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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know if this is the right place to put it or not, but feeling sad

58 replies

Pinkchampagne · 01/04/2008 23:14

I know you must all be sick to death of my family nightmares, but been out with my mum tonight in a vain hope that I could improve things...big mistake! My dad is never going to forgive me, and tells mum he told me as much right at the start.

Love my dad & it makes me so sad. i know my dad loves me too, but we are drifting further &further away.

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hecate · 02/04/2008 12:44

You are free to do what you like NOW. You are the one restricting your life. I really really hope that you will get to the point where you can live your life without tiptoeing round him. You don't owe them anything.

Last post from me on your thread because I fear I am starting to sound like I'm lecturing you!

Twinkie1 · 02/04/2008 12:48

PC - really feel for you but believe me my life is happier now that I have nothing to do with stepmonster and my sad excuse for a father - all I want in the world is for my kids to be happy and your father should feel like this too - don't feel guilty - he is shutting you out for someone who isn't even blood - his behaviour is appalling - yours on the other hand is admirable - you have been very brave making the decision to end a relatioship that wasn't making you happy some people (my father for one) never have the courage to do that!

Prufrock · 02/04/2008 13:21

Pc - if your father only loves you when you are doing as he wants then that isn't love, it's control.

I'm sure you probably have, but have you read Toxic parents? If you have, try re-reading it to remind you that it is your father being the one breaking down this relationship, not you.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 16:35

I haven't read the book Toxic Parents, but have heard it mentioned on here before. Apparently my dad does still love me, but cannot forgive me for "wrecking my marriage" (my parents words)

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Idefixx · 02/04/2008 16:56

I'm sorry: which Dad does not want to see his child happy? And if you are happier this way, why would he not be happy for you, if he truly loves you?

PC, we only have this one life and we are the ones who need to make sure it is a happy one. We cannot rely on others for that or do something just to please them, if it does make us unhappy. How is their life more important? How is your Dad's "happiness" (and I doubt that staying with your Ex would have made him "happy" - it would just not have made him UNhappy) more important than yours?

Where I come from, there is a saying: there was only one person who tried to be friendly to everyone and even work wonders...and he was crucified. So I don't even try...

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 17:17

Very true, Idefixx!

I mentioned to mum last night that my new man makes me happy. She even commented that I smile when I mention his name, so she must see that he makes me happy, so why can't they just be happy that I am happy? I am doing nothing bad or wrong, just getting on with my life.

She said it is hard because it changes everything in the family unit, which I do understand, but that is life. It is hard for everyone, I know, but they should accept I have a right to move on & be happy.

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Prufrock · 02/04/2008 17:34

Oh PC if you haven't read it please please do. It will be a life-changing experience for you. It was for me, and my parents faults pale into insignificance when I hear about yours. It's so amazing to have somebody writing about stuff and thinking "that was/is me" and realising that they are using your normality as an example of terrible parental behaviour

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 18:43

I will get myself that book, prufrock - sounds interesting.

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CarGirl · 02/04/2008 18:47

Oh PC, all this shows is that your Dad never really loved you, he loved the status that you gave him - IMHO.

Bug hugs.

Alexa808 · 02/04/2008 19:03

PC, very for you too. Power hug!!

How long has it been since you started going through separation and then since the divorce was finalized? You realize he is an older man and probably needs quite a bit of time adjusting. You have kids, no? He will want to love you, just because you've given him grand children. He has to admire that. You are probably right about issues in his own mind about his childhood (certainly hasn't made HIM a happy person that they stayed together) but I think the main thing is for him to realize that you are a grown up woman and emotional bullying will not make you give inand resolve this situation.

I think time is a great healer and as he gets older and more frail he will realize that in the end only love counts, how much you got and how much you give and all the nasty titbits and perceived slights will melt into oblivion. He cannot live vicariously (sry spelling) through you. You are your own person. I'm sorry it's so hard on you, but no book you read will make HIM see the truth. It can only help you deal with the effects on yourself and dc. I hope you'll find happiness when you let go. Things will fall into place with time.

Wishing you strength!

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 19:21

I don't know, CG. I think he does love me in his way, but he is (according to mum) a very messed up man himself due to his own childhood.

He says it took him ages to trust & like ex H, and once he did grow to like him, I walk out on my marriage.
He says he told me I would lose him if I went through with the separation, and this is what is happening.

It is all making me sadder now than ever because I really see no end to it.
I will not allow him to stop me getting on with my life, but I realise I must be prepared to lose him in the process.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 19:29

Thank you, Alexa. I hope things do fall into place in time.

