Hi. Would appreciate some advice/support. I'm currently in the UK visiting my family (I'm from here). Live with DH in a major city in the US where we have lived for >2 years, his job is there and he has no desire to leave because of promotion opportunities. One DC who is not biologically his, at state school in the city and reasonably happy. I gave up my job to move and have had about a 40% paycut doing a remote job that facilitates DC school pickups etc, but I also look after all domestic/mental load. Our marriage has gone absolutely downhill in the past 12 months. Both in 30s but DH is a bit of a man-child who is always doing his hobby, very untidy, doesn't look after himself and moans constantly and sulks when we argue, which is more or more often. I have grown apart from him, I want stimulation/conversation and experiences and he just wants to sit on the sofa. We've had communication issues for probably 6 out of the 8 years of our relationship (got married 6 years ago) unfortunately but did a lot of counselling, unfortunately i think we have stayed together out of fear/codependency rather than real love. I left in January to a temp flat with DC and we almost formally separated/started divorce proceedings but both DH and I were just too overwhelmed/upset to go through with it, especially as neither of us have any support network in the city except for casual friends we know through work or school. We are financially pretty well off which has made it bearable as I can book weekends away/activities to distract from the sadness but it just seems hopeless. We don't talk, no sex in 10 months, we bicker. We are both so unhappy. Usually I catch DH sitting with his head in his hands for about 10 minutes after he wakes up. He says he is depressed. He drinks way too much when he does. He deserves better, and so do I. I feel ignored so often and I'm sure DC does too as DH is lethargic and doesn't do much with them at all, if ever. He wants a DC of his own and I just don't want one with him, I've known for a long time that I would be doing most of the work and that he's not mature enough. I think he does have ASD or perhaps similar issues, but it doesn't help to think that.
I left with DC for a visit home a week ago and it seems like a fog has lifted. In the US I am depressed, anxious and stressed. Here, I feel comfortable and I have been looking at schools, flats to rent, jobs near my family who live in a nice, affordable part of the UK. We would be worse off financially at least for a while but it's do-able and I have about 100k savings due to a lot of hard work when I was younger, if DH and I split stuff 50/50 I would retain these. It would be a clean break as we don't own property, no real assets except cash savings, no DC together.
WIBU to not return back to the US? I feel like if I go back, I might not be able to leave again - mentally, that is. I can't cope with the marriage going south overseas and maybe that's why I decided to come home recently. I could pop back for packing/moving easily and file for divorce there if that's the advice I get from a lawyer, but I just dont know, would it be incredibly bloody selfish of me? The thought of just staying here fills me with relief. I'm so scared neither of us will ever have the courage to leave. We sat on a park bench both crying about 2 months ago as we were yet again on the brink of divorce and yet it felt so sad. It's just not right. We love each other but we are just stagnating and making each other so unhappy. I love our life in the city sometimes, but even giving that up is surely worth peace of mind. Even losing the high salary doesn't seem so scary now I'm here. I know I would be able to make it work, with family and friends support. they all want me and DC home and know how unhappy I am.
Please advise, wwyd?