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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know if this is the right place to put it or not, but feeling sad

58 replies

Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:14

I know you must all be sick to death of my family nightmares, but been out with my mum tonight in a vain hope that I could improve things...big mistake! My dad is never going to forgive me, and tells mum he told me as much right at the start.

Love my dad & it makes me so sad. i know my dad loves me too, but we are drifting further &further away.

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BoysAreLikeDogs · 01/04/2008 23:16

PC no idea of your situation, so sorry to hear you are having a tough time

littlewoman · 01/04/2008 23:20

Good thing about this site is - there are always new ears to listen, PC. I don't know your history either, but hopefully someone will be along soon who does. Was it recently that you and your dad fell out? Sorry about the old chestnut, but time is a doctor.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:22

Thanks, BALD, just feeling really bad tonight. Wish I could just hate my dad, but I can't.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/04/2008 23:23

You've done nothing to require forgiveness PC.

Please stop seeking approval from parents who would only keep raising the bar anyway .

He doesnt need to forgive you. You dont need his forgiveness. He needs to get over himself and accept that you make your own decisions and for your own reasons. It is on his conscience if he can't - not yours.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:23

My dad hasn't and will not forgive me for ending my marriage.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:24

Mum said that dad said "I told her this would change things, and it has"

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/04/2008 23:24

Why should you hate him? You should just pity him. That might be hard to do - we all look up to our dads, but, ultimately - he has brought this on himself.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:26

Had a huge talk with mum. Took her out, paid for all drinks & a meal, just to try to put my point across.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:27

Love my dad, VVVQ. I really do, and wish I didn't.

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BoysAreLikeDogs · 01/04/2008 23:27

PC he has had to learn the hard way that you are an adult, and are free to make choices without permission or approval - from anyone.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:31

Mum said that he is as sad, but I don't feel I can even mention my new life in front of him. Mum agrees, saying he is as stubborn as me. Feel I am losing my dad rapidly.

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littlewoman · 01/04/2008 23:31

What was it slim22 said, somewhere else? You have to symbolically kill your father. Sorry if that seems flippant, it isn't meant to be, and it does make sense. We love our children, we do not own or control them, they are not an extension of us (like an arm or leg) to behave as we command.
Is it possible that, the more you tiptoe round him, the more indignant he will become anyway?

BecauseImWorthIt · 01/04/2008 23:33

Pinkchampagne you are not losing your dad, he is losing you. There is a huge difference.

Sadly I think you will have to walk away. He is never going to accept the situation. And maybe if you really do walk away that is the only thing that might make him reconsider.

Sorry things aren't improving.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 01/04/2008 23:50

What Because said.

Aww so for you

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 07:49

Mum said it is sad seeing us together as we are so distant. She said that dad said "She used to be my world, but I warned her this would happen" (Referring to when he threatened to wash his hands of me if I went through with the separation)
I know I am losing him, and have pretty much lost him already. I can't be controlled by him anymore - I am a grown up. Makes me very upset though.

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NotQuiteCockney · 02/04/2008 07:52

Is he controlling generally? Or is it just this separation?

Why do you think this particularly bothers him? Did his parents split? Did he want to leave your mother, but didn't (bitter at seeing someone else manage what he didn't?) or maybe he's worried she will leave him?

It's certainly very strange and unreasonable behaviour, and my heart goes out to you.

hecate · 02/04/2008 07:57

Well. Ok then. Go back to your husband and sacrifice your own happiness and play happy families in front of your dad.

Not appealing?

OF COURSE NOT!!!!! Honestly PC, you are a lovely lovely person to care so much. Your love for these people who, frankly, treat you like shite, shines through in your posts - but you HAVE to grow a pair my darling! For the sake of your sanity! You have the right to be happy and there comes a point when no matter how much you love someone, you have to accept that they are just not there for you. You hand this man power on a plate with a side serving of control and he is NEVER going to be happy with your choices, no matter how much you try to hide your current man, not mention your life etc etc..

It's like you're a tiny little puppy who keeps going with wagging tail to a master who kicks you in the face and sends you flying across the room. You pick yourself up, shake your hand and go back, tail wagging, for another kick in the face.

He is never going to pat you.

hecate · 02/04/2008 07:58

head, not hand, of course

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 08:00

His own parents stayed in a loveless marriage for the children, and dad thinks this is the right thing to do.
I think he has a lot of issues from his own childhood, but I can't help that. He can't control me anymore. I know that our separation was the right thing to do.

He has always been very controlling, NQC, and very dictorial.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 08:01

You're right, hecate.

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NotQuiteCockney · 02/04/2008 08:01

Ah, so there was going to be a split with him over something, eventually, then? Good that it's something big and important like this, then, at least.

I don't think PC is at any risk of going back to her marriage, not from what I'm reading - she just feels sad. Understandably.

LIZS · 02/04/2008 08:03

fgs he is an adult and could get over it if he decided to. Leave it as constantly seeking his approval will only make you miserable and feed his stubbornness.

hecate · 02/04/2008 08:11

Oh PC, y' poor sod.
I can't speak for anyone else of course, but to go back to your op, I for one am not going to get sick of you offloading about your relatives (family has a very different meaning from what you've got, imo.). I just think it's sad that strangers on the other end of a computer care about you and are there for you more than the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally. It must be so awful for you.

chonky · 02/04/2008 08:11

PC, I don't know much about your situation, but I do now how hard it is to accept that your parents won't change to be the people you want them to be.

You sound lovely and caring - please realise that no amount of effort on your part will change them, you can only change whether or not to have them in your life. If you do see them make sure it's on your terms.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 12:28

I know I will never change them. Was thinking about it all this morning at work, and even if dad is upset about all this, he is the one who has chosen to shut me off. Things don't have to be like this. Our relationship has changed because of the way he has treated me.

Mum asked if I felt I was losing my family, & I told her I did. Dad will only be ok around me while in a denial like state. He refused to open his birthday card last birthday because ex H's name wasn't on the card!

I can't go on like this anymore, and said to mum "What would happen if my relationship with my boyfriend moved on & we lived together? Nobody could deny his existence then, and I would definitely lose dad."
She said something about him being 67 next birthday - basically saying he will die at some stage & I would be free to do what I liked then! That is just outrageous!

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