How on earth do I deal with this?

[MadnessThisWayLies]

Newish partner (months)

I like him very, very much.

We get on really well together, sex is amazing, loving and caring etc etc (I know this sounds contradictory with what I'm about to write, but it IS true)

A couple of times now he has mentioned ladies who struggle with facial hair. He obviously finds it amusing in a not great male kind of way, making jokes about them having more stubble than him.

Obviously I don't find it amusing, and I don't join in because it's a serious and painful problem for women who have this..huge stigma, socially debilitating etc..also very awkward for me because I am one of them and as such I shave my face every day. I have to, because I have stubble if I don't.

I don't think he has noticed, if he has there has been no hint of it to me (his remarks were in another context)

I'm completely torn by how I feel about all his other qualities, and how I feel about him because of this.

I'm tempted to endure the shame of telling him that I am one of the people he finds funny, and letting the chips fall where they may, even though I would feel humiliated by it, and would possibly lose him.

If it wasn't for this I do think we have the potential to have a long lasting loving relationship in every other way.

What do I do? Is it as bad as I think it is? Or am I overreacting?

For extra context I'm over 50, (so is he) I think unlikely (me) to form another relationship, have endured the death of an adored husband at a young age, and reluctant to let a man who is good in every other way so far go.

Please be honest, but gentle. Thank you.

It’s not very nice, but it’s a big assumption to make that he’s knows it’s a problem for you and is having a dig, sounds more like it’s immature humour making fun behind people’s back thinking it makes him sound funny. It’s not nice or funny but hopefully not nasty. Only way you will really know is just to tell him one day that you shave. If he ridicules or is unkind about it, then at least you know not to waste any more time on him, but equallh you never know, he may just take it in his stride and it be a non issue. But speculating isn’t going to get you the truth, you have to suck it up and speak to him and put it to bed.

Yes, and I will.

Good Luck, hope it works out for you :) and if he’s an arse, throw him back and see how gets on finding a partner who is perfect and doesn’t have a bit of face fuzz especially after a certain age, he’s going to be in for a shock!

I'm tempted to endure the shame of telling him

I agree with others who have said this is a red flag. This is exactly how my ex behaved. He would somehow manipulate me into sharing personal things with him, sometimes appear to be understanding, but always later use those things against me, to hurt me, to make me feel shame, to show how disgusted he was with me (even if those personal things were not my own doing).

Please be very careful what you share with him @MadnessThisWayLies . It's none of his business if you shave. At best he's an arsehole who finds facial hair funny, at worst he's goading you to giving up more of yourself than you normally would. He neither needs nor deserves to know.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Never settle for someone because you think he is your only hope of a relationship
You are clearly better than that and deserve the full package of joy

If he is a decent guy you can have this awkward chat ( he should feel very ashamed of himself ) and move past it

This is s a test, of your relationship and self esteem, hope it works out positively for you

He's not a nice man OP. Nice men don't make such nasty, misogynistic comments. I agree with other posters, he knows about your facial hair and is getting unkind digs in. I've known some pretty horrible misogynistists over the years but facial hair has never once been the source of their "humour" unless they happened to have just encountered someone with it. It's too odd and random a thing for it not to be personal. Ditch him, you don't need this.

I would come right out and tell him OP. That you are one of 'those' women! And see how he responds. I know you like him a lot and that's holding you back, but honestly I think it's better to find out now whether he's right for you or not.

OP. I'm 53. I'm racking my brains for even one single time that I've had a discussion about female facial hair with adults - male or female - and can't think of one. My cousin was laughing about his single corkscrew eyebrow hair recently. Friends and I have laughed about the corkscrew nature of grey hairs. I do have a rather long nose hair that will turn into a horn if I don't remove it ... but facial hair...? Nope. Nothing.

What a bizarre thing to keep bringing up...

FWIW, my DS did comment once on his female school teacher's facial hair, but he was 7 at the time, and curious. He's long moved on.

IMO it doesn't matter what the thing is that he's mocking and whether it's personally applicable to you. Thinking it's funny to mock people for physical traits, regardless of what they are, shows a lack of emotional maturity and inherent nastiness. If he can do this with female facial hair, why not stretch marks, body shape, skin conditions, disabilities etc etc etc etc. He may well not restrict his nasty attitude to women either, depending on whether the root cause is that he's specifically a misogynistic ass or just an ass in general. Either way though he is an ass.

Thanks. It's heavy on my heart.