Partner is leaving me and children.

[Aerial200]

So out of the blue my partner of 7 years and having 2 children and a mortgage is leaving…
he has shared that he is not happy and doesn’t know who he is any more…
I am completely heart broken and just don’t know what to think. He said it’s nothing to do with me and that he still loves me but needs time on his own. It’s all his stuff he needs to work on, As he knows he hasn’t been the best partner or dad for a while.
he is planning on renting somewhere and I am so worried for the future ect. I have said to him why is he giving up and he said he isn’t…
he has said he is not closing the door on there ever being an us but at the moment it is not what he wants.
I feel so lost and I am trying to stay strong for my kids as they are only 18monthe and 3.
I have said to him what are you going to tell the kids and he said he doesn’t know. I don’t want to break my children’s hearts!
I am also scared for the house as I cannot afford the mortgage on my own and i only pay so much and then I do the food shops ect. I am so cross because the way he has explained things is that things have got too much and the mortgage was his idea!
I am sadly hoping he realises that this is what he wants!
I just don’t know what to think or do! He still wants to do days out together but I don’t think I can pretend to be happy families at the moment.
:(

Is he depressed on anything like that? Other than that I'd say cheating or potentially wanting to see if grass is greener on his own. Sit him down and explain you won't be doing happy family days out and you will have set visitation for the kids. Don't let him come and go as he wants, he is the one leaving you like this. Sit him down and work out what's happening around kids and mortgage, bills etc. Please tell people so you can get support

I am sorry you have been dealt such poor behavior by your DP.

I am going to be another one stating that he has found someone else, but he is not going to be honest about it with you, no man will ever admit to this.
This has to be hidden from you at all cost, and later you will learn how he hid the OW until he was sure of his choice.

So right now its either her or you.
OW may even have given him ultimatum on this with him. They normally do.
This is why he has told you that he is not happy, needs to move out and be on his own, which is bullshit feed as he does not want to be portrait as the bad partner who left kids and wife for OW, its all about holding ego and face for the outside world, with no care for you or his DC. Now he is wanting to test drive the OW first prior to taking final decisions on you or her, he will tell you that he is not happy, or in short re write history with claims that just dont fit in with reality.

There is the cheaters script you can find by googling, and then there is the Chump Lady, have a look at both. Also find out as much as you can on what you may be entitled to regarding benefits as previous posters have advised.

If he comes back, it will be because the OW just wasnt as much fun as he may have thought. And if you take him back, you will never feel secure in the relationship and always second guessing yourself. Your relationship is effectively over so do not fall into the pit of hoping you can change the scenario that is unfolding.

It is a rare day indeed when a man leaves because “he doesn’t know what he wants”. I call bullshit op, he’s had his head turned. But honestly, that doesn’t matter.
You and your (I assume willingly, jointly conceived) dc are no ones “option”.

He doesn’t want to close the door? Well that is unfortunate, because if I was you, I’d put on my best pair of shoes, put the toe of one of them straight up his lying arse, boot him out the door then barricade the fucking thing behind him.
Please, please do not play this game with him. Don’t cry, don’t beg, don’t plead (been there, you will absolutely regret it afterwards!)

Google how to “grey rock” and do that. Let the rancid fucker go, but MAKE SURE he knows that he cannot just “ leave” his two tiny children. So, ask how he is planning to do 50/50 childcare (he probably won’t want that, but it will shit him up) What provision he has made to pay for them for the next 16 years? How he is going to cover 50% of child care in school holidays? I GUARANTEE he will not have thought about any of this. The way through this is ice cold, calm and collected. Cry to your friends, on here or batter your pillow. Show him NOTHING because he is definitely not thinking about you or your dc. Stay strong op, you can absolutely do this xxx

I really am praying you are married.

These man children are so frustrating.

okay, I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP. This is so hard. But you need to find a bit of anger now.

So he's announced he's leaving and will be renting. what is his plan for the financial implciations? Ditto, what is his plan for childcare and child arrangements? Because he's had all this time to think ahead of making this decision and you have been blindsided so it's perfectly reasonable to ask him if he has considered any of these things or is just planning to waft away?

Sorry you’re going through this, I agree with others, there is someone else, he wants to keep you as back up if things don’t work out with her. I would tell him if he decides to go then that’s it, no coming back. I know it’s hard but he’s treating you badly expecting you to sit and wait for him to come running back.

Absolutely this OP.

The brute will expect you to grovel because you sound a lovely person. How dare he up and leave his young children...

