WIBU to not come back home to DH?

[elmsandsky]

Hi. Would appreciate some advice/support. I'm currently in the UK visiting my family (I'm from here). Live with DH in a major city in the US where we have lived for >2 years, his job is there and he has no desire to leave because of promotion opportunities. One DC who is not biologically his, at state school in the city and reasonably happy. I gave up my job to move and have had about a 40% paycut doing a remote job that facilitates DC school pickups etc, but I also look after all domestic/mental load. Our marriage has gone absolutely downhill in the past 12 months. Both in 30s but DH is a bit of a man-child who is always doing his hobby, very untidy, doesn't look after himself and moans constantly and sulks when we argue, which is more or more often. I have grown apart from him, I want stimulation/conversation and experiences and he just wants to sit on the sofa. We've had communication issues for probably 6 out of the 8 years of our relationship (got married 6 years ago) unfortunately but did a lot of counselling, unfortunately i think we have stayed together out of fear/codependency rather than real love. I left in January to a temp flat with DC and we almost formally separated/started divorce proceedings but both DH and I were just too overwhelmed/upset to go through with it, especially as neither of us have any support network in the city except for casual friends we know through work or school. We are financially pretty well off which has made it bearable as I can book weekends away/activities to distract from the sadness but it just seems hopeless. We don't talk, no sex in 10 months, we bicker. We are both so unhappy. Usually I catch DH sitting with his head in his hands for about 10 minutes after he wakes up. He says he is depressed. He drinks way too much when he does. He deserves better, and so do I. I feel ignored so often and I'm sure DC does too as DH is lethargic and doesn't do much with them at all, if ever. He wants a DC of his own and I just don't want one with him, I've known for a long time that I would be doing most of the work and that he's not mature enough. I think he does have ASD or perhaps similar issues, but it doesn't help to think that.

I left with DC for a visit home a week ago and it seems like a fog has lifted. In the US I am depressed, anxious and stressed. Here, I feel comfortable and I have been looking at schools, flats to rent, jobs near my family who live in a nice, affordable part of the UK. We would be worse off financially at least for a while but it's do-able and I have about 100k savings due to a lot of hard work when I was younger, if DH and I split stuff 50/50 I would retain these. It would be a clean break as we don't own property, no real assets except cash savings, no DC together.

WIBU to not return back to the US? I feel like if I go back, I might not be able to leave again - mentally, that is. I can't cope with the marriage going south overseas and maybe that's why I decided to come home recently. I could pop back for packing/moving easily and file for divorce there if that's the advice I get from a lawyer, but I just dont know, would it be incredibly bloody selfish of me? The thought of just staying here fills me with relief. I'm so scared neither of us will ever have the courage to leave. We sat on a park bench both crying about 2 months ago as we were yet again on the brink of divorce and yet it felt so sad. It's just not right. We love each other but we are just stagnating and making each other so unhappy. I love our life in the city sometimes, but even giving that up is surely worth peace of mind. Even losing the high salary doesn't seem so scary now I'm here. I know I would be able to make it work, with family and friends support. they all want me and DC home and know how unhappy I am.

Please advise, wwyd?

If your DC isn't biologically your DH's then I can't see any reason to worry about access and you'd clearly be much happier here. Consult a solicitor just incase before telling your DH but really, if 6 out of 8 years of your marriage have been unhappy then I can't see any reason to keep going. Get a divorce and get on with your life

Well, OP, divorce is sad, in the sense that what was once a loving relationship has changed and things aren’t happy any more. I think you’re just going to have to accept that. But it happens, and when it does it’s best to be able to move on and try to make the best of what remains. It sounds as though when all the dust has settled you and your STBEx may still be able to speak, and may choose to stay in touch.

I agree with others who’ve suggested that you should stay here in the UK now, since it sounds like you’re planning to divorce (you’re seeing a lawyer) and you’ll be moving back to the UK when that happens.

My concern would be your DC not having a chance to say goodbye to your (currently) DH. I know they’re not his children, but if they’ve been with him a long time there may be a bond and suddenly leaving him may be a shock. If not then that will make things easier, but it’s something you should consider.

I hope all goes as well as possible for you.

I'd phone and say to him that being back home with your family has helped you to come to the decision that you are utterly miserable with him in the USA and therefore you are not returning. He's aware you are unhappy, there is no sexual relationship and he sounds as unhappy as you. You are clinging to each other for fear of the unknown rather than any desire to be together.

Good luck.

Another vote to stay. I was initially confused and thought that one of children was his, but if they're both his stepkids, then you won't get in legal trouble. It is hard, but you have to rip off the bandaid.

I think there is only one kid.

However, if she is year 4 and the relationship has lasted 8 years I guess she has only ever known him to be her father figure even if she isn’t biologically his. OP how will she react to possibly never seeing him again? Do they have a good relationship?

Ah, sorry. My reading comprehension clearly sucks this evening. You also raise a good point about her losing a father figure.

Stay here, OP.

Your DD may end up seeing your STBXH again, once the dust settles. But start to look for a school place and GP and the various things you would need to do to settle here.

Stay here. Don't go back. Your daughter will be fine. Tell her about gardens and dogs and playing with her cousins. She will be fine. You're already separated. Just go for it. You have one life.

