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Original poster

How do I trust him?

91 replies

Faceissues · 29/04/2024 00:20

Hi all. I have been seeing someone for the last 8 months. Its quite a long story but I'll do my best to add the necessary details. When we first met he told me after the second night together that he had been seeing someone very casually for a few months and that it wasn't at all serious. He assured me he wasn't going to see her anymore and so we continued seeing each other. We have seen each other 4 or 5 times a week since then, I stay at his house roughly half the week and am deeply in love with him.

For the first 5 months or so, he would 'disappear' roughly once a month. It always turned out he had gone to see the woman he had met before me. Every time he said he loved me he was sorry and he wouldn't see her again..but it kept happening. We werent 'official' at this point but we had said we were going to be exclusive. (We are officially together now). He finally told her about me in January and they haven't seen each other since. I stupidly thought we could finally move on and everything was good for a while.

About 6 weeks ago he met someone on a night out and took her home (thursday) slept with her and then saw me the day after (Friday).The day after he went out with his friends again (saturday), met a woman who was 6 months pregnant in a club, took her home and slept with her. He told me about both of these women on the Sunday - promised again that he would not do it again, he wanted me, he loved me etc.

Fast forward to two weekends ago, he goes out with his friends, gets home at 2am and rings me to say he's home, he's in his bedroom and his (male) friends are downstairs on their own. This turned out to be a total lie, they had all met women that night at the club and took them back to his house. He had rang me to reassure me whilst having another woman downstairs. He slept with her. I sat at home all night anxious and worried and feeling like dirt as I had seen on his friends story that they had women there so I knew he had lied again. I finally got the truth out of him a few days later. He promised me he would never go near another woman again whilst he was seeing me. He said he had felt cold and uncaring all the other times but this time he had hated it and felt guilty and knew he wanted to change.

I stayed. Again. His dad is currently on holiday abroad with his new girlfriend and her family. He told me his dad had asked him to fly out for a week but that he wasn't going to. He then went to the pub that night, had a few drinks, changed his mind and decided he was flying out there the next day. He has been there for one day and I am an anxious wreck. He is reassuring that he is never going to do it again, I can trust him now - 'you know it's different this time', but honestly I'm a complete mess.

How can I possibly move forward and keep my mental health in tact here? I'm so in love with him but this has affected me alot. Thanks

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 29/04/2024 09:37

OP how on earth can you be deeply in love with a violent, cheating, abusive man like this after such a short time? YOu need to leave for your own mental health AND safety and you should probably consider what is going on that after such a short time in a relationship you're accepting this from someone because I can assure you, that if you were emotionally healthy, you'd have djumped after the first time he lied to you.

WhamBamThankU · 29/04/2024 09:45

Please dump him. He won't stop cheating.

WrylyAmused · 29/04/2024 10:05

In 8 months, the supposed "honeymoon period", he's cheated on you at least 8 times (that you know of) with at least 4 different women (that you know of), 3 of which are random one night stands he met in a club/pub.

In addition, he's multiply violent, not just with you, but in so many different circumstances, and is jealous and controlling - which is undoubtedly a reflection of his own (lack of) morals/self-control and complete inability to keep it in his pants.

He's also wildly manipulative, as evidenced by the suicide threats.

LEAVE!
GO COMPLETELY NO CONTACT WITH HIM,
BLOCK HIM ON ALL CHANNELS AND SOCIALS.

If, for any reason, he does manage to get manipulative suicide threats through to you, you call the police on him for a welfare check. Every time he does it. He has zero intention of killing himself, but the only way to stop the manipulation is to make it clear that it doesn't work and brings trouble for him.

From everything you've said, he's absolutely appalling and no chance he's going to change.

Just leave. Seriously.

BodyKeepingScore · 29/04/2024 10:07

How do you trust him? I think the question is how could you trust him? He's cheated several times, he has no respect for you and he's not deserving of your trust. You say you struggle with your mental health... have you considered that your mental health is as poor as it is because you're with a lowlife scumbag who treats you like absolute crap? For your own sake walk away from this man and don't look back. He doesn't want to be with you.

Namechange666 · 29/04/2024 10:12

I didn't even get through the whole thread when I answered your op title.

Why would you want to trust him?

Don't kid yourself. He has been doing this throughout your entire time together.

He's like a dog with 2 dicks. Just get rid. Find someone who won't make you question yourself like this horrible specimen. Also please get a std test. He is not worthy of you or your mental health.

Namechange666 · 29/04/2024 10:14

Jesus, I just read your second post!

Surely no one is this desperate for a relationship.

Come on lovely, do yourself a bloody favour. Get rid of awful awful man. And get yourself some therapy. He is vile.

BillieTheFish · 29/04/2024 10:16

Faceissues · 29/04/2024 00:33

Thanks for the replies. I know I need to leave the situation and have some self respect. I keep hoping it will change but its obviously not going to. Even if he did mean it this time, I can never trust him. I'm worried, anxious and paranoid constantly and its making me behave out of character.

I should have added in my original post that he has been violent a number of times. He has never hit me but he has thrown glasses at the TV, punched holes in the walls, threatened to kill himself if I left (he put a rope around his neck in the garage/climbed onto the train tracks and held a knife to his throat). He has knocked out atleast 5 different men in the time I have known him. One was because I touched a strangers arm in the pub very briefly whilst saying thank you for giving me something I had dropped. Another was his own dad. He is barred from all our locals pubs (pubwatch) for fighting.

He gets annoyed when I post on social media. Tells me I need to be constantly mindful of what I wear, my body language etc as it is a reflection of him.

