My crush’s new gf is 20 years younger

[Bromelain]

I’m 44. For a while I’ve had a crush on a man who’s 35. I didn’t think it was a huge age gap. In the past I’ve dated men who are ten years older than me, I regularly see couples with a similar age gap.

Anyway tonight I met his new girlfriend and she’s 24. I can’t compete with that. Even if they broke up there’s no way he’d go from her to me. She’s 20 years younger than me - I’m old enough to be her mother.

It was just so hard looking at her and realising how old I am compared to the other women this guy can attract. They were obviously very happy with each other. I’m insane to have thought he might look at me twice. Obviously I was crushing on him and he didn’t even see me.

I just feel old and worthless and invisible. I still feel that age myself but obviously I’m not. It’s like my body has aged but my brain hasn’t.

You're not desirable, for a relationship to one (nearly decade younger!)! man, so you're "not desirable".

Seriously, op.

And it is about him.

He's nearly a decade younger.

Anyone looking to pull nearly a decade younger person (for a relationship) is being ... Ambitious, for lack of a better word.

You are being especially ambitious if the decade younger person is childless and you're nearing past child bearing age.

Being pretty has little to do with it. Lots and lots of people are pretty. Why would your average 35 yr old fella pick a pretty woman a decade older who he probably can't have kids with, when he can pick a pretty woman who's younger and with whom he has years to build a relationship with, have kids with etc.

This is exactly my point. It’s not about him. It’s about me being confronted with the fact that I’m over the hill.

You're not over the hill.

You are, however, 44 ... And this dude is nearly 10 years younger.

You're not over the hill, but you're probably in a different phase of your life to this man.

I'm not far off you age-wise and I can see why a man in his mid 30s would be attractive. It's kind of a sweet spot: still young but a fully formed adult. It's just what you say it is though - a crush.

My cousin in his 30s is dating a 40 something woman and very happy. Don't write yourself off!

I'm 45 and I have a crush on a 37 year old guy. However, as we are both married I can safely admire him when I don't think he's looking and never have to face up to the question of whether he'd look twice at me. I agree I'd be devastated if I was single and he started dating someone 20 years younger than me!

I'm very happily dating someone who is 47, I'm 55. Just because this one guy is dating someone else does not mean you are past it.

You’re being very dramatic just because one dude you had a crush on happens to be dating someone a lot younger than you. It might not last with her and he might date someone closer to his own age next. So will that still mean you’re “over the hill”?

Frankly it’s a bit insulting to single mums in their 40s on to imply that our age and parental status make us all “past it”.

FWIW I met an absolutely wonderful man in my late 40s who is the same age as me and regularly tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. I’m sure he could pull someone younger if he wanted but he likes me being at the stage of life I’m at.

One rejection doesn’t mean you’re suddenly unattractive but tbh melodrama and self-pity probably don’t make you more attractive.

Tbh the only take away from this I would have in your shoes was - I should have asked him out sooner!

You'll know in future if you like someone, ask ask out on a date ASAP.

The age thing is irrelevant. I fancy Tom Holland. I also fancy the guy who plays the baddy in 'Yonderland' and I recon he was probably around his 50s.

Also, I'm a plain Jane of 34 and I pulled a 24 year old last month. Seriously, he probably was into you if you thought he was.

Hi OP.

The children issue taken from the equation...

You are more desirable to men than a younger woman who is not as attractive as you.
You are less desirable than a younger woman who is equally, or more attractive than you.

If you want to date younger then you will need to be the 'prize' looks wise in the relationship. So perhaps open yourself up to dating shorter men or those who are more average looking rather than some adonis in his thirties.

Men are shallow. They just want somebody who is more attractive than they are.

It's not exactly nice to suddenly come face to face with the reality of aging, I agree. Its probably even harder if you've always been attractive, the "catch" who could snap her fingers and get any man she wanted. But....its not the end of the world. It hurts this time, it always does when a crush ignores you. But next time, it might be someone much more suitable, and who fancies the elderly arse off you.

But you’re not!
I’m older than you by a few years and have honestly had more opportunities (with men as young as half my age and as old as 20 years older) in the last 5 years than I’ve had in my whole life before.
I have been with someone that whole time and so havent pursued any of them, but have been approached and asked for my number/out on dates plenty of times.
6 years ago I was married and felt old and invisible…I got a grip of myself, got fitter, (and got divorced) concentrated on me and what I wanted and I think the fact that I’m genuinely happy and confident is what attracts men.
You didnt approach this guy, you waited for him to make a move, which is fine, but it might mean you missed out this time.
That doesn't mean you're doomed to miss out forever.
Get your head held up, chalk it up to experience and move on. There will be other guys you fancy who like you back, I guarantee it.

