Sanity check - AIBU to expect husband to work even though we have enough income

[Rollingpinspoon]

Need a gentle sanity check that I'm right to stand my ground and insist on my husband working part time.

I've always been the breadwinner and earned roughly 2.5-3x what my husband does. I don't mind this and we pool our money. No kids.

Until last year we were working overseas on my visa. We quit our jobs and went travelling for six months, using our savings for income in that time. We returned to the UK in January with roughly 3 months money left til flat broke. No house, no car, have started from scratch and had bits of help from my family (unwanted furniture etc).

I was lucky and got a job within about 3 weeks of coming home to due an old colleague reaching out. I make 3x what my husband will make when he finds a job in his field. Before the job came through I was about to start applying for casual work and was looking at retraining as a teacher as a backup plan if things really went wrong.

We now have really good money coming in from my job and because it came through quickly we didn't completely spend all the savings. I am enjoying the work too although there is some stress, pressure and tedium involved.

He wants to hold out for a job in his field (graphic design). He is applying and gets interviews but it's a competitive industry and could take months. I don't like how the job hunt could go on indefinitely, and want us to replenish savings quickly ready for big stuff coming later this year i.e. hopefully selling a property I own and buying a house together.

I want him to get part time casual work while he looks for a "proper" job. In our area that means Wetherspoons, assembly lines, care work, maybe supermarket. I don't like the idea of him having to do physically hard work, but I think part time won't kill him. I also think getting out of the house and meeting new people would be healthier for him.

He feels it's unfair that I want him to do those kinds of jobs when we aren't broke. He wants to be 100% focused on applying for jobs and maybe doing training and bootcamps for technical skills.

I feel that would be sponging off me and am disappointed I've even had to ask. After 3 months of unemployment I think the train and bootcamps need to happen in his own time i.e. evenings and weekends. 3 days a week would cover our rent which would be a massive deal in my mind. I'm just looking for a financial contribution and help with building our safety net back up.

He does do the majority of the shopping, laundry and cleaning etc round the house currently while I'm working. Generally our relationship is great.

AIBU?

If he is actively looking for and applying for jobs in his field, then I wouldn’t expect him to look for part time work. If the roles were reversed and we were talking about the wife not working temporarily, nobody would see it as an issue or as her sponging. He seems to do most of the household tasks. You have a good job which covers everything. I would maybe set a 6 month deadline and then revisit it.

I would find that a massive turnoff in a partner, male or female.

He should work and contribute to the household financially given there are no caring responsibilities.

Give you’ve considered training to be a teacher as a back-up plan, I’m guessing you’re not on a massive salary currently. I could almost understand his POV of you were earning massive amounts, but when you’re speaking about needing to pay rent, he needs to be an adult and start earning.

One thing that jumped out from your post was the fact that you had previously been working abroad on your visa.

I think a dynamic that can develop in couples is that decisions are made that prioritise the higher earner's career- eg moving abroad- and the lower earner just has to fit in as well as they can. In that situation, I think it's reasonable for the lower earner to also think about their own situation- their career isn't lesser just because they earn less- and that might mean, for example, taking decisions with a long term focus rather than maximising income in the short term.

The tone of your post is a bit that he should fit in with you and do as you say because you earn more, which I'm sure is not what you intended. It might be worth talking this stuff through together rather than trying to tell him what to do (I'm assuming here he's being genuine about his plans, not just being lazy.)

How much do you earn and where do you live, north, south, London etc

As a Graphic Designer with no contacts or recent Uk experience its going to be difficult for him to get a job so he does need a plan B.
I dont need to work financially but I enjoy it and prefer to contribute in terms of money so I do.
I think he needs a deadline

I’d encourage him to find a job in his area rather than do menial work when you don’t need the money.

I think finding voluntary work in his area of work would be better on his CV than finding a random supermarket job, when you don’t really need the money.

You say he was abroad due to your working visa. It’s unreasonable to expect him to drop his life to move abroad for your work, then move back to the UK and expect him to walk straight back into a job.

