Partner is leaving me and children.

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So out of the blue my partner of 7 years and having 2 children and a mortgage is leaving…
he has shared that he is not happy and doesn’t know who he is any more…
I am completely heart broken and just don’t know what to think. He said it’s nothing to do with me and that he still loves me but needs time on his own. It’s all his stuff he needs to work on, As he knows he hasn’t been the best partner or dad for a while.
he is planning on renting somewhere and I am so worried for the future ect. I have said to him why is he giving up and he said he isn’t…
he has said he is not closing the door on there ever being an us but at the moment it is not what he wants.
I feel so lost and I am trying to stay strong for my kids as they are only 18monthe and 3.
I have said to him what are you going to tell the kids and he said he doesn’t know. I don’t want to break my children’s hearts!
I am also scared for the house as I cannot afford the mortgage on my own and i only pay so much and then I do the food shops ect. I am so cross because the way he has explained things is that things have got too much and the mortgage was his idea!
I am sadly hoping he realises that this is what he wants!
I just don’t know what to think or do! He still wants to do days out together but I don’t think I can pretend to be happy families at the moment.
:(

100% cheating and using the script. You’ll find out soon enough ☹️

So what do you want now OP? Apart from him to change his mind because that might not happen.

If you need to work more to earn more to be able to pay housing for you separately then he needs to do more childcare and work less.

I would get angry if my H had done this with kids your age. He can't just waltz off to a bachelor pad and live the life of Riley. I would make his life as opposite of happy go lucky as you can

Every other weekend drop kids at his single pad and tell them you will have them back after work on Monday. That sort of thing.

Men will say they want 50/50 to not pay maintenance but they drop kids to mum before school and pick them up after work keeping the mum skint and having to do all the nursery/school runs and just having them in the evenings and don't do "boring" stuff like homework and reading.

So fine if he is going to walk out of the marriage that's one thing but he can't walk out on his kids.

So make him do the kid work. Go grocery shopping for their food, clubs, park, swimming on his own. Wash their clothes.

He will soon realise that he isn't Mr Ripley.

Get stubborn OP don't be a doormat. Remember this was his decision his alone do not feel sorry for him.

Yes he might be cheating but that isn't your main concern your main concern now OP is to establish your life so you can afford what you need as well as him.

And I am sure if there is a fancy bit she will love having toddlers around everyone other weekend and half weekdays so no fancy meals out, NOT!

Again this is our of your hands you need to be firm that you now need to work equal to him.

Screw him.

How terrible.
Research proper advice as to where you stand financially etc and make a plan for husband to care for children for days that suit you.

Take care not to burn out. Use friends and family for support.
Does husband have a history of mental health issues?
Does he have family nearby where he could stay more cheaply? Do you have family nearby where you could stay when your husband is looking after the children?

As nothing is settled, I would try to keep costs low so your housing arrangemeints are not blown out of reach.and you have more options in the long term.

'He's not closing the door'
Well make sure you firmly bolt it
Absolute prick , who the hell does he think he is ?
Time to get angry op
There will 100% be another woman , I've never seen a thread on here start like this where there hasn't been
Not that it makes any difference , you need to get your ducks in a row as they say

Don’t accept his waffle. He needs to plan how he will be supporting his children, as in paying the mortgage and utilities, school uniforms, shoes etc.

Is the mortgage in both names?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. However, it sounds like the whole 'not closing a door on us' thing is so he can go out and do whatever he fancies (potentially another woman, potentially freedom from parenting etc) and have you waiting on the prospect of him coming back if things don't work out the way he wants to after he leaves.

Don't give him the satisfaction. You are far better without him, and you can absolutely do this without him around. Keep it amicable if possible, seek legal advice and set up a childcare arrangement that suits.

Stay strong x

Sorry for my blunt post.

Focus on you and your kids. Money, housing and paperwork. What he is doing is wrong and leaving his own flesh and blood vulnerable.

I’m so sorry this is happening.
I know it hurts, but you need to get angry.
Do not let him come back. Who does he think he is expecting you to hang around waiting for him while he pleases himself?

It’s going to be hard, but you can do this. Focus on your little ones and don’t let this prick get off easily.

Someone else will be better than me at advising practical steps, but just know you have plenty of women on here backing you ❤️ sending hugs.

Also, regarding him not closing the door it’s not a revolving door, it’s a one way street. If he walks, he’s walked, he doesn’t get to come back and walk all over you.

You, and the DC, deserve better.

People tend to only leave their children for someone else unfortunately. But they don't like to admit it at the start unless forced to, they know it looks bad.
CMS asap and a UC application/ tax credits. You might find yoy get by ok.
If he has been poor as a father and partner, he's no loss in the long run.
Now is the time to talk to friends and family, support is important.

