How on earth do I deal with this?

[MadnessThisWayLies]

Newish partner (months)

I like him very, very much.

We get on really well together, sex is amazing, loving and caring etc etc (I know this sounds contradictory with what I'm about to write, but it IS true)

A couple of times now he has mentioned ladies who struggle with facial hair. He obviously finds it amusing in a not great male kind of way, making jokes about them having more stubble than him.

Obviously I don't find it amusing, and I don't join in because it's a serious and painful problem for women who have this..huge stigma, socially debilitating etc..also very awkward for me because I am one of them and as such I shave my face every day. I have to, because I have stubble if I don't.

I don't think he has noticed, if he has there has been no hint of it to me (his remarks were in another context)

I'm completely torn by how I feel about all his other qualities, and how I feel about him because of this.

I'm tempted to endure the shame of telling him that I am one of the people he finds funny, and letting the chips fall where they may, even though I would feel humiliated by it, and would possibly lose him.

If it wasn't for this I do think we have the potential to have a long lasting loving relationship in every other way.

What do I do? Is it as bad as I think it is? Or am I overreacting?

For extra context I'm over 50, (so is he) I think unlikely (me) to form another relationship, have endured the death of an adored husband at a young age, and reluctant to let a man who is good in every other way so far go.

Please be honest, but gentle. Thank you.

Honestly, he's not a nice man. What kind of person ridicules women in that way? A misogynist, that's who.

He's not the last man you'll have in your life, OP, don't be dramatic.

I think he has noticed and is being deliberately nasty tbh.

Yeah it's a bit of an odd thing for him to bring up randomly multiple times otherwise

I didn't want to say that but I think it's true. If you shave then your skin can look good but stubble can be felt very quickly. I think he's shaming you.

I agree, or he thinks he’s somehow hinting for you to admit it.
Its not a conversation I’ve had with anyone, let alone regularly. For him to do this regularly I think he’s poking fun at you OP. I’m so sorry.

“Don't be dramatic “ seems unhelpful.

I guess Id want to approach this from a position of curiosity. Listen to him: is this the only red flag or sign of cruel contempt for others?

If it is then you should feel safe enough in the relationship to be direct “It makes me uncomfortable that you are so harsh towards women for having bidies and bodily imperfections. What else should women hide from men? Can you burp but not women? Can you fart but not women? Can you age but not women? Because I have news for you—hold on to your hat! We do/can/will without your approval or disapproval.”

If you don’t feel safe enough for that then you don’t feel safe enough at all.

I think this sounds like a very odd thing for any man to make light of - or even comment on TBH. Thefore I'm sorry OP i think he has noticed that you have facial hair. The fact he is now making light of it when its obviously something you are very self conscious of is telling you a lot about his behaviour in general.
I would absolutely call him out on it. Tell him his jokes are inappropriate - tell him how you feel about your own facial hair and how you deal with it (ie shaving) He needs to apologise in my opinion and he needs to know he's hurt your feelings.
What you do next depends how much you like him - and how he reacts to you calling him out. personally i don't think his behaviour is attractive at all.

Your new bloke is a …

Thank you for the honest responses.

Well he seems very immature if he’s making crude “jokes” about female facial hair. I think you should tell him how you feel about it and that it doesn’t wash with you. See how he reacts, and tell him it must be hard being perfect 🙄

Thanks.

Honestly he doesn’t sound nice 💐

He sounds like an absolute idiot - why would you settle for that?

I have to agree with PP I think he’s noticed and he’s poking you to get a reaction. I’m in my 50’s and I can honestly say it’s not something that’s ever come up in any conversation I’ve ever had

I I don’t think he’s a nice guy. I think he sounds a rude immature spiteful misogynistic wanker

Not sure how you're managing to see past the massive sign flashing "I'm a massive twat" to see his other supposedly good points.

People who take the piss out of other people's appearance aren't good people, they're dicks.

He's an idiot

Nobody is all good, or all bad, but I agree that it's deeply unpleasant behaviour. Thank you.

Can I ask what his past relationship history is?

A few serious relationships, 1 marriage which ended in bereavement.

I wouldn't assume that he has noticed. It doesn't sound like he has.

I like your idea of telling him casually@ and seeing how the chips fall. It could be a really excellent test of him/your relationship.

I would worry about this being a wider pattern of misogyny though so would be on high alert about that.

I suffered with a facial hair problem from puberty through quite a bit of my younger life. It was due to hormone imbalance and things vastly improved with pregnancy and isn't a problem really at all now. But it really, really made me self conscious. I spent a fortune on electrolysis and other methods but never shaved.
So I can really sympathise with you OP.
Like other pp I totally agree that your partner knows you have a problem and is being a bastard. If any partner of mine had said such stuff I wouldn't have given him the time of day.

I’d say he knows and is being spiteful. He sounds like an immature bellend x

Thanks for replying. Appreciated.

It's negging
Dump

I'm curious at the context in which he comments about a woman's facial hair? I've literally never had a conversation about women's facial hair with anyone, especially not my DP. I just can't imagine how this would come up in conversation!