My crush’s new gf is 20 years younger

[Bromelain]

I’m 44. For a while I’ve had a crush on a man who’s 35. I didn’t think it was a huge age gap. In the past I’ve dated men who are ten years older than me, I regularly see couples with a similar age gap.

Anyway tonight I met his new girlfriend and she’s 24. I can’t compete with that. Even if they broke up there’s no way he’d go from her to me. She’s 20 years younger than me - I’m old enough to be her mother.

It was just so hard looking at her and realising how old I am compared to the other women this guy can attract. They were obviously very happy with each other. I’m insane to have thought he might look at me twice. Obviously I was crushing on him and he didn’t even see me.

I just feel old and worthless and invisible. I still feel that age myself but obviously I’m not. It’s like my body has aged but my brain hasn’t.

Of course you are not worthless! These things happen. If you were crushing on him for a while, you probably would have felt bad seeing him with any woman, even one much older. It's so easy and yet so destructive to compare ourselves with others, isn't it? At least now you know he has a girlfriend and you can put him out of your mind. Just a tip - to avoid heartbreak, it's a good idea to only crush on guys when you sense they feel the same way, and you know they are single.

You're neither old nor worthless but perhaps this is a valuable lesson in perspective.

Honestly I think a decade is a stretch as an age gap whichever way it goes, but it's not all that common, and certainly far less common with a younger-man-older-woman combo.

I actually find a 35-year-old man dating a 24-year-old to be creepy in itself, so perhaps you've been done a favour.

You're not old or worthless. It's fine to have found him attractive. Nothing doing there, though, so find something positive to distract yourself.

Some women in their 40s are stunning. Naturally beautiful. Confident and know whst they like. Im 35 and i think alot of women in their 20s have a very fake look.

24 is a bit young for a 35 yr old but whatever.... That's up to them.

I'm not sure what your respective situations with kids are; but a 35 yr old man - if he has no kids of his own yet - was extremely unlikely to have a serious/lasting relationships with a 44 yr old woman, for obvious reasons (the majority of 44 yr olds won't be able to have kids naturally with him).

I'd say many 35 yr olds might have a fling/casual relationship with a 9 yrs older woman if they found her attractive, but that's all it would be.
Would you have been happy with that?
That's all that would be ever happened.
It can be painful if you get attached during a casual relationship, the oxytocin kicks in etc and he ends it sooner or later to have a serious relationship.
So it's not like you've missed out on much, you've likely been spared an upsetting experience.

(forgot to say - even if you both have kids already and that wasn't a factor : a minority of 35 yr old men might consider a 9 yrs older woman for a serious relationship, but only a minority, I'd say. So the chances were low that he'd be one of them anyway).

I didn’t think it was a huge age gap. In the past I’ve dated men who are ten years older than me, I regularly see couples with a similar age gap.;

In some ways it isn't, in others it is; it's nearly a decade. You were almost 10 when he was a newborn.

I'm not sure if you mean age gap relationships with a younger women, older man .. or vice versa.
I know a few couples with older woman, younger man; but I'd not say it's common. Most common is around the same age, then small number of older man, younger woman, then even smaller number of older woman, younger man.

Unfortunately (or however you look at it) younger woman are more likely to consider older men than vice versa (for a relationship, sex is something else).

I don't think you'd have been remotely unreasonable in thinking he might look at you for sex or a casual relationship, but a bit unreasonable thinking he might look at you for steady/serious relationship.

That's doesn't mean you're not attractive, lovely etc. It's just realistic.

(As I said, does he even have kids? If he wants then one day or hasn't ruled it out, he's not going to be looking for a nearly mid 40 something woman to be his partner).

Obviously I was crushing on him and he didn’t even see me.

He could very well have "seen" you, and thought you are attractive, but wouldn't consider dating people nearly a decade older ..and that's perfectly reasonable.

If he, at 35, is looking to settle down in the near ish future and maybe have a family, he is not going to consider older women, especially more than a couple of years older.

Let's stop infantilizing women in their 20s. They are capable of deciding who to be with. Age gaps, as long as they are above 20, are perfectly fine in my eyes. I am in one myself for 18 years. 20 years older than me and he has always been the one for me. No daddy issues and no he isn't a creep.

To the op, it's not about you competing. As someone else said, you would have probably felt like this seeing anyone with your crush. It hurts when your feelings are not reciprocated. Don't put yourself down. There is only one of you and you bring immense value to this world. Find someone who wants you back in equal measure.