I am 60. I genuinely could pass as quite a bit younger. That said I have to realise I probably don't have a chance of attracting a 45 year old. But I wouldn't want a 45 year old and all that going out and dressing up and trying not to get caught in unflattering lighting. I am married and honestly I want to curl up on the sofa and watch Netflix with my three years older husband rather than that sort of carry on. Yes, I was very attractive and I have to accept that though I am attractive for my age, on the open market, there is no way that I could "compete" with a mid-thirties woman but then I wouldn't want to. But if I was that 24 year old dating a 35 year old, I wouldn't be so keen to end up watching Netflix with a chap in his seventies when I'm 60 either.

@Xenoi24
Incel vibes much?

Why are you 'over the hill' because one man you had a crush on has a younger girlfriend?

To be fair, I think this particular pp has fallen foul of the wonderful world of OLD and is understandably rather bitter jaded.

Agree with pps...sorry you're hurting, but please dont make a bigger thing of this than it needs to be. Have a cry and moan then move on.

If there was this crush for a long time, its limerance or something like that, if you've not actually dated!

I've been the "hot youngster" turned down for older women before. Think about Charles, Camilla, and Diana! You just never know what the dynamic is.

I'm sure you've turned down or disappointed perfectly attractive men before, as someone else happened to catch your eye.

I also think everyone goes through social phases where they feel attractive and then unattractive.

Maybe this is a sign you need to slowly broaden your social circles, hanging around in a small group with someone you have a big crush on can't be good!

Just take time and enjoy meeting people and civilly engaging with them without stressing about whether or not they see you as dateable.

Your crush may have been one of those guys who deliberately sends physical signals and hints and makes eye contact (ego boost for him) which is why you thought there was something there?

There's plenty of guys like that. All timewasters and all trouble.

I worked in a supermarket when studying and there was a (conventionally handsome) doctor who used to come through in the evenings

He would hold lingering glances with all the women, focus his attention 100% on them and occasionally drop into conversation how he'd just come from work as a doctor, did he mention he'd been treating ill patients in his clinic...

(.Of course he was married)

I thought he was hilariously obvious and slaggy, but it was clearly an "act" to get women thinking there was something more.

Beware the subtle signals guy!

I actually think younger people are far more childish than my friends and I were at that age.

You've both lost me.

When I did OLD, a good percentage of men my age did not appear to want to date our age.

Some did, but possibly not the majority.

It was a relevant point to op's claim that she'd be happier if he (35) had gotten together with a gf 35-40.

Lots of men don't seem to want to date 35-40 when they're 35.

(And for that matter, many 50 plus posters on here have stated that lots of men their age don't want to date their age group either).

How is stating that observation "incel" or "bitter"?

*Your crush may have been one of those guys who deliberately sends physical signals and hints and makes eye contact (ego boost for him) which is why you thought there was something there?

There's plenty of guys like that. All timewasters and all trouble.*

Yep, there are a lot of people who crave attention and validation and ego massage.

There are also people who can't help but show they are attracted to/like someone, abd it's perfectly possible he did the op; but that doesn't mean he'd be choosing to pursue a relationship with her.

You have made this situation. It’s years in the making.

Realistically, you couldn’t have anyone you wanted. You just thought you could.

As was inevitable, you came across a man who you liked and didn’t want to date you. That’s life.

You aren’t in competition with her. Only in your head is there any thought of competition.

You read into his friendliness. You looked for signs to confirm your thoughts about yourself. That you could have anyone. You have likely being doing that for a long time. Assuming men who are friendly are also interested and this has fuelled your thought process.

You may have, sub consciously, only ever developed an interest in men who have given really clear signs they were interested in you. So that you again can confirm to yourself that you can get anyone you wanted. It’s confirmation bias.

You aren’t over the hill and your aren’t worthless. There’s no proof he thinks that or anyone does. Again, you are looking at other people and assuming their actions are a direct evaluation of you and how you look. And to you that’s your worth.

The good news is that since it’s all coming from you. You can change it. I am 100% certain there is more to you than whether this man wants to date you. There’s more to you than whether men under 50 would consider dating you. There’s always been more to you than whether you could ‘get any man you wanted’. Now is the time to explore that and learn to love yourself for more than whether you can still get any man you like.

You're not over the hill op but if this is genuinely the first time in your life you've experienced unreciprocated feelings then you are likely to find that a little hard. Maybe he was a bit of a tease /flirt giving out signals that he didn't really mean....how do you know him? Is it through work? Sounds like you've had a lucky escape though, he sounds a bit of a creep.

I was sympathetic until you cam out with this.
Now you just sound like you are throwing the toys out of the pram.

Why does he sound like a creep?