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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out he cheated early days

56 replies

lolorin · 29/04/2024 12:38

I don't know what to do so am really seeking advice.

Background - I'm 27 been with my fiancé who is the same age since December 2021.

We started seeing in May 2021 and made it official in December 2021. Between the May and December I must admit I was unsure what I wanted, I would often tell him that it isn't working and that I didn't want a relationship. We would call it off, a few days later we'd be back speaking again so it was quite turbulent at the start.

We have now been together for 2 and a half years and are so happy. We are engaged and buying our first house and everything seems perfect, he is obsessed with me and I am with him.

The only problem - I have just found out that he slept with someone (he was seeing before me) back in July 2021, he had been going over to her house, calling, texting etc.

We were only 2 months in of knowing eachother at this point, but I feel so hurt finding this out and just feel as though I can't trust him at all now.

What do I do? I don't know if it's worth even bringing it up as it was 3 years ago now, and I was a bit of a bitch to him back then by basically telling him I didn't want to be with him. But I still feel really upset and like an idiot by finding this out.

Please tell me if iabu, or share some advice words of wisdom, or what you would do in this situation?

OP posts:

MiddleagedBeachbum · 29/04/2024 12:40

Were you even exclusive? Had you had the chat by then? And if you did, each time you broke up with him did you clarify anything?

tbh it sounds like you were treating him badly and he was still open to options? I’d move past this but discuss it with him.

Domino20 · 29/04/2024 12:42

Honestly, I think you need to move past it. You'd only known each other for 8 weeks or so, weren't in a committed relationship and were being a (self admitted) bitch. Don't let this ruin the relationship by bringing it up or becoming paranoid.

Watchkeys · 29/04/2024 12:42

I feel so hurt finding this out and just feel as though I can't trust him at all now

What's your question?

Lampzade · 29/04/2024 12:44

Do you think that he should have told you about this indiscretion?

Orangemangogrape · 29/04/2024 12:45

Given that you were offering no commitment and you guys frequently weren't together, it's irrational to think you can't trust him at all. You will have to have an honest conversation about it. If you can't trust him, you can't and you'll have to accept it

Springlysprung · 29/04/2024 12:45

I think you probably need a bit of perspective on things - by your own admission “and I was a bit of a bitch to him back then by basically telling him I didn't want to be with him. “ You told him you didn’t want him - you can’t then be angry finding out some three years later when you weren’t official and weren’t together that he slept with someone.

Olika · 29/04/2024 12:47

You need to let it go. You were in early on/off dating at the time so not in an exclusive relationship.

something2say · 29/04/2024 12:50

Stop and think - you were push pulling, you were probably considering other options. Just as YOU were speaking to other people, so was he - this is how things can sometimes start. It would be nice if we met then bang, but it is rarely that simple.

I have had dalliances with men I wasn't sure about and then met someone. In fact I met someone one year but had only just agreed to split from seeing someone I wasn't really into, only I left my expensive earring in his bedroom and called round to get it, secretly hoping we would go to bed again one last time, which we did, and yet I was speaking to potential new men on tinder.

Forget it. You were saying you didn't want him. Don't let this spoil it. You don't need to give him the ins and outs of your sexual behaviour and who you were texting that summer, and ideally you shouldn't know what he was up to. What matters is everyone's integrity NOW. Remember, other women were not this ideal. You are. So he acted differently with them than he does with you. Don't spoil it.

Original poster

lolorin · 29/04/2024 12:50

Thanks so much everyone, you are all right and I needed to hear this.

I just remember back to during this time of him begging for me and swearing that he wouldn't even look at anybody else but he obviously was.

I had come out of a long term relationship so didn't want anything serious, hence why I kept calling it off.

I don't think I'll bring it up, it seems pointless and what would we gain from it. Since becoming official he has been a great loyal (as far as I'm aware) boyfriend so I suppose I should just focus on that.

OP posts:

Original poster

lolorin · 29/04/2024 12:51

@something2say thank you so much for this comment. You are right if he was interested in them then he wouldn't have committed to me, it's just difficult to hear!

OP posts:

HaggisBurger · 29/04/2024 12:55

How did you find out @lolorin

Original poster

lolorin · 29/04/2024 12:57

@HaggisBurger I'm friends with a friend of the girl, she mentioned it as if I knew and it's definitely true as I've seen messages etc.

I know the actual girl as well and she is lovely, I knew that they were seeing before I met him but thought it was long over by the time I came around!

OP posts:

Rocknrolla21 · 29/04/2024 13:03

lolorin · 29/04/2024 12:50

Thanks so much everyone, you are all right and I needed to hear this.

I just remember back to during this time of him begging for me and swearing that he wouldn't even look at anybody else but he obviously was.

I had come out of a long term relationship so didn't want anything serious, hence why I kept calling it off.

He didn’t owe you anything at this point. If it was the other way round and you on here here telling us that a man you’d just met was treating you like shit, and kept telling you he wasn’t really interested and that he didn’t want to be with you, we’d all be telling you to run for the hills. We certainly wouldn’t be telling you you owe him exclusiveness and all of your loyalty. You’re kind of lucky he stuck around and tolerated your bullshit long enough for you to make your mind up about him.