Are you married OP? This matters from a legal perspective. Are you both named on the house deeds etc?

I'm going to be really honest. This is no time for weakness, you need to tell him it's over do not play the "pick me" game.

Do not agree to family days out
He takes them for access time, set that out now.

You are going to need to start focussing on you, your financial independence etc.

I know this is a really tough time but as the saying goes put your own oxygen mask on first. Take control, say no to him, plan on being a co-parent.

I have been a lone parent for 14 years, it's tough at times but not as problematic as having a shitty partner.

And yea I agree there is an OW but don't obsess about it, it's him that's creating this, and there are consequences...let him fuck about and find out.

Get an appointment with a solicitor OP – most will do an hour's free consultation. Do you have a local Facebook page you can ask anonymously on? There will be another woman, I don't doubt – men don't leave their comfortable lives to go it alone.

Absolutely do not allow yourself and your children to be fucked around and kept on the back burner while he has a trial run with the new woman. Because that is what's happening, he's giving you The Script word for word.

Make sure he knows if he walks out now that's it, it's over, you won't sit around waiting for him like a chump, you'll begin divorce proceedings (if you're married) or seeking legal advice re: house and mortgage. That door will be firmly and permanently closing behind him. Prick.

This 100%. Don't let him thing he can keep his options open and you'll be waiting for him while he fucks around with someone else

Do not allow this man to fuck you about with his "it's not you, it's me", "maybe we can work it out" bullshit. There is absolutely another woman involved and he is trying to play you for a fool. Get angry and be ruthless. He does not get to call the shots here.

What a waste of space he is.
Of course he has someone else but he's too cowardly to tell you.
He wants joint days out so he doesn't have to look after the kids alone.
I'd just go for a clean break if I were you and manage on your own. The children are still very young so I doubt they will realise what's going on, better now than when they are older.
Best to get rid of wasters like this as soon as possible.
Don't fall for the, "I want to give us another go" when his new relationship falls through.
You don't throw your family away and expect to come back whenever you want.
I hope you have family to help out.
What would happen if you decided you wanted to go off and find yourself too - would the children just end up in care?

I agree with everyone on here, OP. He's got someone else who he wants to trial, and if it doesn't work out he'll come back to you. Don't let that happen.

Focus on the finances now. Both these websites will be invaluable.

Calculate your child maintenance - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Benefits Calculator - entitledto - independent | accurate | reliable

Please don't do the "pick me dance" where you try to prove he'd have a better life if he stayed with you. He's behaved really badly and from this moment on, he's not your friend. He has put you and your children last. Be cold and polite but don't talk about what you've been up to, how upset you are etc. He is not your friend.

He needs to keep paying the mortgage. It's his financial commitment. He can't just decide to stop paying.

As for joint days out, tell him straightaway there is absolutely no chance of that. For one thing he wants help with the kids and for another it means you don't get any time to yourself.

One thing I wish I'd done is to hand over a big basket of washing (children's clothes, towels and sheets) and ask for it to be returned clean, dry and folded in a couple of days. You are going to do all the donkey work - make sure he does some, too.

What a scumbag!!

Apply for child maintenance and Universal Credit. Go on Turn2Us calculator and put your details in, then do an application asap. This is The Script, I’m afraid OP. The whole ‘never say never’ is disgusting hedging of his bets. Total pig. I’m so sorry, this must hurt like bloody hell.

He can't just leave you to pay the mortgage if his name is on it. Absolute man-child. You need to get angry.

I'm sorry OP, I know how much you are hurting right now but you WILL be okay again and you can get through this.

Tell him if he wants to leave fine, but he's not coming back and stick to that. Don't waste any more time on this person because he doesn't love you or care about you.

"As he knows he hasn’t been the best partner or dad for a while."

And he thinks the way to fix this is to leave you? Bolloks. He's too much of a coward to say he's got someone else.

Still wants family days out? Is he insane? After he's completely turned your world upside down he thinks its okay to ask you to pretend everything is okay? This request is beyond selfish OP and I hope you can see that.

Agree with PP what he really means is 'I want to see the kids, but I don't want to look after them so you can do that while I play Disney dad'

Rubbish. If the mortgage is in joint names they are joint and severally liable. Which means if he doesn’t pay, the lender will expect OP to pay in full.

As they aren’t married, his only obligation is to pay maintenance. OP might have to use that to pay his half of the mortgage.

Seek advice - Gingerbread / maybe legal advice. Claim Universal Credit as a lone parent. Tell the council so they reduce your council tax.
Get your own bank account and move funds you need for bills from the joint account.
He is liable for Child maintenance payments and his share of the mortgage. You will both be badly affected if you miss any payments.
Try to ignore your heartbreak and be practical - he’s left you in the shit and I wouldn’t want him back if I were you.

Tell people and ask for support.