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Would this annoy you and how to approach

65 replies

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 14:58

I’d love some gentle but honest, constructive advice please

My partner and I have been together for 12 years, we are both early 30s. No kids. We have both, always had busy social lives, sometimes with other ‘couple’ friends and sometimes with our own individual groups. All good, no problems there. We both enjoy going out, having a few drinks, day trips etc albeit a few of my close friends don’t drink so my social life does not revolve around alcohol as much as his but, either way, we generally have no problem.

One thing that always really frustrates me though is my partners lack of drive when it comes to saving for a holiday. I love going on holiday, and with a healthy household income (and no child expenses) we can comfortably afford to go abroad twice a year.

In the last 5 months I have unfortunately had 2 miscarriages, the second of which (earlier this month) was particularly traumatic for reasons which I won’t go into. But there were complications.

My partner was so incredibly supportive throughout. When we thought I was having a miscarriage, he made it very clear that we both need a break and we could go on a long holiday together in May/june. I then suggested some dates, was ready to book and he tells me that he doesn’t have the money (we split the cost of everything, we don’t have joint finances and this works well for us).

My main annoyance though is that he always has the money for everything else. He follows a sport 3/4 times a month which involves travel, an expensive day of eating and drinking before coming back home. It’s easy to spend £2-300 per day on this alone as, having followed the sport with him on a couple of occasions I have too spent the same.

He is in every other way an excellent partner.

Would this annoy you? What would you suggest?

OP posts:
loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 14:59

maybe he’s not in to holidays as much as you

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:00

how much was the holdidy going to cost?

DolceGustoooohCoffee · 28/04/2024 15:01

I would have paid for him if I felt it that important, and of course able to financially, then ask he refund the money when able to.
If that fails, both save up for a couple of months and book for later in the year when finances allow you both to travel.
It's not difficult.

Edit to add, no, it wouldn't annoy me.

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:02

@loverofbestbuy When he’s abroad though, he loves the holiday. He always tells me that he can’t wait to go away again, and in any event, it was his suggestion to go away this time following our recent events.

in fact last year when he completed his tax return and realised what his true income was for the year, he was horrified that the only true memory he had of the year was 1 holiday.

OP posts:
Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:03

Holiday around £800 each

OP posts:
loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:04

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:03

Holiday around £800 each

and who came up with this holiday?

when he suggested… perhaps he was thinking of something much cheaper

£800 for an abroad summer holiday and a long one at that? That is worryingly cheap!

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:04

DolceGustoooohCoffee · 28/04/2024 15:01

I would have paid for him if I felt it that important, and of course able to financially, then ask he refund the money when able to.
If that fails, both save up for a couple of months and book for later in the year when finances allow you both to travel.
It's not difficult.

Edit to add, no, it wouldn't annoy me.

Edited

That is what we do - I have a 0% finance credit card and we pay it off monthly. We use this for the points / cash back and protection it provides.

It just frustrated me that after recent horrific events it was his suggestion, for him to then tell me he can’t afford it. But I can guarantee he has spent around £1k socialising this month.

OP posts:
loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:05

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:02

@loverofbestbuy When he’s abroad though, he loves the holiday. He always tells me that he can’t wait to go away again, and in any event, it was his suggestion to go away this time following our recent events.

in fact last year when he completed his tax return and realised what his true income was for the year, he was horrified that the only true memory he had of the year was 1 holiday.

sorry i really don’t understand this! do you mean in terms of what he spent his money on?

how old are you both?

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:06

@loverofbestbuy he suggested the holiday, I asked what his budget was and then picked where to go. Well within budget.

off topic slightly so I won’t spend too much time addressing it, but £1.6k for a couple to go abroad for 10 days all inclusive is roughly what we’ve always spent.

OP posts:
loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:06

he suggested a holiday op

did you discuss budget?

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:06

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:06

@loverofbestbuy he suggested the holiday, I asked what his budget was and then picked where to go. Well within budget.

off topic slightly so I won’t spend too much time addressing it, but £1.6k for a couple to go abroad for 10 days all inclusive is roughly what we’ve always spent.

bloody hell that must be out of season

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:07

how long ago did he suggest a holiday?

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:08

who earns more?

DolceGustoooohCoffee · 28/04/2024 15:10

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:06

bloody hell that must be out of season

Not at all, that's double what me and DP spend to go away for two weeks in mid June - late august in Tenerife, Lanzarote, Murcia (our last 3 holidays)

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:11

DolceGustoooohCoffee · 28/04/2024 15:10

Not at all, that's double what me and DP spend to go away for two weeks in mid June - late august in Tenerife, Lanzarote, Murcia (our last 3 holidays)

all inclusive?

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:16

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:04

That is what we do - I have a 0% finance credit card and we pay it off monthly. We use this for the points / cash back and protection it provides.

It just frustrated me that after recent horrific events it was his suggestion, for him to then tell me he can’t afford it. But I can guarantee he has spent around £1k socialising this month.

i have just seen that he’s spent £1k socialising

How much does he earn?
most of this socialising with you?
Does he have any savings at all?

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:34

@loverofbestbuy im not sure if you’re trying to help or not but lots of your questions are either answered in the op (age, situation re socialising) or irrelevant

in terms of income, we have a high income, both earning roughly the same (give or take £1-2k a year)

OP posts:
loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:37

so does he have any savings? ie not for holidays but generally

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:38

the £1k socialising… drinking? anything else? does this include his sporting interest and travel?

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:43

but for someone on a high income
spending £1k month on socialising
can’t get together £800 for a holiday

is concerning

presumably he’s not saved anything in preparation for a family?

DolceGustoooohCoffee · 28/04/2024 15:49

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:11

all inclusive?

Yes

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:51

could you link to hotel please? two weeks all inclusive and flights for 2 adults for £800 in the summer time is 😮

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/04/2024 15:52

I'd find it annoying to happen repeatedly. And I'd go on holiday without him!

The best way with savings is to have the required amount leave your current account immediately after pay day, to go into a separate savings account. I'd have a conversation about doing that - what's the optimum number of holidays for us, what's the budget, what does that equate to per month.

To be honest I think you'd need a bigger conversation about attitudes to money, especially if you're planning a family. Are you going to make yourself financially vulnerable with a man who can't plan his money?

SweatpantPotato · 28/04/2024 15:55

What about making a combined savings account just for excursions and trips? Just on auto draft from your regular accounts on the first of the month or something?

Inforapenny2 · 28/04/2024 15:56

@DisplayPurposesOnly thanks for your advice. I think you’re right - perhaps when we put our share into the joint account each month to pay the bills, we should factor a holiday or 2 into the bills too and put an extra bit of money into the joint account.

I definitely won’t leave myself financially vulnerable. I have a well paid career, well paid maternity leave and I will be returning to work after having a child. I’ve read too many horror stories to do anything otherwise. My career prospects will eventually mean that, in time, I can potentially earn double or triple more than my partner.

I think it’s just a frustration that it was his idea to go away and I’ve been let down. I’m generally tough, but what we have been through over the last month has truly been traumatic.

OP posts: