Sanity check - AIBU to expect husband to work even though we have enough income

[Rollingpinspoon]

Need a gentle sanity check that I'm right to stand my ground and insist on my husband working part time.

I've always been the breadwinner and earned roughly 2.5-3x what my husband does. I don't mind this and we pool our money. No kids.

Until last year we were working overseas on my visa. We quit our jobs and went travelling for six months, using our savings for income in that time. We returned to the UK in January with roughly 3 months money left til flat broke. No house, no car, have started from scratch and had bits of help from my family (unwanted furniture etc).

I was lucky and got a job within about 3 weeks of coming home to due an old colleague reaching out. I make 3x what my husband will make when he finds a job in his field. Before the job came through I was about to start applying for casual work and was looking at retraining as a teacher as a backup plan if things really went wrong.

We now have really good money coming in from my job and because it came through quickly we didn't completely spend all the savings. I am enjoying the work too although there is some stress, pressure and tedium involved.

He wants to hold out for a job in his field (graphic design). He is applying and gets interviews but it's a competitive industry and could take months. I don't like how the job hunt could go on indefinitely, and want us to replenish savings quickly ready for big stuff coming later this year i.e. hopefully selling a property I own and buying a house together.

I want him to get part time casual work while he looks for a "proper" job. In our area that means Wetherspoons, assembly lines, care work, maybe supermarket. I don't like the idea of him having to do physically hard work, but I think part time won't kill him. I also think getting out of the house and meeting new people would be healthier for him.

He feels it's unfair that I want him to do those kinds of jobs when we aren't broke. He wants to be 100% focused on applying for jobs and maybe doing training and bootcamps for technical skills.

I feel that would be sponging off me and am disappointed I've even had to ask. After 3 months of unemployment I think the train and bootcamps need to happen in his own time i.e. evenings and weekends. 3 days a week would cover our rent which would be a massive deal in my mind. I'm just looking for a financial contribution and help with building our safety net back up.

He does do the majority of the shopping, laundry and cleaning etc round the house currently while I'm working. Generally our relationship is great.

AIBU?

Many job applications and preparation for interviews can easily be many hours’ work.

I think that given he was flexible to allow you to follow your career, that you should do the same for him.
But you do need to set a timeframe. So it’s been 3 months, I would say to him he has another 3 months and if unsuccessful then it would only be fair for him to either take a part time job or retrain.

It would be different if you had children and him being home helped that. But you don’t, and you need to think about the future - what will happen if you do start a family, how long do you wait for him to feel established again in order to be the provider whilst you’re out of work? You need those savings built up now and he needs a stable income. He also needs to think about his pension pot.

If your husband has put his career on the back-burner to move abroad and bolster your career, then I think you should allow him some time to do training courses and interview for relevant posts as it seems that you aren't struggling for money. Your posts makes it sound as if he is doing the heavy lifting at home, which seems fair.

As @Fuckstix said, I do think you would be reasonable to discuss a time frame on the training and job search with him, as I know from personal experience that being the unexpected sole earner is very stressful. I am not in this field and can't suggest what a reasonable time frame would look like.

In your shoes I would hold off on the house plan if you are concerned that you will need to fund the move and allow more time to accrue a decent savings pot.

I tend to take a long view of things - there will be days/weeks/months/years where I will “carry” more than DH and other times when he will “carry” more than me, be it financially, emotionally or otherwise.
In your situation he should be certainly be doing all cleaning, laundry, cooking, life admin etc, as well as applying for work in his field. If all that is being done I wouldn’t have an issue with him not working outside the home if he were my DH.

Not sure why everyone is assuming he was dragged abroad to follow OP career. It could have been a move they both wanted, but OPs job made possible?

Either way, I think it's fair OP that you expect him to contribute & help build back up savings you both spent.

This is a fair point (both the prioritisation and the short Vs long term thinking). It's maybe an unconscious bias that I need to guard against.

You make a good point re: his CV and the voluntary work idea. He was made redundant a few months before we moved overseas so on paper didn't give up too much, but there have definitely been periods of difficulty and uncertainty after moving that would have had an impact on his career. Thanks for your POV.

This is normally how I feel too, so I need to think about what has thrown off my sense of balance and fairness.

Life admin is a stubborn one that keeps coming back to me, I do need to proactively share more of the load on that. But you're right, he's generally pulling his weight in running our household at the moment.

Genuine thanks to everyone for their comments.

It does sound like I'm being a bit short term in my thinking and there's a chance that I'm treating his career as less valuable because it brings in a lower salary than mine.

I can also see the issue of a partner not working is divisive too, with some people having strong negative reactions to it. I do find it reassuring that I'm not alone in that.

