WIBU to not come back home to DH?

[elmsandsky]

Hi. Would appreciate some advice/support. I'm currently in the UK visiting my family (I'm from here). Live with DH in a major city in the US where we have lived for >2 years, his job is there and he has no desire to leave because of promotion opportunities. One DC who is not biologically his, at state school in the city and reasonably happy. I gave up my job to move and have had about a 40% paycut doing a remote job that facilitates DC school pickups etc, but I also look after all domestic/mental load. Our marriage has gone absolutely downhill in the past 12 months. Both in 30s but DH is a bit of a man-child who is always doing his hobby, very untidy, doesn't look after himself and moans constantly and sulks when we argue, which is more or more often. I have grown apart from him, I want stimulation/conversation and experiences and he just wants to sit on the sofa. We've had communication issues for probably 6 out of the 8 years of our relationship (got married 6 years ago) unfortunately but did a lot of counselling, unfortunately i think we have stayed together out of fear/codependency rather than real love. I left in January to a temp flat with DC and we almost formally separated/started divorce proceedings but both DH and I were just too overwhelmed/upset to go through with it, especially as neither of us have any support network in the city except for casual friends we know through work or school. We are financially pretty well off which has made it bearable as I can book weekends away/activities to distract from the sadness but it just seems hopeless. We don't talk, no sex in 10 months, we bicker. We are both so unhappy. Usually I catch DH sitting with his head in his hands for about 10 minutes after he wakes up. He says he is depressed. He drinks way too much when he does. He deserves better, and so do I. I feel ignored so often and I'm sure DC does too as DH is lethargic and doesn't do much with them at all, if ever. He wants a DC of his own and I just don't want one with him, I've known for a long time that I would be doing most of the work and that he's not mature enough. I think he does have ASD or perhaps similar issues, but it doesn't help to think that.

I left with DC for a visit home a week ago and it seems like a fog has lifted. In the US I am depressed, anxious and stressed. Here, I feel comfortable and I have been looking at schools, flats to rent, jobs near my family who live in a nice, affordable part of the UK. We would be worse off financially at least for a while but it's do-able and I have about 100k savings due to a lot of hard work when I was younger, if DH and I split stuff 50/50 I would retain these. It would be a clean break as we don't own property, no real assets except cash savings, no DC together.

WIBU to not return back to the US? I feel like if I go back, I might not be able to leave again - mentally, that is. I can't cope with the marriage going south overseas and maybe that's why I decided to come home recently. I could pop back for packing/moving easily and file for divorce there if that's the advice I get from a lawyer, but I just dont know, would it be incredibly bloody selfish of me? The thought of just staying here fills me with relief. I'm so scared neither of us will ever have the courage to leave. We sat on a park bench both crying about 2 months ago as we were yet again on the brink of divorce and yet it felt so sad. It's just not right. We love each other but we are just stagnating and making each other so unhappy. I love our life in the city sometimes, but even giving that up is surely worth peace of mind. Even losing the high salary doesn't seem so scary now I'm here. I know I would be able to make it work, with family and friends support. they all want me and DC home and know how unhappy I am.

Please advise, wwyd?

You feel sad as you grieve a shared life of what might have been. You have to let go of the fantasy and realise that the reality (from what you have said), is never going to match that fantasy.

You have seen how things could be whilst in the UK. If you want the kind of relationship your sister has, you need to take positive action. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem you will have this with your current husband.

I absolutely think you should move back to the UK with your DD.

I absolutely do not think you should end your marriage by phone call, nor deprive your child of the chance to finish the school year and say goodbye to her friends.

I would return to the US, have the conversation immediately on returning, and then proceed in a compassionate but firm way.

I would of course say different if there was abuse involved but in this case it's seems to be just that you're not suited to each other. You can be the adult here and end things in a way which respects his feelings without taking responsibilty for fixing them.

Posters suggesting DD goes back to finish the year - it will be much better long term if OP can secure a UK address and hopefully get her DD into a UK school before the end of the summer term. Over the holidays it will be much harder for her to contact schools about places etc.

DD absolutely does need to go back and say goodbye, but this can happen eg during a May half term visit

@elmsandsky

What did you decide ?

I would make a clean break now and stay in the UK.