Let's stop infantilizing women in their 20s

Posters - always posters who are in age gap relationship with older men themselves - come on here and describe acknowledging the difference in life experience, outlook, maturity etc etc between 20 somethings (esp early 20 somethings) and 30/40 etc somethings as "infantalising".

It is not infantalising.

It is acknowledging the difference in life experience, outlook, maturity etc.

I've been forced to listen to teens, early 20s, mid 20s etc on trains for a long time and believe me, the difference in their outlook, thinking, how they express themselves, maturity etc. (compared to 30 somethings and onward) ...... is very marked and very consistent.

An age gap relationship with an older man worked for you, great.

It doesn't/wouldn't work for many others, for natural reasons. And it's not "infantalising" to acknowledge that.

Try being 54! I'm part a social circle that includes several perfectly nice men my age. We get on and enjoy each other's company as friends, but judging by the women they date, I'm far too old for any of them.

Sorry OP you are talking garbage! You can compete!

My ef-gf was not 'my type' - and on the face of it would not compete with many girls I have dated or see in the street. But I had such a love for her I didn't care about the fact her thighs were wobbly and had veins, or she had a mum tum - for me she was perfect and if I was dating a young 24 yo would easily drop her for my ex who is 49. I will be honest, I could never see myself thinking that way before but real love changes that.

Well he was single! And I convinced myself that maybe he was looking at me a little too much, smiling a little too much, for someone who was just a friend. I didn’t say anything because part of me was saying “you’re imagining it, he wouldn’t look twice at a woman who’s several years older”. So I waited, and it turns out I was right.

Yeah I’m aware that I’m too old to have any more kids. He doesn’t have kids but I was naively hopeful that maybe he didn’t want any. He has some medical issues so I thought maybe he’d decided not to have any.

I think I’d have felt better if he was dating another woman who was 35-40. That’s just an alternative choice instead of me, which is fine. What really hit me is that the woman he chose is 20 years younger than me. It really rammed it home that I wasn’t even in the running (by a very long shot!) and I’m an old fool to have even fantasised that something might happen.

I suppose I just feel old and past it. The men I’m attracted to are attracted to women 10-20 years younger than me.

Well he has a GF, so you shouldn't be thinking of competing with her anyway. However, if it makes you feel any better, when I was in my 20s my same age BF cheated on me with a beautiful woman 20 (possibly more) years older than us both.

He doesn’t have kids but I was naively hopeful that maybe he didn’t want any. He has some medical issues so I thought maybe he’d decided not to have any.

Ime most people want kids, or certainly don't want to rule it out completely.

And no offence but it was a huge assumption to make, without hearing it from the horse's mouth.

(Even if a young ish person said that (they don't want kids) I'd not take it as gospel because I've seen men and women change their minds, or suddenly make up their minds they'd like kids after being ambivalent/unenthusiastic).

The men I’m attracted to are attracted to women 10-20 years younger than me

And you're attracted to men (well, a man - I don't know anything about your other attractions) 10 years younger than you!

So if you're attracted to a man almost 10 years younger; what's strange or starting or upsetting about a man being attracted to a woman around 10 years younger?

Anyway, surely you've found (or could find) some men closer to your age (in either direction) who you are attracted to.

I suppose I just feel old and past it.

You're not old and past it, but you're being somewhat unreasonable & unrealistic to expect to pull 35 yr old childless men at nearly a decade older when you probably couldn't have (more?) kids naturally. Especially for a serious relationship.

There might be a small percentage of men who would go for a woman nearby a decade older who can't have kids with him easily or at all; but it's the vast minority, it's very unusual.

And I convinced myself that maybe he was looking at me a little too much, smiling a little too much, for someone who was just a friend.

Maybe you did or maybe you didn't.

Maybe he is attracted to you.

It's perfectly possible for people to be attracted to people within a wide ish age range. Him being attracted to his 24 yr old gf, isn't mutually exclusive with him being attracted to a 9 years older woman.

However, very few childless 35 yr old men are going to pursue any attraction towards a serious relationship with a nearby decade older woman, with whom he likely can't have kids.

She's 11 years younger than him, which isn't much younger than he is to you. If he wants kids he's likely to go for someone younger. Yes off limits now anyway.

I think I’d have felt better if he was dating another woman who was 35-40.

My experience of online dating at 35 was that some men around my age would consider me, others would most definitely not.

I remember the profile of a guy a year older than me saying he was "not looking to meet anyone older than myself". He did not respond to my nudge so he was not looking to date a year younger, or just didn't like my photos, either.

That's how some people are.

