How on earth do I deal with this?

[MadnessThisWayLies]

Newish partner (months)

I like him very, very much.

We get on really well together, sex is amazing, loving and caring etc etc (I know this sounds contradictory with what I'm about to write, but it IS true)

A couple of times now he has mentioned ladies who struggle with facial hair. He obviously finds it amusing in a not great male kind of way, making jokes about them having more stubble than him.

Obviously I don't find it amusing, and I don't join in because it's a serious and painful problem for women who have this..huge stigma, socially debilitating etc..also very awkward for me because I am one of them and as such I shave my face every day. I have to, because I have stubble if I don't.

I don't think he has noticed, if he has there has been no hint of it to me (his remarks were in another context)

I'm completely torn by how I feel about all his other qualities, and how I feel about him because of this.

I'm tempted to endure the shame of telling him that I am one of the people he finds funny, and letting the chips fall where they may, even though I would feel humiliated by it, and would possibly lose him.

If it wasn't for this I do think we have the potential to have a long lasting loving relationship in every other way.

What do I do? Is it as bad as I think it is? Or am I overreacting?

For extra context I'm over 50, (so is he) I think unlikely (me) to form another relationship, have endured the death of an adored husband at a young age, and reluctant to let a man who is good in every other way so far go.

Please be honest, but gentle. Thank you.

First time was in a conversation about OLD, the next time was a conversation about a personal encounter.

I think you tell him in person and watch his reply very carefully. It sounds as though he was mocking those other people, which is not a nice quality. Are you sure your bar is high enough?

Yuk. He's not a 13yr old boy. You deserve better.

It could simply be that he's a bit immature, found something funny, got stuck on a loop and now keeps blurting it out. It happens.

If he indeed is a nice, sane bloke who's just got a motormouth, then bring it up. Tell him you've been thinking about his comments and this is something you feel quite sensitive about. His reaction will give you a proper insight into who he really is!

If he's mortified and apologetic, then chances are that he was just being an idiot. If he laughs at you, minimises his behaviour or something other than being mortified, that too is your answer.

Reactions are priceless things!

It does seem a strange subject to talk about randomly, more than once. I can't recall any man I have known ever mentioning it.
I'm with the others I'm afraid, I think he knows.
You need a serious conversation with him about why he keeps bringing it up

I honestly couldn't get too mortally wounded over this. If the rest of the relationship is so good it this really worth throwing it all away over? Is it really that difficult to just say that you find it upsetting and would prefer he didn't say it?

Thank you.

Be careful. You say he is a newish partner so you don't know him yet. He could be a narcissist - they tend to love bomb, and then devalue. It can take years to discover that a partner is secretly tearing you down.

Or perhaps he is just immature and childish. Just beware.

I have a big group of male friends from university in their 50s would be saying this kind of thing and thinking they are hilarious. Telling him to knock it off because it is offensive and immature will tell you everything you need to know about his motivations. I am not sure if he has noticed your facial hair, or if it is just a subliminal thing. But you need to tell him to stop and why. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I have a nice boyfriend who occasionally says things I find unpleasant. I just say ‘I don’t like these comments, I think they’re really disrespectful/ misogynistic/ etc’ He generally just stops!

you should have said the first time, but still you can’t just drop it into conversation and hopefully his reacts tells you what to do next

This! My guess is he’s probably just being immature and will be appropriately mortified, but you’ll just need to find out. I don’t agree with PPs’ assumption that he’s noticed and is taking the piss .

I did straight away think that he must surely know, because it is a strange thing to have cropped up more than once.

But, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Then next time he makes a comment I would reply along the lines of "Have you really not noticed that I am one of those women?"

You cannot, and shouldn't have to, hide it forever. So don't waste time thinking about something that can be very easily dealt with, so that you can move on one way or another.

I have only, in a long life, had conversations about facial hair with other women, and in the context of removal. And very few of them.

He's a nasty piece of work OP. Either he's noticed and is deliberately saying this to hurt you/reduce your self esteem, or he's a misogynist weirdo who's obsessed about a niche aspect of older women's appearance. Take your pick. But neither is good news.

I have heard men (and women) both mention it and joke about it.
We have a work colleague with thick, upper lip hair and long chin hairs. She removes it perhaps twice a year- so it’s very obvious. We’ve another with very thick, dark arm hair.

Only you know how obvious your hair/regrowth is and whether it’s obvious you shave and if he has noticed it and is mentioning it constantly as a result.

Perhaps he had an encounter and it gave him the ick/is a running joke.

Only you can make the decision to either tell him, or accept his ‘jokes’.
If it’s constant, it’s a bit weird he brings up an ex repeatedly.

Lol, I've been plucking more and more from my chin for longer than 10 years - early 50's - and I'm blond. Not shaved ever yet, but I know lots of women I work with a decade or so younger than I do.
I'm wondering if this immature chalmer has any baldness/hair thinning going on? - cue some made up, derogatory comments about men who are thinning on top. Or if that doesn't work, just a general moany comment about men over 50 seeming less rigid than below 50 - of course you don't mean him 😉

Thanks everyone.

I think @Opentooffers has got the right idea. You could say something along the lines of women don’t choose to have facial hair - it’s about the last thing any would want and it’s likely down to a hormone imbalance or the aging process - none of which can be helped. Then say it would be a bit like laughing at a man who was losing his hair, putting on a load of weight, (whatever his physical imperfection is) - a bit shitty.

On a personal note OP I would stop shaving your facial hair and instead opt for waxing or electrolysis or other hair removers that dissolve/remove the whole hairs as shaving is extremely high maintenance and you’d need to keep on top of it throughout the day as regrowth is so annoyingly fast. Imagine if you were out and didn’t have a razor with you or away and hadn’t packed one - the anxiety and panic! It’s not ideal bc of the pain factor but is something the more you do you get used to and you may find the hairs grow back less thickly - certainly less coarsely and you would have longer periods between maintenance.

Sorry you are in this predicament. People who make personal derogatory remarks about others aren’t very nice and would probably take great offence at others laughing at them. Mocking people for traits they have no choice in and are likely very sensitive and self conscious about is cruel.

edited for typos

Ah no, this makes me sad. I'm afraid I agree with those saying that he's doing it for a dig. I has this exact situation with an ex, he even got his lodger in on it and comments would be dropped into conversation. I can't remember the full context but on one occasion the ex worked, ' not by the hair on my chinny chin chin' into the conversation. The lodger eventually just spoke to me straight, lovely chap. My ex is a cunt though.

This is a red flag. 🚩
I’m sorry. He’s on his best behavior now, if it has only been months, not years; his mean little jokes are not a good sign of his true nature.

this is how things started with my abusive ex. How wonderful he was in the first few months, and even over a year! But the little derogatory things, the mean, petty, college boy-type things like this would come out every now and then.

I brushed it off and ignored it. Don’t do that. I’m glad you’re paying attention.

Yep, he's 100% shaming you personally.
Never in my life have I heard a comment from any dude ever about women who need to shave 🤨
What a nasty piece of work he is.
Expect more of the same if you stay.

Thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about, and I am.

At best he is an immature buffoon. At worst he is doing it intentionally. Don't let him grind your self esteem down with it. Either discuss it with him or bin him off. If you're having sex with him, you should be able to have a difficult conversation with him.

Thanks.