How do I trust him?

[Faceissues]

Hi all. I have been seeing someone for the last 8 months. Its quite a long story but I'll do my best to add the necessary details. When we first met he told me after the second night together that he had been seeing someone very casually for a few months and that it wasn't at all serious. He assured me he wasn't going to see her anymore and so we continued seeing each other. We have seen each other 4 or 5 times a week since then, I stay at his house roughly half the week and am deeply in love with him.

For the first 5 months or so, he would 'disappear' roughly once a month. It always turned out he had gone to see the woman he had met before me. Every time he said he loved me he was sorry and he wouldn't see her again..but it kept happening. We werent 'official' at this point but we had said we were going to be exclusive. (We are officially together now). He finally told her about me in January and they haven't seen each other since. I stupidly thought we could finally move on and everything was good for a while.

About 6 weeks ago he met someone on a night out and took her home (thursday) slept with her and then saw me the day after (Friday).The day after he went out with his friends again (saturday), met a woman who was 6 months pregnant in a club, took her home and slept with her. He told me about both of these women on the Sunday - promised again that he would not do it again, he wanted me, he loved me etc.

Fast forward to two weekends ago, he goes out with his friends, gets home at 2am and rings me to say he's home, he's in his bedroom and his (male) friends are downstairs on their own. This turned out to be a total lie, they had all met women that night at the club and took them back to his house. He had rang me to reassure me whilst having another woman downstairs. He slept with her. I sat at home all night anxious and worried and feeling like dirt as I had seen on his friends story that they had women there so I knew he had lied again. I finally got the truth out of him a few days later. He promised me he would never go near another woman again whilst he was seeing me. He said he had felt cold and uncaring all the other times but this time he had hated it and felt guilty and knew he wanted to change.

I stayed. Again. His dad is currently on holiday abroad with his new girlfriend and her family. He told me his dad had asked him to fly out for a week but that he wasn't going to. He then went to the pub that night, had a few drinks, changed his mind and decided he was flying out there the next day. He has been there for one day and I am an anxious wreck. He is reassuring that he is never going to do it again, I can trust him now - 'you know it's different this time', but honestly I'm a complete mess.

How can I possibly move forward and keep my mental health in tact here? I'm so in love with him but this has affected me alot. Thanks

This revolting specimen is pond life.

It’s actually great that he’s abroad - use this time to detach and make yourself safe, change locks, ask police for a disclosure (Claire’s law), google him, invest in a doorbell camera. Make a list of polite but detached responses in case he tries to worm his way back in (if not safe to block) xx

OP, read this back and imagine it was one of your friends. What would you tell them to do? He's a serial cheat, he's violent and aggressive.

You don't live together, you are not stuck.

End it, block him on everything and start working on yourself. Find out why you think you are not worth more than this.

I say this as a woman who stayed in an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years.

I read your first post and was going to say: you do not love this man, you love your idea of what it could be like with him, in the brief moments when he's shining his light on you. Leave him.

Then I read your second post about the violence and now my advice is: this is the sort of behaviour exhibited by men who go on to kill their partners. Run away, very quickly, and please if you can afford to, seek therapy to help you address the issues that have led you to believe that this is what you deserve from a "partner".

The answer is you can't trust him, nor should you even try.

He's awful.

the saddest part..is that you won’t leave him

I agree unfortunately- it’s incredibly difficult to leave an abusive Co dependent relationship.
There are women like you everywhere questioning themselves, in similar relationships and many posters on here recognise your situation because they’ve experienced this type of man themselves.

It might help to consider the following facts:
-abusive men can be lovely, charming, funny and loving. That doesn’t mean they’re not abusers

-It’s easy to confuse the adrenaline of an unstable relationship with love-the drama, the highs are heightened by the lows.

-being possessive and controlling is not a sign he loves you. It’s not romantic that he flies off the handle if a man looks at his Mrs or touches her arm in a pub

-it’s not healthy or normal to be careful what you say, act or wear in his company

-Coercive control is taken seriously- it is now a criminal offender carrying a custodial sentence
Threatening suicide is coercive control.

-women have their children taken into care due to the father’s anger issues. Think carefully about the future you want

-You can’t change him or save him, It’s romantic to love the idea of a tortured misunderstood soul- the reality is fucking awful.

-Love doesn’t conquer all. That’s only in romantic books or films. Love isn’t enough.

I hope some of this strikes a chord. You sound desperately unhappy.

This can't be real?! Raise your bar FFS.

I stayed. Again.

Why. There is nothing in your OP that I can see might give me any clues.

It’s only a matter of time before he hits you op.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions- why do you think this absolute arse of a man is all you deserve? You need therapy to work on your self esteem.

Hes shown you very early on what he is (a violent, unfaithful, manipulative piece of shit) yet you stay. Why?

He cheats on you all the time.
He is aggressive.
He is violent.
He has made threats to kill himself unless you do as you are told.

Er... what is it you love about this man?

By the way, he won't kill himself, but one of these days he might just end up killing you.

Run.

He’s a complete skank.
Wake up, OP.

You are absolutely not stuck with him.

If you'd been together 30 years, had 5 children, owned a house together and all your friends and family were interlinked I'd be saying it might be complicated and drawn-out by you aren't stuck with him.

In your case, there don't appear to be any children, financial, practical or legal ties. You haven't known him for very long. Literally no reason to stay with the lying, cheating, violent bully a day longer.

And you can't trust him, because he is fundamentally untrustworthy. And continues to prove that to you, again and again.

He won't ever change. Even if he did, surely he's already done too much damage? Anyone who treats you with such disdain and lack of care or respect as he does, isn't worth knowing.

Have some self respect, you get nothing out of this.

Why on earth do women put up with shit like this then come on here asking for advice , do they honestly think anyone in their right mind is going to advise them to stay with a dishonest dangerous liar not forgetting the icing on the cake - a 'little' bit of violence ?

I cannot believe what I’ve just read and you’re asking how to trust him… not one woman on this thread would trust a man like that or would want to. Let him go leave him and find someone that won’t dip himself into any one that’ll take his charm on a night out and sleep with him. You need to build yourself up and your self esteem your self worth your confidence the lot and how can you even cuddle or touch this man never mind get back into the same bed he’s had other women in while you’re “ exclusively” seeing him?. Have a word with yourself and bin him off asap.

Rationally you’ve only known him for 8 months- so that’s about 32 weeks and you’ve spent big chunks of that apart. He was still with his ex for much of that.

You still only see each other for half the week- he still goes off and does his own thing (drinking with the lads and pulling women every weekend by the sounds of it)

Try to keep perspective on what this is.
His words don’t align with his actions which is why you feel so insecure and fucked in the head, no matter what he says.