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Original poster

How do I trust him?

91 replies

Faceissues · 29/04/2024 00:20

Hi all. I have been seeing someone for the last 8 months. Its quite a long story but I'll do my best to add the necessary details. When we first met he told me after the second night together that he had been seeing someone very casually for a few months and that it wasn't at all serious. He assured me he wasn't going to see her anymore and so we continued seeing each other. We have seen each other 4 or 5 times a week since then, I stay at his house roughly half the week and am deeply in love with him.

For the first 5 months or so, he would 'disappear' roughly once a month. It always turned out he had gone to see the woman he had met before me. Every time he said he loved me he was sorry and he wouldn't see her again..but it kept happening. We werent 'official' at this point but we had said we were going to be exclusive. (We are officially together now). He finally told her about me in January and they haven't seen each other since. I stupidly thought we could finally move on and everything was good for a while.

About 6 weeks ago he met someone on a night out and took her home (thursday) slept with her and then saw me the day after (Friday).The day after he went out with his friends again (saturday), met a woman who was 6 months pregnant in a club, took her home and slept with her. He told me about both of these women on the Sunday - promised again that he would not do it again, he wanted me, he loved me etc.

Fast forward to two weekends ago, he goes out with his friends, gets home at 2am and rings me to say he's home, he's in his bedroom and his (male) friends are downstairs on their own. This turned out to be a total lie, they had all met women that night at the club and took them back to his house. He had rang me to reassure me whilst having another woman downstairs. He slept with her. I sat at home all night anxious and worried and feeling like dirt as I had seen on his friends story that they had women there so I knew he had lied again. I finally got the truth out of him a few days later. He promised me he would never go near another woman again whilst he was seeing me. He said he had felt cold and uncaring all the other times but this time he had hated it and felt guilty and knew he wanted to change.

I stayed. Again. His dad is currently on holiday abroad with his new girlfriend and her family. He told me his dad had asked him to fly out for a week but that he wasn't going to. He then went to the pub that night, had a few drinks, changed his mind and decided he was flying out there the next day. He has been there for one day and I am an anxious wreck. He is reassuring that he is never going to do it again, I can trust him now - 'you know it's different this time', but honestly I'm a complete mess.

How can I possibly move forward and keep my mental health in tact here? I'm so in love with him but this has affected me alot. Thanks

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2024 00:23

OP - you do not love him, he does not even LIKE you given the way he’s behaving.

You need to stop seeing him. This relationship has zero legs.

Charliecatpaws · 29/04/2024 00:26

You can't trust him. He's cheated multiple times and slept with a woman who was 6 month pregnant?.. who the hell does that?..

Block him, delete his number and get on with your life, FFS you deserve much more

Hiddenvoice · 29/04/2024 00:26

So you’ve been with him for 8 months and he’s been cheating on you the whole time?!

This is not your guy. Please, I know it’s hard, but have some respect for yourself and dump him. I rarely ever say this on here but this guy is a complete loser and is wasting your time but you’re continuing to allow him to walk over you. He isn’t going to change, he’s going to keep cheating, keep lying and then promising to change but look at his actions already, he hasn’t changed and shows no willingness to want to change.

His friendship group sound awful too!

Use this ‘holiday’ of his as your escape. Block and delete him. Don’t bother trying to type out a long message of how badly he’s treated you because and I say this gently, he doesn’t care. If he truly cared about you then he would never have cheated on you. End it and please go and get Sti checks!

shellyleppard · 29/04/2024 00:26

My personal rule in relationships....if there is no trust there is no love. Hes basically shagged anything with a pulse, consistently. Get rid and find someone who is worthy of your time

savethatkitty · 29/04/2024 00:33

You can move forward by ditching this cheating butt cheek. You can do better. He's treating you like this because you are tolerating it.

Original poster
Faceissues · 29/04/2024 00:33

Thanks for the replies. I know I need to leave the situation and have some self respect. I keep hoping it will change but its obviously not going to. Even if he did mean it this time, I can never trust him. I'm worried, anxious and paranoid constantly and its making me behave out of character.

I should have added in my original post that he has been violent a number of times. He has never hit me but he has thrown glasses at the TV, punched holes in the walls, threatened to kill himself if I left (he put a rope around his neck in the garage/climbed onto the train tracks and held a knife to his throat). He has knocked out atleast 5 different men in the time I have known him. One was because I touched a strangers arm in the pub very briefly whilst saying thank you for giving me something I had dropped. Another was his own dad. He is barred from all our locals pubs (pubwatch) for fighting.

He gets annoyed when I post on social media. Tells me I need to be constantly mindful of what I wear, my body language etc as it is a reflection of him.

I didn't add about the aggression etc in my original post because honestly it scares me just thinking about it so I very stupidly pretend like it isn't happening.

I know this is a bad situation. I have my own mental health problems aside from this and have found myself stuck here.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 29/04/2024 00:38

You’re not stuck, use this opportunity to distance yourself. He’s ruining you, he’s making you anxious and insecure and then controlling you to stay with him.

Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this? You’re being abused and need some support. Can you talk to your family and friends?

Please block and delete him. You don’t need to see him again. Speak to womensaid to get some support.

