Found out he cheated early days

[lolorin]

I don't know what to do so am really seeking advice.

Background - I'm 27 been with my fiancé who is the same age since December 2021.

We started seeing in May 2021 and made it official in December 2021. Between the May and December I must admit I was unsure what I wanted, I would often tell him that it isn't working and that I didn't want a relationship. We would call it off, a few days later we'd be back speaking again so it was quite turbulent at the start.

We have now been together for 2 and a half years and are so happy. We are engaged and buying our first house and everything seems perfect, he is obsessed with me and I am with him.

The only problem - I have just found out that he slept with someone (he was seeing before me) back in July 2021, he had been going over to her house, calling, texting etc.

We were only 2 months in of knowing eachother at this point, but I feel so hurt finding this out and just feel as though I can't trust him at all now.

What do I do? I don't know if it's worth even bringing it up as it was 3 years ago now, and I was a bit of a bitch to him back then by basically telling him I didn't want to be with him. But I still feel really upset and like an idiot by finding this out.

Please tell me if iabu, or share some advice words of wisdom, or what you would do in this situation?

Suspected for years something had happened with my DH and his mates girlfriend. We weren't married then, only been together about six weeks and were on our late teens . After she had died he finally admitted something had happened but said he didn't want to tell me when she was alive as he knew I would say something to her and as we had all moved on and were married with kids he didn't see the point in rocking the boat . To be honest it was a relief knowing I wasn't being paranoid and it also amused me as she looked down her noses at us and was quite stuck up . Her husband was the same but I always have a little chuckle when I see him out and about . Of course I will never let on , he wouldn't believe me anyway . My husband says he was 19 horny and all sense went out of the window . Put this behind you O/P . It was early days in your relationship.

@Watchkeys no of course not. But I also did similar during that time frame which I never told him about either.

Although, I was telling him that I didn't want to be together and I was never telling him that I wouldn't go with anyone else etc.

Maybe I am being a bit of a hypocrite 😬

Maybe I am being a bit of a hypocrite

Do you think you're only supposed to have feelings if they're 'fair'?

@DitzyDoughnutt thank you for sharing, it shows that your gut feeling is often right and it must have been somewhat a relief to know that you weren't going crazy! How did you react to him admitting it after all that time?

Yes I'm trying to tell myself that, and he was only 23 at the time which is quite young so I'm trying not to get too worked up. It's been playing on my mind since finding out and I just feel awful, I keep questioning everything wondering has he done anything else since but that's probably my mind torturing me!!

I’m not sure why @Watchkeys is stirring. you are being a complete hypocrite OP but i think you know it!

Of course that doesn't mean you can't feel the way you do but the wider context is important to consider when deciding what to do with those feelings and how to react. I know if I was your partner I probably wouldn't take kindly to this being brought up and I'd point out the hypocrisy. A partner doesn’t have to reassure and be nice about all their partner’s feelings if they feel they’re unfair or irrational.

It was a relief when he told me but I was a lot older , and more mature . The younger me would have lashed out , the older me would have cleverly tormented her , letting her know that I knew in a subtle way .

What happened is that he went to her house to give her some money for some concert tickets and they ended up having a full on grope and a snog . They had done this before at six form parties before she met my husband's mate . I think she knew he had a thing for her and I think when he got with me she was jealous and that's how they ended up groping when he went to her house . Forward a week later when we all met up in the pub and she offered to to buy us both a drink and wouldn't meet my eye and was very very sheepish all night . Something wasn't right but obviously I knew nothing about what had gone on so I didn't really put two and two together. Eventually as we all settled down we all drifted apart but I always knew he had a flame for her and it was during a discussion many years later about sex and six form parties that i casually said it would not surprise me if you and X had been at it when she was going out with your mate. I could see straight away by the expression on his face I had hit the nail on the head . He denied it but my gut feeling was telling me I was right . Many years later not long after she had died was when he confessed but he tried to say it was just before he met me but the internet doesn't lie and I was able to look up the bands past gigs on the internet and the dates fitted .

YABU. I suspect that many many many many relationships have this odd little bit of overlap in the very early days before it's properly exclusive, when it's all a bit grey. But if you look back at it once you're fully in the relationship, it feels like cheating, but of course it wasn't. DH and I met at a wedding, went on a brilliant first date and he then went on a long-planned holiday for almost a month. We were in touch during that time but obviously fairly lightly as we'd only been on one date. I am almost positive he had a little fling with someone while he was there but I've taken a "Don't ask, don't tell" approach.

I think you need to let this one go. If it's really bothering you, you may well have to speak to him abot it, but I don't see how that helps. He feels attacked for something he knows wasn't a big deal based on where your relationship was at the time.

Thank you everybody I really appreciate the advice, and I know that i am definitely being unreasonable so I don't mind hearing it at all lol!

I completely agree with the fact that it feels like cheating now but where we were I know that it was not, I had only known him for 2 months when this was happening and like I say I was breaking things off every other weekend. I think he was running back to her when I didn't want him type of thing.

The annoying thing is that I remember us having a blowout during this time when one of my friends saw him out with another girl, he was crying begging for me to forgive him etc - turns out that this was only 2 weeks after he was going to this girls house going from the timeframe in the texts.