Original poster

lolorin · 29/04/2024 13:15

@Rocknrolla21 I agree with everything that you have said. Although I didn't treat him like shit, I was always nice and caring towards him about it but looking back I was being a bitch by not being able to make my mind up!

OP posts:

something2say · 29/04/2024 13:21

I follow this relationship guy and he says, 'dont tell your new partner about your exes!! They don't want to picture you with them!'

'Oh yes we had sex, he this, he that.'

I was a bugger for it, thinking it brought closeness, but in reverse I just ended up seeing him with other women, and that is a blow to the current relationship. The guy I follow said to a man, 'ditch her, she's told you too much info, you'll need mind bleach to forget about it.' I wouldn't go that far but you get the gist.

Original poster

lolorin · 29/04/2024 13:39

@something2say that is so true, not something you ever want to picture and even thinking of it sometimes puts me in a bad mood 😂

It's difficult because we live in a close knit area so everybody knows everybody!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/04/2024 17:47

it seems pointless and what would we gain from it

The self respect of feeling free in your relationship to state your feelings?

Original poster

lolorin · 29/04/2024 18:54

@Watchkeys yes but for what? To create an atmosphere because of something that I have found out, before we were officially together. I don't think it's worth me bringing it up for him to say it was when I 'didn't want to be with him'.

I know exactly how the conversation will go without even needing to ask

OP posts:

SheSellsSea · 29/04/2024 21:16

Interesting. I think I’d take it as evidence he needs to be loved fully and a lot and with commitment. You say now he’s fully got you he’s very happy. I think we can see he needs a lot of love. I deffo wouldn’t dump him, I reckon he is trustworthy if his relationship needs are met.

Watchkeys · 29/04/2024 21:58

lolorin · 29/04/2024 18:54

I know exactly how the conversation will go without even needing to ask

So you know already that he's going to dismiss your feelings?

What would it feel like if he said to you 'God, yes, I can understand how you'd feel bad about this. What can I do to help you feel better about it?'

Dery · 29/04/2024 22:10

Based on how you have described that period, I wouldn’t describe what he did was cheating.

You say yourself that you weren’t official and you kept picking him up and dropping him. So your headline is misleading.

I don’t think it means you can’t trust him now. It seems to be a consequence of how you were treating him then - he hung in there, nonetheless, when another man might have walked away altogether.

But feelings aren’t all based on rationality and it’s natural that you should feel a bit odd about it, even though many would think (and I think) he did nothing wrong. So could you approach the conversation by saying that, while you don’t blame him for doing this, you would appreciate his support in processing your feelings about this?

Watchkeys · 30/04/2024 08:44

But feelings aren’t all based on rationality and it’s natural that you should feel a bit odd about it, even though many would think (and I think) he did nothing wrong

Yes, exactly. He's supposed to care about your feelings, not about whether he 'got it right'. And so are you. There isn't an overarching body to tell us what's right or wrong. Maybe you weren't in a relationship but he'd said to you 'I feel like I could never be interested in anybody else' then went and slept with her. Maybe you'd just said to him 'I'm still sleeping with other people, myself', and then he went and slept with her. It's not a black and white thing, relationships are very nuanced. Nobody on a forum is going to be able to tell you what 'should' have happened.

You have to deal with what's happening today, and that's your feelings bothering you enough that you need to talk to someone about your relationship, and you don't feel comfortable to talk to your partner himself. It wouldn't really matter what the original issue was; not being able to tell your partner how you feel, with confidence that they will accept it and be decent about it, is the relationship problem now, rather than something he did years ago.

ViciousCurrentBun · 30/04/2024 08:52

If you were not really exclusive then this means in theory either of you could see other people.

If I had a prospective person who couldn’t make their mind up and had said what you did I honestly couldn’t have been doing with it and would assume we were most definitely not dating.

The actual issue here is the fact you do not feel you can talk about it with him. If you can’t communicate then your marriage is over before it has started. You need to speak to him because rational or not it’s on your mind.

Original poster

lolorin · 30/04/2024 09:14

Thanks all, and to start can I just say I agree that the title of this is misleading. He definitely didn't cheat as we weren't actually together, I realised that after I had made the thread that I should have worded it differently.

I remember him not replying for a night etc and telling me the next day he was asleep, when he was obviously with her it just doesn't sit right with me. Don't get me wrong, at the time I really didn't care where he was or what he was doing but finding out now just hurts a bit.

It's not as if I feel like I can't speak to him about it, I just don't really want to if that makes sense? I know that he will think he did nothing wrong, and I don't know if I want to create an atmosphere and bring up the past when it was a very long time ago. Another reason is that I don't really want him knowing how I found out

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 30/04/2024 09:36

I know that he will think he did nothing wrong

Although he lied to you and you know that? What's going on here? Do you think that that lie he told was the right thing for him to do? You're ok that he lied to you?

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