassing.

When I read your post OP I instantly thought of Educating Rita. If you've not seen the film I recommend it as I think you would really identify with it.

In my 50s I changed from a corporate career and retrained in horticulture - a massive change of life and I feel like a different person. I found my new tribe at the course I did and made two good friends who are now central to my life. Everything changed and the future is an open book as it is for you now.

Could you do more courses, perhaps even very short courses (of any type - art/music/dance/history?) that will give you the stimulation you need and the opportunity to made positive new connections with people?

That's what I've done @Churchview and I'm hoping that the things I'm doing now will replace my corporate career maybe in 3-5 years.

Maybe it's the transition that hurts - leaving behind old people before new ones fill the gap.

I suspect all that's happened is you are at a different life stage than them- sounds like you loved hanging with that particular crowd, but they all have gone their separate ways, perhaps settled with different people, had kids, moved for work. This is completely normal, I've had groups of work colleagues I've loved but it doesn't last. The pandemic also shut down a lot of work/group socializing and it's been hard to start all that back up and many people aren't as motivated.

I agree either sticking with or forging more one on one relationships going forward is the best way.

I agree it's sad, but it is natural unfortunately, groups like that do change or fade over time, but new ones build too e.g. around a certain band.

It's not you though, it's not personal, time and people move on.

Maybe you're right. It leaves me with nobody though. And I'm different to the woman my husband married so even that isn't as plain sailing as it used to be.

I just feel uncomfortable everywhere; that thing about feeling alone even in a crowded room. Like I could crawl out of my skin because absolutely nothing makes me feel at home any more.

How do you feel about your marriage, OP? When I started feeling like you, I realised that I had 'grown out' of my DH (not difficult, in my case). We ended up divorced and I became a different person in many ways, I guess. It's probably called 'growing up'...

He's a good guy. But he's sort of happy to slip into getting older and I'm definitely not. I don't think he's that keen on who I've become. He thinks I'm showing off or acting cool.

I've heard every fucking joke he's ever told. He tells them all practically daily. Sometimes I can't hide how sick I am of hearing the same old dad jokes and shit.

We would never split up though; we have a child with SEN who can't cope with change. And also what would be the point; then I'd be a divorced lonely person with no friends instead of a married one.

Ok, fair enough OP. The only thing I can suggest then is looking on one of those meet - up for friendship type sites. I expect someone above has already mentioned it. Best wishes.

Thanks @Cathbrownlow