I think you need to be more understanding and give him more time. Sounds like he’s given up lots to follow you abroad.

I tend to agree with him. But I’d put an end time on it. If he hasn’t got a job in his field by x date, then he needs to think again. If he’s getting interviews, that’s a good sign.

I think you need to phrase the conversation around “I don’t want to feel like your sugar mummy” and “I don’t want to feel like I’m only good for manual labour when I’m qualified to do what interests me”.

I think that Co versatile will naturally lead you to a compromise: a long-stop date of say, 6 months, by which time if he hasn’t found a job with some decent income, you’ll have to rethink you funding the both of you/him sponging off you.

Right now he’s not incentivised to really try hard. Which is fine, you’re in a happy relationship. But there are limits.

I think it's unfair of you to take a teacher training spot from someone who is committed to it. It sounds like he supported you with your career, it's your turn to support him. This is the marriage energy and vibe you went for when you chose a man like him who could/would drop his career, accept to work part time and happy to let your career lead. To expect a man who is happy to be in the stereotypically feminine role of domesticity/househusband and part time creative work while you are the breadwinner (typically male role) you can't now turn around and resent it. If you had a man who had pride in working which is what I'm getting from your post, if you wanted a man who was always itching to earn his own money who cared about those values he wouldn't be with a woman like you who has a fancy career and earns triple as much.

Maybe you feel now you want a different kind of energy where the guy is as or more successful. It's ok, people change. But is it your husband's fault? no, that's probably what attracted you to each other that you both up for unconventional marriage dynamic. Are you unreasonable to change the plan now? Yes, because you've changed the goal post now. You chose a househusband with a laid back career, this is what you get.

Can't he set up a graphic design service on his own rather than waiting for someone to give him a job? I've never understood people with no initative, but I suppose as you're covering all the bills there's no necessity for him to put much effort in. I don't need to work but I choose to, part time, because it does me good, mentally and physically. I also volunteer for 2 different charities, and I'm in my 60s. What does he do with his time?

I would be very wary about buying property with a man who has no work ethic.

What are you on about @Rearised? He was working before not a “house husband”. Plus OP didn’t end up doing the teacher training either.

Great in theory but I know quite a lot of freelance graphic designers who are really struggling at the moment and they have decent networks here

He'd be better to crack on with retraining right now.

Not at all unreasonable to expect him to pick up some part time work. He could do uber, amazon, whatever, and still easily do training and networking.

😂are you saying it sounds like she's gonna leave him?

No I wouldn't like this behaviour from a man.

If you have kids that need looking after then it's different.

He should get any interim job for all the good reasons you said - for his own sake as much as yours.

Graphic design is one of the jobs most impacted by AI. Companies are fast realising they can replace humans with DALL-E, Midjourney etc. Hopefully there will be still be a demand for humans in the loop here, but just saying jobs are decreasing and your DH could be waiting a long time!

I guess we both can't read paragraphs! 😂

Can he do freelance graphic design work? Working in Wetherspoons or a supermarket is going to be hard physical work, don't underestimate how tiring it will be. And the money is crap.

Ha ha - no. More that graphic design is an AI-affected role and he has the time right now to consider his options.

Unless he is literally spending 8 hours a day looking for a job (which I very much doubt) then he needs to get part time work and contribute.

So he's living the life of Riley taking his sweet time to find a job he fancies doing and that's not beneath him.

What would he do if he didn't have the OP to support him?

He can do easily job applications and work part time.

You need to nip this in the bud OP as this man is not pulling his weight. If that means divorce then so be it.

I don't think you should dismiss his points re updating his technical skills when he has taken time out to follow your career. He probably needs to put some real work into applying, networking, putting himself out there for freelance contracts in the interim (even through the market is overcrowded) and training. Maybe have a conversation about what courses and a timeframe, plus a possible part time work slot. Then when you would like him to be definitely contributing. I would say don't spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar, in terms of time. Just make a plan together to get him back working in his field.

No i wouldn't make my partner do this unless you are worried that he's not genuine in looking for a career job?