I suspect some men do not like what they see as a pressured/fast progression to marriage (if they marry) and having kids. They want to take their time, and they don't think a woman their age can do that/will want to do that.

There are obviously exceptions - a sister of an acquaintance met a 40 yr old man, and a rather eligible bachelor at that, when she was about 37/38, I think and they mutually pursued a fast progression to having a child, I'm not sure if/when they married.

But on the whole, I think a lot of guys don't want what they feel has to be a fast, pressured escalation to settling, commitment and kids. They presume, right or wrongly that childless 35+ women are in a rush.

When dating I (as a woman).always bear in mind that although I might find myself attracted to women (in my case) who are maybe 10 years younger than me, they in turn may also be attracted to women 10 years younger than them. Which means that in the dating market I would be "competing" with women 20 years younger than me. This is always going to be the way.

It's nothing to do with you being old, worthless or invisible, it's just facts. Though maybe it has triggered a mini crisis where you are suddenly more aware you are now a woman in your 40's.

Easiest to stay close to our own ages, and be with people who are of the same generation and at the same life stage.

I have a theory (I'm sure based on something I've read) about age and dating. I'm probably being dumb and obviously it requires massive generalisions but here we go...

I think the general thing is young women often want slightly older men (maturity, wealth, more ready for commitment) so a woman in her mid 20s can be attracted to a man in his 30s or older, possibly even more than she'd be attracted to a man her own age. Obviously this is a theoretical generalisation thing and not anything to do with individual people! So men in their late 20s to early 40s can actually be quite attractive to women in their 20s, even if those same men actually struggled when they were in their 20s to attract a woman of the same age.

So basically, evolutionarily speaking, men prefer youth (health, ability to have babies etc, taking from an evolutionary perspective only), so will, regardless of their own age, often be attracted to women who are 20s and early 30s. Women can therefore from 18ish potentially attract pretty much any age man if she wanted to (again various other factors but point is age is not an important variable). Whereas men in their early 20s may actually find attracting a woman harder as he wants one his age but a lot of women his age may be looking at men a bit older. But as we all age, men in their 30s are suddenly potentially attractive to women in a much greater age range than ever before (say 20 - 50) whereas as we women approach our late 30s and 40s we find ourselves in a similar position (but reversed) to young men where men our age and younger are able to attract both younger women and women their own age, and maybe statistically lean younger.

Women in their 20s = potentially attractive to all men
Men in their 20s = attracted to women their age but may find it hard as those women are looking at slightly older men

Men in their 30s and 40s = suddenly potentially attractive to both older and younger women
Women in their late 30s/early 40s = attracted to men their age and slightly younger but may find it hard as those men are looking at slightly younger women.

DH and I have been together since our late teens and during our twenties I would get approached a lot and he didn't really. Now how we look hasn't really changed much except we've aged, we're late 30s now but I get much less attention and generally only from older men, whereas he often has younger women chat to him if he's out for a drink or something. It's just definitely something I've noticed. I guess there could be other reasons (confidence?) but now I've made a neat theory haha!

Hugely long winded sorry but basically I don't think you need to feel like an old fool or anything, I think things just shift as we get older and it can be a real surprise. I think things even out again as we get into our late 40s and 50s onwards. You're not silly at all it's just all a bit of a mind fuck.

This. I honestly would never have been looking at men in their mid 30s if I was almost ten years older.

The vast majority of blokes this age are probably looking for romance with a woman early 30s or 20s and perhaps beginning to think about a long term partner and a family by this point.

You're not 'past it' but you probably need to be realistic about the age range of men you might attract. If you are not interested in men in their late 40s/50 because they are a few years older than you, I suspect you have to accept that in return you are probably not attractive to blokes in their 30s.

It’s not about him. Or whether he wants kids. Or whether he’s willing to date someone older. Or whether it was reasonable of me to think he might.

It’s about me. Realising that I’m not desirable any more because I’m old and have a child. To put it simply - I was pretty and I’ve never wanted anyone I genuinely thought I couldn’t get. Until now. It’s painful.

Women in their 20s = potentially attractive to all men

While I agree with some of what you're saying

When I was in my 20s, I looked younger and did not attract older men.

I think they thought I was too young.

They also were pretty much all attached already.

Most men fall into relationships in their 20s abd so are not single in their late 20s, 30s, 40s.

The only older men interested in me were the creeps and cheaters.

I don't know if this was because I looked you g for my age.

But is also say that in my experience, there are few single men your own age in your 20s (they get into relationships from teens on) and even fewer single men in 30s upwards.