The idea of a deadline has come up a few times and I think it's a good one, it will help us both feel that he's been given a fair shot. Ditto the voluntary work and more training. These ideas have given me a way to break the deadlock for now. We live to fight another day ;)

Or, because his career went on the back burner when they lived abroad (with him on what sounds like a non working visa) to further the OPs career, it’s taking longer to find a role in his field. If he sacrificed his career to enable the OPs to progress it’s only reasonable to expect it to take longer for him to find a role. If this was the other way round you would have posted very differently I’m sure.

We worked and lived abroad for 3 two or three year spells early-ish in my career, and I both appreciated and recognised that sacrifices my late husband made to his career to facilitate mine. I can’t imagine being so callous as to take your approach in that situation, and would encourage the OP to be patient as well.

OP, you have been impressively open to different ways of thinking about the issue. Hats off to you.

@Teq

given she's earning 3x what he will earn in his job in graphic design (when he gets one) I'd say she's probably on a very good salary, though granted, the 'back up ' teaching is a bit of a curve ball

@THisbackwithavengeance

thats a mean post.

did you consider what he gave up to enable the OP to have taken her job overseas?

@Tryingtokeepgoing

much better worded!

Playing Devil’s advocate, what if he doesn’t secure a graphic design job in the next 3 months? When he applies for jobs and his cv shows he’s not worked for 6 months, will that put potential employers off? People often talk about university leavers and how it’s better to do any job rather than hold out for the perfect job as it looks better on a cv to have been working.

Doesn't seem that much point in him going out and getting a menial/manual job temporarily - he's currently doing the majority of the domestic stuff at home, while you bring in the money. If he went out and got a low paid job, you'd have a bit more money coming in, but then you'd be expected to pickup half the domestic duties. So you'll be making more workload for yourself.

He worked before you dragged him off for you to work abroad, and he's actively seeking skilled work now, so I think you should cut him some slack and give some breathing space. Perhaps set a time limit (say 4-6 months) before revisiting the issue, and hopefully he'll have got some proper work by then.

Also, it seems a bit degrading to call yourself the breadwinner when historically you've both worked. Sure you earn quite a lot more by the sound of it, but it's not like you were keeping him (until recently).

I would be very wary of buying property with a low-work-ethic partner. You might want to get some legal advice about protecting that one you own. He sounds only too happy to spend your money.

As far as i’m aware, a 6 month gap isn’t something recruiters get alarmed about. If you start getting into a year, then maybe. It’s perfectly common for example for someone to take a break for a few months after being made redundant.

I used to work in design, it can take ages to go through the rounds of interviews with briefs you have to work to. A friend of mine has said the job market is really rough ATM and she's a pro at switching jobs so itll take time. I'm not sure splitting his time to find and do menial labour is a good use of energy here.

As long as he's not avoiding finding work and is actually seeking it I'd consider this part of what marriage is - supporting the other person during a rough period. And I'd expect the same in return if you're ever unfortunate enough to lose your job.

Also, it seems a bit degrading to call yourself the breadwinner when historically you've both worked. Sure you earn quite a lot more by the sound of it, but it's not like you were keeping him

I agree with this. Don't get into patterns of thinking of yourself as superior because you earn more. He's in a skilled profession that he knows better than you. Allow him a good faith attempt to get back to it after supporting your work overseas. If he doesn't try within his own timeframe, that's another story.

I think as he's applying for jobs and getting interviews, I would leave it for now. The UK job market isn't brilliant!
Let him do all the housework and lovely home cooked dinners.

Graphic design is taking a hit due to AI. Better to pivot.

If the roles were reversed and your DH earned enough to support you for a time, would you be willing to work in McDonald's or in a bakery just for a point of principle? Those are both good jobs if that's what you want to do but it's a very hard shift from corporate/office based work to something which is manual/physical.

If it were me and money wasn't an issue, I'd ask him to contribute to the household in another way, e.g cleaning, washing, whatever needs doing. In any spare time he can be job hunting or getting himself set up self-employed. I use a couple of freelance graphic designers and good ones at non-agency rates are like hen's teeth.

He's supported you by sacrificing his career and earning potential to follow you to where your work is. Now it's your turn to support him by not forcing him to pull pints or wash dishes on principle and give him the time to find a job in his field - which thanks to his moving for your work, is much harder than it would have been.

In your shoes I’d give him a retraining deadline. Maybe another two months to get up to speed. After this I’d expect him to do some voluntary work in a graphic design studio alongside a casual job to cover bills.

after 6 months if he has no luck getting a graphic design job then he should look at other creative roles, art technician, craft based roles, printing, photographer,