We separated June 06, but didn't move into my own place until last May.
Two days after making the decision to separate, dad sat out in my garden with me & gave me the worse lecture. He told me I would lose him as a father if I went through with the separation, but would keep my dad if I stayed & did the "right" thing.
I knew I was doing the right thing in ending my marriage, so ignored his threats. He will apparently never forgive me.

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Janni · 02/04/2008 19:38

If you know you did the right thing to end your marriage then that is what matters and your dad will, in all likelihood, come to accept this over time. He might feel that the breakdown of your marriage in some way reflects badly on him or your family, so he is looking to 'keep up appearances'. My father very nearly didn't go to my brother's wedding because it wasn't being held in a Catholic Church. Ridiculous nonsense about 'letting the family down'.

All you can do is be friendly and civil and just wait. It's quite likely that another family 'crisis' of some sort will soon come along to take the pressure off you.

FAWKEOFF · 02/04/2008 19:39

((((((((((((hoooooge hugs))))))))))))))))))

As sad as it is you have to get on with your life, he is a selfish man to want you to live an unhappy life to humor him, dont let your mother manipulate the situation either x stay strong x

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 20:02

I know I need to get on with my life, and that is just what I am going to do.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 02/04/2008 21:13

Good for you PC.

It sounds like things are going well with your new man as well which is great.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 23:19

My new man is lovely, BIWI. I feel very lucky to have found him.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/04/2008 16:48

Seems that maybe my talk with mum the other night, did make her listen a bit. She has had a talk with dad & told him a lot of what I talked about. He was on the defensive & didn't want to listen, but he let her talk in the end. He agreed that we were distant & that is just how it is. He is still worried that accepting another man I am seeing would be the final nail in ex H's coffin, so isn't prepared to meet my new man yet. He did admit to loving me though, but said he can't give me a hug.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/04/2008 16:52

Mum apparently said to him "Think of how you felt when she was born & how much you loved her"
He said he still loves me, but can't forgive me.

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Blu · 03/04/2008 17:09

Huge sympathies PC.

"Mum agrees, saying he is as stubborn as me." - the thing is, you aren't stubbborn! You have time and time again looked to see how you can compromise, have one last try, put others feelings first, offered olive branches! Ironically the only way in which you are being 'stubborn' is a way your dad should appreciate. You are refusing to give up on a relationship with your Dad, no matter how childishly and controllingly he behaves! He should appreciate that! A less determined woman might well have let him out with the bathwater of the marriage if that was his attitude to you endng it!

It sounds really pathetic - like a toddler - refusing to open his card because it didn't have exH's name on it! What a ridiculous tantrum.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/04/2008 17:15

It was pathetic, Blu. I have had that happen twice too - once on father's day & once on his birthday. With the father's day card, he went into the study, got a pen & wrote ex H's name in the card himself!!

I am always described as stubborn. Mum said that she told him I was as stubborn as him.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/04/2008 17:17

He has it in his head that I ended my marriage because I went out with friends & probably messed around with other men!! Only just found that one out!

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Blu · 03/04/2008 17:42

What?

But didn't you or anyone tell him about things that exH actually DID? I'm sure you did.

He has chosen to live that ridiculous fantasy.

Unless exH managed to imply it.

God - and he sat exH down before your wedding and gave him a big lecture about not hurting you...and then blames YOU for busting the marriage when exH directed a constant stream of anger and unreasonable beahviour at you!

I think he only has one model in his head - women as objects for men to own - and to be on the look out for other men who will try and turn their silly heads.

LIZS · 03/04/2008 17:52

I think you are going to have to accept that he prioritises your ex-h , or rather perhaps an idealistic image of him and you together ahead of any relationship with you. For whatever reason he is not going to come round. He will eventually come to regret it, whether he admits it or not, but you have to move on in the interim .

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 03/04/2008 18:29

I told him everything, Blu. He told my sister that I was a liar & a drama queen, and told me no one else would put up with me. He never mentioned anything about suspecting I was going off with other men, but said I deserved to be hit when I was innocently walked to my house by that man. He said that mothers do not go out until late. His thinking was obviously that I had been off with other men, which is total nonsence! I never went off with any other men while with ex H, and wouldn't even meet up with men while we were separated, all the time we were still living under the same roof.
Dad was obsessively jealous with mum though. BIL is similar with my sister, but my dad was terrible.

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