Has anyone ever changed so much it's left them a stranger in their own life?

[IamII]

I'm in my forties and did a uni course a few years ago to help me change industries. I spent time with new people and got interested in a lot of new things.

New music and new hobbies. I loved it, I felt alive and vibrant, and had a lot of people around me who shared the things I was becoming interested in.

That ended a year ago, and I still have those 'new' interests, but the group has drifted apart. I miss the friends I had, but it's also left me thoroughly dislocated from my old life.

Nobody likes the music I'd like to see live so I don't really get to do that, unless I can steel myself to go alone. The hobbies I picked up I absolutely love, but they are solo activities.

My old friends have stopped bothering with me as there's less in common now. My husband hasn't the faintest clue who I am.

And I'm getting sadder and lonelier. What the fuck do I do now? I'm different and it doesn't seem to suit anyone. I'm so grindingly fucking lonely, all day every day.

I have a new job with lovely people but I'm the boss and they're all 30, tops, and the dynamic is just different. I miss friends. And plans.

It's my birthday next week and i guarantee I'll get a text from my 'best' friend and that'll be it.

Has anyone else found themselves really lost in their 40s? How the fuck do I find my way back, or through?

Well, you'd be free to find a partner on your wavelength?

Is your husband happy in your relationship? If you could part amicably, couldn't you maintain stability for your child while not being together?

I am not sure really @category12

I can't talk to him about it. If I am totally honest my midlife crisis brought along with it a massive crush on someone else and that's a very real part of things.

Ah, you're bound to feel more restive and irritated by your dh if you're interested in someone else. Does the other person reciprocate?

If you're determined to stay in the marriage, you need to remove this person from your life really.

Surely there are ways of managing change for your dc - OK it might be a bumpy ride, but life happens, and you can't necessarily keep things static for them.

Yeah @category12 he's gone, pretty much, but it has left me looking around thinking...is this really it?

Maybe peri is kicking in. I'm so down about everything. My period finished last week and I have cramps again today. I feel slightly...not mentally right.

There's been a lot happened in the last few years and I think I'm still struggling to deal. I have booked an appointment with a counsellor so maybe that will help.

Yes, me. Approaching 40, no friends, no family really. I've become a complete weirdo.

When I read your post OP I instantly thought of Educating Rita. If you've not seen the film I recommend it as I think you would really identify with it.

Same.

Watched it years ago, probably through very naive and innocent eyes. Maybe I'll give it another go.

Im going to watch it too now!

It sounds to me like you want to crack open your life and start living again.

I wonder if you might be open to really big self-discovery type ideas - like climbing a mountain, walking the camino, doing a silent retreat, a rebirthing workshop (I'm not usually 'woo' myself but have a rough plan to get into all kinds of crazy stuff once the kids are older and I have time to myself and need to figure out who I am again). Time to truly live your life.

If it is gigs you want to go to, I agree re trying to find people through Facebook groups who want to come. Also Facebook groups for your solo hobbies and trying to find ways to meet people that way.

Good luck! Life just plods along with kids and it's hard to make changes. But it sounds like you're ready for some.

You're exactly right @pjani I want drama and plans and things to improve and look forward to!

My old friends have stopped bothering with me as there's less in common now. My husband hasn't the faintest clue who I am.

How have solo hobbies and music lead to this? They should be happy you’re living life!

I’ve been to gigs alone in the past, but it’s nice to have someone to share it with, someone who enjoys the music as much as you do.

I'm a mum of teenagers who are all getting older. No partner and a great group of mates who are really busy and not into music or really going out if it isn't planned up weeks in advance.

I bit the bullet and joined a MeetUp group for music and gigs locally and it's been great. I dip in and out when it suits me and love the feeling of showing up without any responsibility on the night. Some people are becoming friends, others aren't my people but there's a tolerance for that across the group.

It's not the same as doing it with a partner or an old mate - but I needed to do something for me and there is nothing better than a good gig to lift my soul. It takes effort to walk in the first time and I felt a bit awkward but now it's easy. Give it a go.

@IamII you sound like me - although I’m at a slightly earlier stage than you. DC are early teens/late primary stage and I just know I’ll be able to write your exact post in a few years.
Very meh about my DH, really can’t see myself with him once the dc are older and I just want my freedom! It’s so hard maintaining friendship groups - everyone else I know seems to have a big girlie gang to do stuff with (although I know that’s probably not the reality) and I’m just stuck on the edge. I don’t really have a support group of mates, which would make those difficult decisions easier. I thought I’d made a good group of school mum friends but one of them was very jealous of me and has totally frozen me out of the group ☹️.

There’s lots of stuff I’d like to do but I don’t have anyone to do them with. It’s only going to get worse as the kids get older. Dh and I have different interests now - and if I drag him along to anything I want to do he just pisses me off.

Oh dear! Anyway solidarity OP. I think this sort of thinking is not uncommon around menopause.

I'm thinking about that - there's a local group for women. I looked last night at their Insta and their next meet up is for...making friendship bracelets.

I mean. Fuck sake. I'm not 9 🤨

It's a fucking drag isn't it. Worst thing is I really felt part of a tribe I fell into in an old job. Now that I've a new job, everyone is very nice, but they're not my people. My people are nowhere to be found.

I guess it's your classic midlife crisis. If my husband came home listening to new music, dressing differently, with new hobbies that didn't include me, I don't suppose I'd be thrilled either.

Aaaand. I've just realised i NC'd since starting this thread 😁 It's me!

I have lots of different friends and we all have different interests and hobbies. I find it odd that your friends won't engage with you any more because you've got some new hobbies or have started listening to different music ? Have you really got NOTHING to talk to them about any more?

Also DP And I don't really share any hobbies tbh, we lead separate lives in that respect. But we're very happy.

Yes, in the same boat, but nearly 53!
Never been part of a group, but have had clusters of friends over the years, although never really " clicked " with any particular group.

Now, my teens are living their lives, I've got secondary breast cancer and am grumpy as fuck as my beloved HRT has been stopped. I literally couldn't give a flying fuck about much right now.

I just know I need to make more effort, but it feels hard ( it shouldn't be!)

Solitary OP.

Reading your posts, it sounds as if you’re on a downer at the moment. Is there anything in your life which gives you joy? What you can feel positive about? Can you look at things from a different angle? Is there anything you don’t know about your husband and are interested in finding out? Tbh, if I felt my dh was full of dad jokes and shit and that was all there was I’d be looking to have a serious conversation about our marriage and whether we commit to it or separate. People have given helpful suggestions here but you’ve given reasons why they’re no good which makes me think you might need to look at things differently. So what if you go to gigs with non friends-they may become friends or if they don’t, you’ve shared an experience with people rather than doing it alone which you don’t like either. I think you have achieved so much in the last few years-did you get acknowledgment and recognition from your dh and friends? Look at work as going there to do a job and get on with your team rather than a source of friendships then you won’t be disappointed. I agree with other posters-even though you have solo hobbies, there are forums and groups for those who share that interest-you may click with someone there.

My situation is very similar to yours.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do!

I think mid 40's is when you evaluate your life a lot. Loads of marriages end, kids are usually around secondary age and less reliant, in some ways you really get freedom back but then everyone is working all the time and the CoL means there's a feeling of time running out atm.

I also think most people feel very lonely these days. Social media is not social at all and people now update that rather than meeting up because life has become so hectic - we feel we have to do activities with the kids both days of the weekend as well as clean the house, fix anything and relax. There's not as much time for friends. I don't know what the solution is, but I personally have found if I find a funny meme and send it to someone I've not spoken to in a bit it can lighten the mood. It feels weird at first but even if one or two friends pick it up and start a "meme exchange" it can be fun without needing too much time.

I'm also considering a huge life change in that I have been single for a long time and actually am considering starting to date women. I don't think my friends would have a huge issue with this but there's not exactly a manual on how to go about that! Change is scary but keeps us moving forwards. It's experiences that keep our lives interesting.

So you dropped all of your friends for the new lot? Friends tend to not like that and they will have moved on. Plus, if you are such a different person now then there's no point anyway. I don't get that though, my friends and I all like different things and have different interests. Wouldn't it be boring living in an echo chamber? They still come to gigs with me and I've even convinced one or two to join me at a festival. I do things for them that I'm not into either, like the bloody gym so they don't have to go alone. I never dropped them for a new crowd though.
Did you distance yourself from your husband for your 'crush'? That's sad if so and like a lot of women who post on here about their husbands midlife crisis, he will probably be feeling as lost as you. Perhaps its time to leave him, so he can find someone who loves all of him?

Maybe I've described it wrong. It's probably a combination of me changing and just...life. My best friend has hardly any free time as a single parent and carer who works, so we maybe get a coffee once a quarter, if that. I'm really not so much on her radar any more.

And my other important friendship was with an ex-colleague, which has drifted. I thought it was a friendship, they obviously thought it was just a workship.

Happens, but hurts, and I miss them both. I have no plans at all coming up, absolutely nothing, and I just think...how very unimportant I am to anyone, even people I feel are important to me.

Like, nobody ever thinks 'I've got a free day, I'd like to hang out with her' - it's always me chasing and I can't do it any more without feeling worse and worse about myself every time.