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Original poster

Has anyone ever changed so much it's left them a stranger in their own life?

60 replies

IamII · 30/04/2024 06:52

I'm in my forties and did a uni course a few years ago to help me change industries. I spent time with new people and got interested in a lot of new things.

New music and new hobbies. I loved it, I felt alive and vibrant, and had a lot of people around me who shared the things I was becoming interested in.

That ended a year ago, and I still have those 'new' interests, but the group has drifted apart. I miss the friends I had, but it's also left me thoroughly dislocated from my old life.

Nobody likes the music I'd like to see live so I don't really get to do that, unless I can steel myself to go alone. The hobbies I picked up I absolutely love, but they are solo activities.

My old friends have stopped bothering with me as there's less in common now. My husband hasn't the faintest clue who I am.

And I'm getting sadder and lonelier. What the fuck do I do now? I'm different and it doesn't seem to suit anyone. I'm so grindingly fucking lonely, all day every day.

I have a new job with lovely people but I'm the boss and they're all 30, tops, and the dynamic is just different. I miss friends. And plans.

It's my birthday next week and i guarantee I'll get a text from my 'best' friend and that'll be it.

Has anyone else found themselves really lost in their 40s? How the fuck do I find my way back, or through?

OP posts:
StillYourFavouriteRegret · 02/05/2024 09:07

HesterRoon · 02/05/2024 08:30

Reading your posts, it sounds as if you’re on a downer at the moment. Is there anything in your life which gives you joy? What you can feel positive about? Can you look at things from a different angle? Is there anything you don’t know about your husband and are interested in finding out? Tbh, if I felt my dh was full of dad jokes and shit and that was all there was I’d be looking to have a serious conversation about our marriage and whether we commit to it or separate. People have given helpful suggestions here but you’ve given reasons why they’re no good which makes me think you might need to look at things differently. So what if you go to gigs with non friends-they may become friends or if they don’t, you’ve shared an experience with people rather than doing it alone which you don’t like either. I think you have achieved so much in the last few years-did you get acknowledgment and recognition from your dh and friends? Look at work as going there to do a job and get on with your team rather than a source of friendships then you won’t be disappointed. I agree with other posters-even though you have solo hobbies, there are forums and groups for those who share that interest-you may click with someone there.

You're right @HesterRoon I am one of those annoying OPs who has a reason to push back on every suggestion - I do feel very down and sorry for myself don't I.

I suppose at the heart of it...I want a Time Machine back to when I felt really happy. I'm scared I'll never be properly happy ever again, and life is just one massive fucking downhill slide from here.

StillYourFavouriteRegret · 02/05/2024 09:10

Iaskedyouthrice · 02/05/2024 08:46

So you dropped all of your friends for the new lot? Friends tend to not like that and they will have moved on. Plus, if you are such a different person now then there's no point anyway. I don't get that though, my friends and I all like different things and have different interests. Wouldn't it be boring living in an echo chamber? They still come to gigs with me and I've even convinced one or two to join me at a festival. I do things for them that I'm not into either, like the bloody gym so they don't have to go alone. I never dropped them for a new crowd though.
Did you distance yourself from your husband for your 'crush'? That's sad if so and like a lot of women who post on here about their husbands midlife crisis, he will probably be feeling as lost as you. Perhaps its time to leave him, so he can find someone who loves all of him?

No I don't think I dropped friends @Iaskedyouthrice it's just been life - we're all working mums, living in different villages, I was traveling a lot...just life took over really.

Which was fine when I had my uni course and crush, but now all of that is gone too.

I probably did distance myself from my husband (ok, I definitely did) but now I'm doing the reverse, and things are better, but I suppose it's all just...fine. Flat. Boring.

Maybe I need antidepressants actually.

Iaskedyouthrice · 02/05/2024 09:26

StillYourFavouriteRegret · 02/05/2024 09:10

No I don't think I dropped friends @Iaskedyouthrice it's just been life - we're all working mums, living in different villages, I was traveling a lot...just life took over really.

Which was fine when I had my uni course and crush, but now all of that is gone too.

I probably did distance myself from my husband (ok, I definitely did) but now I'm doing the reverse, and things are better, but I suppose it's all just...fine. Flat. Boring.

Maybe I need antidepressants actually.

Show quote history

You know, I think most of us have a period in our lives that we look back on wistfully. I certainly do. I had a period where life was one constant party and God I miss those days. I'm very much into an 'alternative' scene and my other half is into the EDM scene but we've both gone along to the others thing and thoroughly enjoyed it. Is that a possibility with your dh?
The friends I made during my wild period all drifted away. It was just a moment in time and I'm grateful for it.
So just get yourself out there. Book a festival and find the meet ups for people that are also going alone (as it turns out, loads of people go alone) or drag your dh to one. Book the luxury camping so it's as pleasant for him as possible.
It's impossible to go back to the you before so embrace it.

Moidershewrote · 02/05/2024 09:30

A few things to consider;

  • Peri-meno - consider trying HRT, it’s a game changer for low mood etc I started at 40 and it saved me from slipping into misery.
  • Mindfulness meditation. I’d look into the 8 week group courses that are held all over. It’s such a useful life skill that will improve your low mood.
  • Join the gym / pilates / yoga / tai-chi, walking groups - basically get moving as this will lift your mood regardless.
  • Join that expensive hobby group, you only live once etc..
  • Seek out some online groups, perhaps with regular weekly online meet ups. If nothing else it will focus you and fill up time.
  • Don’t rule out friendships with older / younger people. One of my closest friends is 10+ years younger than me.
  • Short / hobby related courses and talks.
  • Volunteering locally in your community somehow.
  • Dance!
DustyLee123 · 02/05/2024 09:33

‘’I'm scared I'll never be properly happy ever again,’’

i get this, I feel the same.
i also feel very sad that I’ll never be in love again.

Seaoftroubles · 02/05/2024 09:50

OP l think the crush that you had is at the heart of things. It most likely gave you that frisson of excitement and longing for something exciting and different. And now contact is over but the feelings still remain. It's a tough one as you obviously feel something is missing in your life but are unable to grasp it. I wonder if some counselling might help you unpack things?

StillYourFavouriteRegret · 02/05/2024 09:59

Seaoftroubles · 02/05/2024 09:50

OP l think the crush that you had is at the heart of things. It most likely gave you that frisson of excitement and longing for something exciting and different. And now contact is over but the feelings still remain. It's a tough one as you obviously feel something is missing in your life but are unable to grasp it. I wonder if some counselling might help you unpack things?

Yeah have started counselling, only a few sessions so far but hoping it helps

StillYourFavouriteRegret · 02/05/2024 09:59

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2024 09:33

‘’I'm scared I'll never be properly happy ever again,’’

i get this, I feel the same.
i also feel very sad that I’ll never be in love again.

Edited

❤️❤️

Seaoftroubles · 02/05/2024 10:44

I hope the counselling helps OP. As a pp suggested it would be worth considering that it could also be peri as this can really impact on your mood and cause emotional as well as physical issues.We have oestrogen receptors in our brain as well as elsewhere and l wish l'd realised that earlier.l plan to stay on my hrt forever now!

StillYourFavouriteRegret · 02/05/2024 10:51

Seaoftroubles · 02/05/2024 10:44

I hope the counselling helps OP. As a pp suggested it would be worth considering that it could also be peri as this can really impact on your mood and cause emotional as well as physical issues.We have oestrogen receptors in our brain as well as elsewhere and l wish l'd realised that earlier.l plan to stay on my hrt forever now!

I think that's a very good shout. I'm 46 so probably pretty likely.

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