Stay strong, seek family/friends support and get legal advice if you can. Sending hugs 🥰

He doesn't want to close the door? I'd be nailing it shut. Unfortunately, when you have two young children, absenting yourself while you have a little think about what you want but opting in for nice days out, isn't something that you can do without some severe and permanenet repercussions. He is a dickhead if he thinks this is an option.

I would echo PP above who said that it's very unusual for men to leave unless they have something soft to land on. I'd say this is the case.

Are you married OP? This is a shit situation but you need to focus on the practical arrangements as much as possible, action overcomes fear.

saying he’s cheating 100% is a huge assumption. He could be suffering with his mental health or have genuinely fallen out of love with his partner. Not everyone is a cheater.

Have you asked him which half of every week he wants to do his sole 24/7 childcare going forward? Ask him. Shock the life out of him.
Are you married?

It's fnny how when women fall out of love or have mental health problems, when they end the relationship they've usually tried to fix it beforehand. Also, they don't usually announce they're leaving while expecting their now-ex partner to handle all the childcare etc.

Sorry OP, but there is 100% another woman. Men don't just up and leave out of the blue. He is reading the script word for word. Please look it up so you know whats coming next. He may be all woe and acting like a lost puppy right now, but that puppy will turn into a wolf as soon as you don't play ball.

And all his bollocks about not sure what he wants and leaving the door open.
As much as you likely want to leave it open, kick that door shut the second he steps outside. And double bolt it.
What absolute bollocks.
Your answer should be along the lines of after throwing a grenade into our lives, you don't just get to have me wait around like a chump while you testdrive if the grass is greener on the other side.

So sorry.
And have a read of this OP's threads. Sounds like you have the same situation going on: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2713626-Dh-is-leaving-me-bolt-out-of-the-blue#65908621

50-50 is the default now, isn’t it? So every other week he’ll be having the kids - every aspect of them, from nursery and school runs to laundry to homework to illness.

50/50 should be the default. But don't ever plan your life on the fact that this will happen. They can just disappear, never pay a penny and never see the kids (except on their own, random schedule).

So sorry this has happened to you, OP. But you WILL be fine.

I'd agree with all of the others who recognise the script. I also think there is another person, but it may not be a woman.

Rarely does this happen in reality, unfortunately, and someone that is so quick to opt out doesn't seem like the type to be arranging his life around the children. He's not now, why would he start?

He doesn't want to close the door just incase he's made the wrong choice, he now expects you to wait around for him then if the grass isn't greener he'll come home. Even the family days out are so his DC and parents will think he's just taking a break and will be back soon, don't let him do that, to you or your DC. I'm afraid he's banking on your love for him, he wants you to protect his reputation, to make it look as if this is all with your agreement. Don't let him mess you and your DC about Op, if he leaves, he leaves for good

God, what a self indulgent twerp. When you're a father with bills to pay and a family to support, you don't have the option to opt out. Tell him to grow a pair.

I agree with some others , possibly an OW.
Claim CMS immediately, see if you can get UC.
Work out access visits.

Sadly you guys were right, he won’t tell me who it is.. someone from his work.
I found a love note in his car less than 3 months after break up. Though I don’t want him back i am struggling mentally at the moment as I keep thinking what did I do wrong? :( the idea of another partner/love is just not even on the cards and can’t understand how he can just pick up with someone else.

Sorry to hear that he was cheating OP he's clearly a terrible partner and father to do this to you and the dc. I hope things start looking up for you soon and you build the amazing life you deserve.

So sorry this has happened to you. It’s devastating I know as it happened to me many years ago though we didn’t have children.

Are you ok financially? What happened with your house? I know you were concerned about paying mortgage on your own. I hope he is behaving properly about maintenance and paying you what he should.

Yh I don’t want him back but can’t seem to get out of my MH rut! Really low! Can’t understand how after so long you can just be with someone else! Just think what did I do wrong!
He hardly sees the kids always ‘working’ this will be the 3rd weekend he hasn’t had them, so I don’t get chance for me time.
he’s paying the mortgage and some bills and I do the rest the same as before, I have 2 part time jobs and my mum and dads support me with having the kids while I’m at work which I am grateful for.
xx

Now is the time to draw your battle lines and get angry.
he is trying to sample single life and keep you hanging in case it doesn’t work out. Tell him once he leaves it is over for good. Do not leave yourself as a fall back option - you are the mother of his kids and deserve respect.
tell the kids daddy is living in another house and they will see him soon. Then make contact arrangement you are happy with. No meals out and no “dating” arrangements , he walks and it’s over.

They're all so predictable.
I am so sorry you're going through this, I went through the EXACT same thing exactly 2 years ago. They all follow the script.
You and your children will be ok, he is not the sort of man you would want to be with and he's proven it