ClarabelleRose · 29/04/2024 00:42

How do you trust him? Quite simply, you don’t - and you can’t. He has shown you time and again just how untrustworthy he is.

I suspect you love the idea of him when he’s being nice to you, telling you how special you are, that he’ll never do anything like this again. You might be special, but you’re not special to him.

Your anxiety is going to stay in this unbearable state until you call it a day with him. Every single time he is out, your anxiety will spike. Perhaps this is something you’re familiar with and so in a way this feels better than nothing. I promise you, nothing would be way, way better than this.

samestyle · 29/04/2024 00:46

You can't trust him, the nice him who promises it will be better this time, is a lie, he's a vile man. Love and respect yourself, block him everywhere and don't feed his ego anymore.

IHateLegDay · 29/04/2024 00:47

Op, in the nicest way possible, you are an idiot for staying with him.
He's full of empty promises and will cheat on you continuously for however long you are together.

Please have some self respect!

TheShellBeach · 29/04/2024 00:49

You can't be in love with a violent man who cheats on you, lies to you, and exerts control over you.

Have some self respect and leave him. Men like him always threaten they're going to commit suicide if you try to end the relationship, but they don't mean it.

IHateLegDay · 29/04/2024 00:50

IHateLegDay · 29/04/2024 00:47

Op, in the nicest way possible, you are an idiot for staying with him.
He's full of empty promises and will cheat on you continuously for however long you are together.

Please have some self respect!

I posted this before reading your next post!

Please for the love of god leave him and let the police know you are doing so so that they can be prepared for any escalation.

You will end up being another woman killed by their boyfriend if you stay.

GreatTheCat · 29/04/2024 00:51

You're not stuck. Make plans to leave him.

Thedreamer28 · 29/04/2024 00:52

Please leave him. You are strong and you can do this. You are in control and don't let anyone treat you like this. This isn't love. People who love eachother do not do this to the person they love. Please do the right thing for yourself and leave him. Block him.

TheShellBeach · 29/04/2024 00:53

He has knocked out at least 5 different men in the time I have known him. One was because I touched a stranger's arm in the pub very briefly whilst saying thank you for giving me something I had dropped. Another was his own dad. He is barred from all our locals pubs (pubwatch) for fighting.

This on its own is enough for you to leave him, quite apart from the endless cheating.

You need a reality check.

And an STI check.

Opentooffers · 29/04/2024 00:54

Block him right now on everything, if he could have a copy of your housekeys, get the locks changed.
You are clearly vulnerable and he spotted that from the start. You can claim you love him now ( its not, its trauma bonding) but you don't really have an excuse when he told you on the 2nd night he had someone else. Stop having false optimism that a man might chose you over someone else. That was the first time he tested you to see what you'd put up with.
I don't know what to say regarding the violence, nil is the only acceptable amount and its non-negotiable regardless of love.
Do not aim to date anyone else until your MH is far better than it was before you met him. Nobody should date in the first place if they don't have the resolve to walk away when lines are crossed, you should certainly not. Get counselling asap, you clesrly need help.

TheShellBeach · 29/04/2024 00:56

You need to do the Freedom Programme.

ClarabelleRose · 29/04/2024 00:57

Your latest post is really, really concerning OP. I am so very sorry that this man has reeled you in. It is time to cut him loose. He’s away now? End it now, whilst he’s away. Change your locks if you need to. Contact the police and make them aware of his behaviour towards you - it’s highly likely he’s known to them, perhaps with previous convictions. Call Women’s Aid too, they might be able to give advice.

There is nothing in what you’ve said that indicates love in any form. You don’t need to be stuck in this horrific, toxic relationship. You have the power to end it. Please don’t be another statistic.

Thisoldchestnut · 29/04/2024 01:42

Fmal! Do you have no respect for yourself at all? I'm gobsmacked that you're even entertaining this sparkling specimen! He has zero good qualities! Get a grip.

User364837 · 29/04/2024 01:48

Hmmm yeah it’s a tricky one.
I’d say on balance you probably can’t trust him…. 🤔 🙄

catnippy · 29/04/2024 02:06

You need to end this. He is dangerous. I really think that you need to do a Claire's Law request with the police, as there might be things that you need to know to keep yourself safe.

MMadness · 29/04/2024 02:25

Umm.

He continuously cheats and is violent.

What is so redeeming about him?

Do better for yourself.

MsDogLady · 29/04/2024 03:03

We are officially together now.

No, you aren’t.

@Faceissues, staying with this lying, controlling, violent, promiscuous thug is an exercise in self-harm. A life with him will be hell on Earth.

You’re playing a very dangerous game by pretending that his violence and barbaric behavior aren’t happening. You are allowing your mental health to be destroyed and are risking your physical health and safety, and indeed your life.

Get away from this monster, @Faceissues.

coxesorangepippin · 29/04/2024 03:14

He gets annoyed when I post on social media. Tells me I need to be constantly mindful of what I wear, my body language etc as it is a reflection of him.

^

Run

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2024 03:23

Come the fuck on. You're not "stuck." You are choosing to stay.

You have a serious YOU problem.

YOU are the source of all of your problems, and until you make the investment to figure out why the fuck your standards are so shockingly low, nothing will ever change. You will continue to make the same shit choices over and over and over and over.

Want better.

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