Don't know if this is the right place to put it or not, but feeling sad

[Pinkchampagne]

I know you must all be sick to death of my family nightmares, but been out with my mum tonight in a vain hope that I could improve things...big mistake! My dad is never going to forgive me, and tells mum he told me as much right at the start.

Love my dad & it makes me so sad. i know my dad loves me too, but we are drifting further &further away.

I can't see things changing. I have pretty much lost any relationship I did have with my dad, and it does make me sad.
I think about how I would feel if anything happened to him. I still love my dad, but I feel uncomfortable around him. Can't see things getting any better.

I remember him saying that you deserved to be hit

I think the very sad truth is that despite your many olive branches, your dad has set his jib and through pride or stubborness or his own dysfunctional reasons, is seeing himself as the injured party somehow 'alas poor me with the wayward dd'.

It may be that time is the only thing that will make a difference. He told your Mum he loves you...one day he may show it again. Or he may not, but it's clear that you trying to bring him round is not working.

I was thinking about all this as I was tidying the kitchen the other night - your dad is like King Lear. You are the dd - Cordelia - who is innocent and follows what is true and right, however painful, and is cast out because your dad can't bear the truth. Your sister and BIL and exH are saying the things your Dad wants to hear, for thier own benefit, and he is favouring that. But in the end, he will find - to his cost or loss - what he has rejected.

And it IS a tragedy.
Luckily you have done all you can to remove your boys from the next episode and passing it all on.

I remember that too Blu.
PC, you have walked away from a mindset that says men should control women in marriage. It's clear from what you have said in the past that one of the reasons why your parents feel a connection and loyalty to your x is that while you were married to him, your relationship continued to validate the way your dad was brought up and the way your parents have lived in marriage.
You are breaking the pattern - a priceless gift for your boys, who are NOT going to be living with a mum who is controlled by male jealousy and dominance. Think of what that will mean for their future partners.
You are a brave and wonderful woman. It's going to take time for your dad to come round (sounds as though your mum has been helping with this ) to such a different PC, but if he is not proud of you then pretty much everyone else who knows your recent journey is XXX

How old are you PC?> I have a much better relationship with my dad now I can say things like

"Dad, when you were my age, you had a house, a car, a wife, a mortgage, a child and a promotion. You were in charge of up to 20 police constables per shift, and you were a man. You have admitted yourself that women are more mature than men - now do you really think, that at the age of nearly thirty, that if you don't ring me to remind me that lamb chops have to go in the fridge in July, that I will leave them out on the side until Sunday? When you know I used to be a cook? Really?"

And it reminds him that I am not 12.

King Lear is a VERY good comparison to make. I suggest you buy him a copy of it.

I am 35, colditz, so old! He can't control me like he did when I was a child, and he is not handling it well at all.

I know you are right - I can't change him, but maybe one day things will improve a little. I hope so anyway.

I was telling mum that I have an almost unhealthy way of barely flinching when I hear shock things from dad (like that day in the garden) - they will upset me deep inside, but I can hear the most shocking things, like how dad will reject me as a daughter, and just sit there thinking "What must the neighbours be thinking!" I am almost un-shockable now.

I have got through this week sad, but with no tears. Today I got uptight about DS2 not being confident in class, and it was like a cork popped in me, and I have cried & cried about I don't know what!

Hugs to you PC, please just make sure your sons are protected from such hideous beliefs as "women deserve to be hit"

I think I'm relieved I don't see my parents.

That hasn't been said since, CG, and neither of the boys were around when dad said it, thankfully.

Mum actually offered to baby sit so that I could go out with my boyfriend last night (don't think dad knew this was the reason boys were there), and as I left the house after picking up boys this morning, dad actually asked for a kiss.
Maybe it was a result of the talk mum had with him the other night. He has probably thought it over a bit. I know we are still miles away from him really accepting my new life, but it showed that maybe he doesn't really want to totally lose me, and does still love me.