There's no point dragging it out by going back to the US.

If you do, you will very likely end up staying with him and end up prolonging the unhappiness, like you did the last time you tried to split.

Rip the plaster off now.

Hi all. I stayed in the UK and found a house locally and put dc in the local school. H was absolutely devastated. Dc wants to stay in the UK albeit misses their friends, but when i sat down and gently said this would mean me and H getting a divorce, they cried and were so upset it was heartbreaking. I am back now to pack up my and dc stuff (without dc) and I am in pieces about the reality of this, that our life there is over, and that i don't know if i did the right thing. Me and H both cried so much yesterday before he went away for a few days to give me space. We agreed we had both let stupid arguments get in the way of what we once had, but that we were not sure that it could ever be better, too much as happened. H said that he really misses dc and wants to still be in their life. I just dont know if this is incredibly selfish of me and i might be ruining my own life. I can only hope that my instinct was the right one. I do love the little house we found in the UK and my family have been incredible, so thats something.

Oh bless you. I’ve wondered what you’d do and yes it’s not my life but from the situation you outlined I think you’ve made the right decision.
sometimes it’s ok to love someone and also recognise that they’re not the right person for close quarters relationship.

it’s early days… when the dust settles I think you’ll be much much happier.
wish you a lovely summer.

It sounds as if you’ve done the right thing. The summer will hopefully make everything feel better.

I think your instinct is the right one, and i think when you have finished packing and get on the plane home there will be a huge sigh of relief.

personally I would make sure I was packed and gone whilst he is still away, you are just upsetting each other.

I agree with the others tbh. It's clearly over and it is sad. Even leaving an abusive 20 marriage, my overwhelming feeling at the time (and most of the time since) is sadness. But it's not a reason to stay miserable. Create the life you yearn for then perhaps you and your current partner will be able to salvage friendship at least.

It’s natural to be sad, OP. It’s always going to be sad when you break up with someone who’s not vicious, not horrible — just not right for you. And you have been trying to make it work for a long time.

But you’re doing the right thing. For yourself, for DC, and even perhaps for your ex if it spurs him to reassess his life.

I wish you all the best of luck xx

OP, the move was for your H’s job’s benefit. It’s very hard to give up your own job, 69% of your own income unless your marriage is rock solid, your ‘all’ , and the new life as a trailing spouse more than compensates fir what you gave up.

You were bickering. Not having sex. Much as they miss each other your H’s interactions with your dc were not all they could be.

You did a brave bold thing putting your life back together in the UK, and you are young. Great time to make a new beginning .

Doesn’t mean no sadness, but sadness is an honest emotion and healthier than resentment and seething bitterness of a bickering relationship in an unsatisfactory life.

Well done, Op. you did the right thing and I’m glad you found a school quickly:

It will be sad and it will hurt, but you will heal stronger.

You have made the right choice, not the easy one but the one which will ultimately be best for you and your dc.

It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to grieve for the relationship that you had, it’s ok to remember the good times.
Sometimes the right thing to do is the tough thing. I think you made the right decision, you wouldn’t want your lovely child to grow up thinking this is how relationships are would you?
Give yourself time to grieve and then fill your life with new stuff.

I think you know in your heart you want to stay here? Have you noticed a difference in your child since you came back? Likely they also feel relieved to be out of a difficult situation as it sounds like it was not working and believe me, children pick up on these things. Sounds like you are better off here with your support network around you. Good luck I hope it all works out for you and your DC.

I'd stay in the UK. Better to do it right now as it will have less effect long term on your daughter. Year 4 isn't too bad to move a child.. in the coming years it would have more of an effect if you uprooted her. But at her age right now she could adapt well and start again. If you know its not working with him and you need to leave.. Do it now not later. Stay in the UK. Stay near your family and take all the help abd support you can get.

Stay in the UK. File for divorce in UK.

Well done op. I do think that you made the right choice. You are one brave woman. 💐💐💐

Brave woman. Of course you are sad but he is full of words, not actions.
He knew well he needed to invest more in the relationship but did nothing solid to improve things.
You gave up a huge amount to go with him.
He never did anything with your child but is now wanting to keep in touch?
He's a talker, nothing else.
You are very brave and have done the right thing in moving forward.