I didn't add about the aggression etc in my original post because honestly it scares me just thinking about it so I very stupidly pretend like it isn't happening.

I know this is a bad situation. I have my own mental health problems aside from this and have found myself stuck here.

I'm sorry but even with mental health issues of your own you know this isn't right and you are asking how to trust him? You know the answer, just do it. Good luck.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/04/2024 10:26

I was going to give you advice about what to do next time he puts a rope around his neck but on second thoughts don't want to get banned. He's no use nor ornament to you or any other woman.

BillieTheFish · 29/04/2024 10:28

neilyoungismyhero · 29/04/2024 10:26

I was going to give you advice about what to do next time he puts a rope around his neck but on second thoughts don't want to get banned. He's no use nor ornament to you or any other woman.

He decked his own dad!

This guy is a waste of space. OP how did you meet him? I can just visualise him and what he looks like. Usually those mugshots that you see in the Daily Mail in grey sweatshirts.

SmileyClare · 29/04/2024 10:32

It’ll certainly be a blessing if he ends up inside on a GBH charge.
I would say that’s inevitable if he’s regularly beating people up and is out and about in public carrying a knife.

fuckyourpronouns · 29/04/2024 10:38

Christ op. Firstly, I'm so sorry. No one should be in this position.

However.

He is away this week and has given you the opportunity to leave. So do it. Right now.
Pack up your stuff. Block his number and leave a note telling him never to contact you again. If he does, call the police.

And please, if you have t already done so. Tell
Someone irl. You need people supporting you xx

Chatonette · 29/04/2024 10:43

GTFO. You’re not in a monogamous relationship.

Emmylou22 · 29/04/2024 11:04

WOW. He's a piece of shit.

Dadjoke007 · 29/04/2024 11:07

I will always give the benefit of the doubt - make a mistake is fine but you need to prove that it was a one off and demonstrate why it wont happen again, but if happens then you walk! End of!

CleanShirt · 29/04/2024 11:46

Faceissues · 29/04/2024 00:33

Thanks for the replies. I know I need to leave the situation and have some self respect. I keep hoping it will change but its obviously not going to. Even if he did mean it this time, I can never trust him. I'm worried, anxious and paranoid constantly and its making me behave out of character.

I should have added in my original post that he has been violent a number of times. He has never hit me but he has thrown glasses at the TV, punched holes in the walls, threatened to kill himself if I left (he put a rope around his neck in the garage/climbed onto the train tracks and held a knife to his throat). He has knocked out atleast 5 different men in the time I have known him. One was because I touched a strangers arm in the pub very briefly whilst saying thank you for giving me something I had dropped. Another was his own dad. He is barred from all our locals pubs (pubwatch) for fighting.

He gets annoyed when I post on social media. Tells me I need to be constantly mindful of what I wear, my body language etc as it is a reflection of him.

I didn't add about the aggression etc in my original post because honestly it scares me just thinking about it so I very stupidly pretend like it isn't happening.

I know this is a bad situation. I have my own mental health problems aside from this and have found myself stuck here.

I had an ex like that. Ended up with him trying to kill me. Get out while you can x

desperatedaysareover · 29/04/2024 11:50

Rightio, sounds like you’ve got a couple of issues that predate your boyfriend. Have you got any friends, OP? Are they aware of any of this?

Telemakus · 29/04/2024 11:52

He's definitely going to change. Stick with it.

piscofrisco · 29/04/2024 12:06

Well obviously you don't try to trust him and you run as far and as fast as possible mate

NoFaceNoName · 29/04/2024 12:16

The saddest part of this thread is that I have no doubt at all that no matter what anyone here says, you aren’t going to leave him. You came here for advice on how to trust him, which is mind boggling. You clearly can’t and shouldn’t, you need to get the hell away from him and stay away. But I don’t think you’re there yet. Someone who was there wouldn’t be asking how they can change to make it all ok. You are going to continue making excuses for him and yourself until you break or you end up dead.

So in the meantime, please make sure he doesn’t move in, don’t get pregnant, get regular STD tests and hope you see sense before he kills you.

category12 · 29/04/2024 12:24

I wish people would be a bit kinder in their responses to someone who is living with violence and abuse.

She's not stupid or desperate, she's trauma bonded and scared of what he might do to her or himself. (And who knows what background she has to put her here.)

Op, if you're still there, please reach out to Women's Aid.

BillieTheFish · 29/04/2024 12:24

"How can I possibly move forward and keep my mental health intact here?"

Run like hell.
Tell him you don't see a future together. By message, not in person so he can't kick off.
Block him on everything.
Change the locks.
Report him to the police to flag up the punching, decking his dad, threatening to top himself and coercive control.
FORGET HIM.

Mitsky · 29/04/2024 12:26

Well you’ll probably end up dead if you stay so that should be a motivation…

Honestly work on your self and stay single for a while.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 29/04/2024 12:28

OMFG!! What the fuck is going on??!!!

Why are people putting up with this only 8 months in??

I thought we were getting somewhere with raising our standards for ourselves and the men we date, but reading these kinds of stories on a daily basis just makes me despair.

@Faceissues please, please get away from this man. Now.

InSpainTheRain · 29/04/2024 12:33

Obviously you can't trust him and he's not trustworthy. You need to leave him and find someone you can trust. Please stop setting your standards so low. And you don't low him - you just love the idea of what he could be (but never will be). Sorry to be harsh but he sounds awful!

ClickClickety · 29/04/2024 12:36

He's a scumbag. Get him out of your life. And get a STD check.