Sanity check - AIBU to expect husband to work even though we have enough income

[Rollingpinspoon]

Need a gentle sanity check that I'm right to stand my ground and insist on my husband working part time.

I've always been the breadwinner and earned roughly 2.5-3x what my husband does. I don't mind this and we pool our money. No kids.

Until last year we were working overseas on my visa. We quit our jobs and went travelling for six months, using our savings for income in that time. We returned to the UK in January with roughly 3 months money left til flat broke. No house, no car, have started from scratch and had bits of help from my family (unwanted furniture etc).

I was lucky and got a job within about 3 weeks of coming home to due an old colleague reaching out. I make 3x what my husband will make when he finds a job in his field. Before the job came through I was about to start applying for casual work and was looking at retraining as a teacher as a backup plan if things really went wrong.

We now have really good money coming in from my job and because it came through quickly we didn't completely spend all the savings. I am enjoying the work too although there is some stress, pressure and tedium involved.

He wants to hold out for a job in his field (graphic design). He is applying and gets interviews but it's a competitive industry and could take months. I don't like how the job hunt could go on indefinitely, and want us to replenish savings quickly ready for big stuff coming later this year i.e. hopefully selling a property I own and buying a house together.

I want him to get part time casual work while he looks for a "proper" job. In our area that means Wetherspoons, assembly lines, care work, maybe supermarket. I don't like the idea of him having to do physically hard work, but I think part time won't kill him. I also think getting out of the house and meeting new people would be healthier for him.

He feels it's unfair that I want him to do those kinds of jobs when we aren't broke. He wants to be 100% focused on applying for jobs and maybe doing training and bootcamps for technical skills.

I feel that would be sponging off me and am disappointed I've even had to ask. After 3 months of unemployment I think the train and bootcamps need to happen in his own time i.e. evenings and weekends. 3 days a week would cover our rent which would be a massive deal in my mind. I'm just looking for a financial contribution and help with building our safety net back up.

He does do the majority of the shopping, laundry and cleaning etc round the house currently while I'm working. Generally our relationship is great.

AIBU?

I have learned the hard way about entering into/ being in a relationship where neither party had consciously considered what they expected from each other financially - so no discussions took place until differences arose. I don't think this is uncommon.

For me, my default position is that I am responsible for keeping myself financially afloat, regardless of whether I am single or in a relationship. I think there are many benefits to this, not least to the quality of relationships I have.

The above doesn't determine how money is managed in a relationship. It could be that the cost of living as partners is split 50:50, pro rated, temporarily split 💯 to one partner (upon mutual agreement), but for me, the goal should always be for each party to be able to live within their own means if needs be.

I think, as an adult, being financially dependent on someone else is problematic, regardless of the views of each party. Where it is temporary (e.g stay at home parenting, re-training, short term unemployment), I think it needs careful handling in order to support both parties. It present different but equally challenging issues.

I wouldn't be attracted to someone who was happy for me to foot all the costs of living in a partnership. I wouldn't be attracted to someone who was happy to pay for all the costs of being in a partnership with me (without a clear rationale for this being the case).

OP, it seems like a good time for you and your husband to have a chat about this. You are starting from scratch again, building savings and not yet having bought a property.

I think the idea that all money/income is 'our money' only works when both parties are fully aligned in terms of outlook and expectations about responsibilities for the income.

Perhaps a broader conversation about aiming to buy property when you both can pay the mortgage, or buying within the means a 50:50 split would allow etc. is in order.

Graphic Design isn’t particularly well paid. OP could be trying to support a household of two on £60k which, while doable, isn’t exactly pig’s back territory.

I agree he's needs to do some part time work op. It might be a while before he finds something in his field.

I do think all adults need to contribute financially (unless it's a joint agreement re children etc) My H for example thought that he could 'retire' and live on my salary once the mortgage has been paid off. He was quite put out when I said he had to bring in half the bills (which are obviously smaller once the mortgage has gone). No way am I doing a FT stressful job so he can sit at home!

These are great points. You're right, we do need a rethink on our shared approach to money and to get on the same page before we make the big financial decisions this year.

Thank you so much for sharing this experience, it's good to know that a bit of wishful thinking can sometimes affect more husbands than just mine!