I'm trying not to think about it and that it was 3 years ago, we were both young, we are engaged now and getting a house so I'm trying not to let the past ruin it. Although it's still making me angry when I think of it, I wish I never found out 😂

I’m not sure why @Watchkeysis stirring

@lolorin @TedMullins

I'm trying to get you to see that none of us have feelings that make sense all the time, and all of us are happy when our feelings are heard and validated. You can validate feelings that are totally without reason, that are unfair, that are unkind, that are unpleasant etc, and you can share them in a relationship that's open and comfortable, and your partner can validate them too. Neither of you have to like or agree with the feelings, or judge them in a 'right' or 'wrong' framework.

Ted, you misunderstood. Not sure why the unpleasant assumption about my motive was necessary, but that's your problem. Hope I've cleared the misunderstanding for you and it helps you to feel better.

It’s wise that you’ve posted here instead of berating him OP. I think maybe you’re wondering whether he’s trustworthy enough to marry. I think he probably is.

@SheSellsSea thank you. I didn't want to just go in and start grilling him about it so wanted opinions first, and from the majority of responses I have decided that I am just not going to bring it up.

Since being official he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He isn't on social media, we live together (renting soon buying), he compliments me every day and tells me how much he loves me, proposed in January and wanted me to post it on my Facebook so that everybody knew (so not as if he is trying to hide it) etc.

The only thing that this has done is made me think "what is he doing when he's out with his friends and I'm not there, who's he talking to" but that is my own problem and based on his other behaviours I would (like to) think that it is unlikely!

Let it go OP, it really isn’t worth torturing yourself over it.
He wanted to be with you but you were running hot and cold so he had a causal encounter with someone else. It really isn’t any of your business tbh.

You could bring it up but then itll
always be there between you or you can give him some grace and move past it. I would do the latter and move on. It feels like the only reason you’d be brining it up would be to punish him and he actually hasn’t done anything wrong.

many people have these grey areas at the start of relationships, I bet it’s very common. Have a rant to a trusted friend if needed but draw a line after.

@Hotgirlwinter thank you, you are so right. I won't gain anything by bringing it up apart from an atmosphere and both of us knowing that we both know (if that makes sense)

I would also be a massive hypocrite to be angry with him, as I was also acting single during this timeframe. It's just not nice to find out even though I know that I don't have a leg to stand on by being angry.

Or reframe it in your mind: the feeling it gives you makes you see how much you want him to be totally yours now, and how much your feelings have deepened.

If you're coming to the conclusion that not sharing your feelings with your partner, when what you're upset about is something he did, that's not a healthy dynamic.

A healthy dynamic would be for you to be able to say 'I know this doesn't make sense, but I feel rubbish about it', and for him to validate your feeling.

If you think your feelings will go away because you try to silence them... how can that be good? If you're not talking about what happens for you deep down in your relationship, how can he relate? If you can't be completely yourself without feeling you'll 'create an atmosphere', why do you want to be with him?

There's a lot of unhealthy opinions on this thread, and a lot of people who aren't in healthy relationships themselves, and don't know how to be. You're choosing to take advice to put up and shut up. Other options are available to you.

@Watchkeys thank you for your advice, I do appreciate it.

It's not a case of me not being able to speak to him about my feelings, I know that I can. If I had an issue with something currently then I would definitely speak to him and know that he would be there for me.

It isn't even a case of creating an atmosphere on his behalf, I know that he would be reassuring toward my feelings. It's that I know that if I bring it up then I will be making an atmosphere, if he knows that I am thinking of it and know about it then I know that I will not be able to help but be in a bad mood with him. Not right no, but I know that's how I'll be! Ignorance is bliss as the saying goes.

You weren't official until the December though. Enjoy what you've got now and the previous 2 years.

@Jk987 you are right we weren't officially together at that point. We still acted like a couple though, I took him away for his birthday a week after he was over the girls house! I think she knew that she was a second option as I remember her and her friends saying something about how he "comes back to you whenever his new girlfriend pisses him off"

Like you said, I'm trying to erase that first 6 months and just focus on what we have now and have had since becoming a couple 😊

OP were you seeing anyway else in those unofficial weeks? Dates, kissing, sex? It doesn't sound like you were together at the time. It sounds like the actual relationship started later.

@idreamoftoddlersleepytime yes I did go back to someone's house a few times during this timeframe also, which is why I completely admit that I am being a hypocrite!

I think that's another reason why I would never grill him about it, because I was also doing things that he isn't aware of.

It's just that I remember him constantly texting / calling / begging for me, telling me he wouldn't look at anyone else, when I asked him if he had been with someone else he'd say no. And I know I sound crazy because I was doing it too, but I wasn't telling him the above back. It's quite confusing, we would agree to become official (then I would break things off and say it wasn't working) and it would repeat.

I need to put it behind me, we were unofficial, we both did things and have moved on but it's just not nice to hear now that's all.

Ignorance is bliss as the saying goes

For him. For you, not telling him how you feel is bothering you, and you're trying to shut that feeling up.

Anyway, good luck.

I do not think OP is worried about the ‘cheating’ per se, she’s worried about how easily he portrayed a different reality to her during that time, and consequently whether it points to an inconsistent character now and in the future

@SheSellsSea you've knocked the nail on the head! It's about how convincing he was at the time, I had asked if anything had happened with anyone and he'd promise no. It's scary that I completely believed him back then I never for a second thought he was lying!

Total hypocrite. You did the same thing. And you rejected him, of course he's gonna go elsewhere.

@Disturbia81 if you rtft you'll see that I have said several times that I know I'm a hypocrite!