The OP didn't actually say her child would miss her step father - it is assumed she will.

what the OP said was:

' she has about 2 more months of school left, birthday parties, she wanted to go to Disney and continue her gymnastics club.... '

and the positives are

'she is super close to her cousins here and we could move down the road from them as well as near my mum who she also loves. She is a country girl but has always lived in cities, has always wanted a dog and a garden, i know those things arent everything but I could give her that here.'

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I know, that's why I asked about their relationship. I didn't assume that was the case. If they have a very strong bond I would take that into consideration too. Maybe not entirely base my decision on that but it would definitely be considered.

I know is very tempting to stay but I would go back to give your daughter the opportunity of end the school year and end the tenancy etc.
It is just two months and will make a difference to her.

I don't agree, I think these situations which have been simmering away for ages require swift action. I think that this is OP's Damacus moment, she sees the situation for what it is and she is best acting on it at once. I think the sooner she sets things in motion for their new life in the UK, the better. I think it would be almost cruel to drag the daughter back just for two months.

It's obvious that your marriage has come to an end but I think just not going back would be an extremely shitty thing to do. Does he really deserve that?

Go back and finish things. Give your DC a chance to say goodbye to their friends and exchange contact details with parents of children he would like to stay in contact with.

I’m going to go against others & say I think you should go back. Not to stay but to see your DH, tell him what you plan to do, discuss split & what will happen & then move back to U.K. it sounds dead but I would want to sit down, finish it & discuss what happens next.

The OP tells us several times how she feels / and will feel if she goes back, clearly she now realises that she feels much stronger in this country.

and below is why she should stay here.

' We've had communication issues for probably 6 out of the 8 years of our relationship (got married 6 years ago) unfortunately but did a lot of counselling, unfortunately i think we have stayed together out of fear/codependency rather than real love.

I left in January to a temp flat with DC and we almost formally separated/started divorce proceedings but both DH and I were just too overwhelmed/upset to go through with it '

and

' I feel like if I go back, I might not be able to leave again - mentally, that is. I can't cope with the marriage going south overseas '

and

' But again, if we go back, i am confronted with the terribly sad situation with me and DH and I know that affects her too.'
' I left the temp flat to make another go with DH (out of fear/sadness) and I regret it. '

and

' Divorce has been brought up so many times. We have separated. '

Could you go back to pack etc but leave your daughter here? That way you wouldn't be guilt tripped into staying x

I think you should stay here in the UK as you have already seen how much happier you could be here. No need to return to the US.

Your child is not even your DH's biological child, and not legally his so no problem there, I don't think. That decision is yours to make. It doesn't even sound like they have much of a bond really.

You and DD can still go on a holiday to Disneyland in years to come once the dust from all of this has settled and the divorce is through. You won't even have to see DH. He won't need to know.

I disagree. It is two months during which OP would most likely be guilt tripped into staying (against her better judgement) and would regret it.

Two months of DD's schooling is a small price to pay for them both to be so much happier back here in the UK. Plus OP will be registering her with a school over here asap.

OP, there's a reason why you feel the fog has lifted. That is because it has, and that is telling you what the right decision is in this situation.

What you are feeling regarding your husband is natural because the end of a relationship is always sad. It hasn't worked out though, and it is time to move on now.

I think you can put down a deposit on a rental flat near where you want to live, then go back and tell DH you’ve done this because you are going to move back permanently. I think you owe each other that last conversation, you owe yourself and your DD the chance to leave the US as finished business, and you owe your DH not to present him with a bombshell over the phone that he’ll have to deal with alone - you have your family to support you, he has nobody there and you undertook some level of duty to each other by marrying. It just sounds like neither of you can take that final step. You take it. Put the deposit down and have it there to look forward to. Two months will fly by. Just not going back is a really disproportionate thing to do, imo.

It’s a massively shitty thing to do to your dd to give her no closure on her life in the States. This happened to my DH when he was 9 (sudden work related international move decided on by his parents) and it really screwed him up. Go back (to an Airbnb if better), let her finish the school year and say goodbye to her friends and her life.

Leave the daughter in the UK all sorted for school etc and take a brief holiday to US - fore warning husband that you have decided to separate. Stay only as long as it takes to finalise job, personal effects and to tell husband in a respectful manner.

You really should get legal advice before doing anything this drastic. A divorce is one thing but simply deciding not to return isn't in your best interest from a legal standpoint. Especially if you have a child or children.

How long has he been in your child’s life, do they have a relationship? If so it would be cruel on them both if you didn’t facilitate visits for them (though you are under no legal obligation to do so)

@elmsandsky

He would be so crushed if we didnt return, he keeps messaging me that he misses us, but I dont miss him. DC hasnt wanted to talk to him, etc.

There's your answer.

I'm sure he misses you, but probably more in a "half way house" way, because neither if you have drawn a proper close to the current relationship. Your child will get used to being in the UK, especially as she's close to her cousins, your mother, etc and you can research some club activities for her in the UK.

You don't want children with him because you don't love him enough to legally tie yourself to him, in his own country for many years - wise decision.

Yes get legal advice about next steps and any unforeseen pitfalls but it really sounds like making the break formal and permanent would be best for both parties - and, no doubt, he'll find someone else to share his life with, have his babies etc.

Maybe whilst you're still here research some of the admin you'll need to make this all happen plus researching how to ship your and DD's stuff back to the UK.

Good luck surveyor be future OP. 🌹

In your position I absolutely wouldn’t go back. Big up the positives to your dd.