Would this annoy you and how to approach

[Inforapenny2]

I’d love some gentle but honest, constructive advice please

My partner and I have been together for 12 years, we are both early 30s. No kids. We have both, always had busy social lives, sometimes with other ‘couple’ friends and sometimes with our own individual groups. All good, no problems there. We both enjoy going out, having a few drinks, day trips etc albeit a few of my close friends don’t drink so my social life does not revolve around alcohol as much as his but, either way, we generally have no problem.

One thing that always really frustrates me though is my partners lack of drive when it comes to saving for a holiday. I love going on holiday, and with a healthy household income (and no child expenses) we can comfortably afford to go abroad twice a year.

In the last 5 months I have unfortunately had 2 miscarriages, the second of which (earlier this month) was particularly traumatic for reasons which I won’t go into. But there were complications.

My partner was so incredibly supportive throughout. When we thought I was having a miscarriage, he made it very clear that we both need a break and we could go on a long holiday together in May/june. I then suggested some dates, was ready to book and he tells me that he doesn’t have the money (we split the cost of everything, we don’t have joint finances and this works well for us).

My main annoyance though is that he always has the money for everything else. He follows a sport 3/4 times a month which involves travel, an expensive day of eating and drinking before coming back home. It’s easy to spend £2-300 per day on this alone as, having followed the sport with him on a couple of occasions I have too spent the same.

He is in every other way an excellent partner.

Would this annoy you? What would you suggest?

Book and go on holiday without him. His attitude to missing out will tell you what you need to know, he'll either start setting money aside to do things together or he'll keep behaving like a single man.

I'll be honest though, he sounds like the sort who will leave you to do all things kids while he continues weekends away and days out with the lads to watch football and in no way alter his lifestyle if you have children together

Absolutely something to consider, thank you for your advice.

https://www.tui.co.uk/destinations/packages?airports%5B%5D=MAN%7CNCL%7CGLA%7CEDI%7CLCY%7CLGW%7CLHR%7CLTN%7CSEN%7CSTN&units%5B%5D=&when=17-06-2024&until=&flexibility=true&monthSearch=false&flexibleDays=3&flexibleMonths=&noOfAdults=2&noOfChildren=0&childrenAge=&duration=1015&choiceSearch=true&searchRequestType=ins&searchType=search&sp=true&multiSelect=true&room=&isVilla=false&reqType=&sortBy=#3621431f74a4616c6a4d748ac4b6b4d352a5b395

Look it up for goodness sake and while you’re at it the read the bloody thread instead of asking questions that have already been answered.

I should have said first, I'm very sorry for your hardships 🧡
If he's a profligate spender though and spends so much time on his hobby do you think he's ready for a child? This pattern may continue as you build your family.

I think this is the way forward @Inforapenny2 it would save any frustration.

just filtered m
and not a single one even close to £400 per adult for 2 weeks AI including flights for any fortnight between mid June-Laye August

not even remotely close

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams I do understand how he’s coming across and I’m absolutely not justifying his behaviour - just keeping things fair in the interests of everyone seeing the full picture.

The moment we found out I was pregnant (both times) we both started intense saving, he stopped going out quite so much to save, and he also thought it was unfair to drink when I am not able to. As i say, we both have incredibly healthy social lives so I don’t begrudge him seeing his friends whatsoever as I see mine just as frequently.

He absolutely knows that his life will change when he has children and the plan is for him to work part time, when the time comes, and I return to work full time. This is a mutual decision.

I suppose it just bothers me that there is always money in his pot for social events and luxuries (drinking, following his sport, fun activities, buying designer clothes) but no money in his pot for holidays. At first I assumed it was because he didn’t enjoy them so much, but he insists that he loves being away and even speaks about buying a holiday home.

yes that’s what i’m wondering

there’s a wider concern

ah so he does have savings for family
that’s good!

Thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say 💕

I have no doubt that he’s and I are both ready for a child - he changes his life when the time is right (see my previous post). He’s such a good man, but this is a real pet peeve of mine!

@MrsPuckle You’re absolutely right, thank you. Definitely something to discuss.

if he’s such a. good man
he will understand your disappointed trent if you talk to him
and rally the money i am sure

I think it’s just a frustration that it was his idea to go away and I’ve been let down. I’m generally tough, but what we have been through over the last month has truly been traumatic.

I think it would be a good idea to book yourself into a nice hotel for a long weekend. One with a pool and some nice facilities where you can chill without responsibilities. If he can't come, never mind

I hear you, OP, would be disappointed in his selfishness and unreliability. What would I do? Go away on my own.

@DisplayPurposesOnly Really good idea - thank you. At the moment, after what I’ve gone through, it’s a struggle between having a physical break and mentally taking a break, if that makes sense. My approach at the moment is that I physically need a break, but mentally I need to keep myself busy as I use ‘down time’ to overthink and get myself worked up. I hope, with the right support I can have that ‘mental break’ too. But this is ultimately why I didn’t want to take a break alone.

I would say to him, 'I'm really upset that you haven't thought about cutting down on your personal spending to save for a holiday abroad. It was your suggestion that we both needed this, and I feel that after what I've been through this was something I was pretty much clinging to as a 'nice thought' after a really traumatic time. It feels pretty selfish, to be honest, that you were prepared to spend all the money you have done on your sport when the consequence is that you now can't afford to go abroad with me. It makes me feel I'm quite a long way down your priorities list'.

@Greywitch2 excellent wording, thank you

It does sound like he isn't an arsehole. He's a decent enough man, who will probably be quite upset at the idea that this is how he has made you feel.

But actually, he needs to know. It is thoughtless and it has hurt you and I'd be pissed off like you are. And going forward for the future I would actually get all that off my chest rather than pretending 'everything is ok'.

It isn't ok. He's let you down - whether he meant to or not. And having it spelt out calmly to him I hope he's horrified and apologetic about how casually selfish he has been. He could presumably stick the holiday on a credit card and pay it back by cutting back on the sport/personal spending over a couple of months? Or he could actually grow up a bit in future and realise that although you have separate friends/hobbies if he spends all his money on his own wishes then it leaves nothing for joint trips.

It's about time it was pointed out to him - and this feels like the ideal time to spell things out really clearly. He needs to step up and BE a partner.

None of them are remotely close to £800 for 2 people so get your facts correct before you have a pop at people who weren't even talking to you.

@loverofbestbuy I book flights, accomodation and transfer (if needed) separately, that's how I book so cheap. I'll find some examples and come back once DC are in fed, bathed and in bed

I'd be disappointed and probably reconsidering if he was the partner for me.

Why can't he put his half of the holiday on a credit card? Which he repays over next few months with his spair cash?

@DolceGustoooohCoffee I suggest you rtft before having a pop at other posters - the OP very clearly said £800 EACH

Three levels to tackle here.

First level is to have the conversation about how it's made you feel and I think @Greywitch2 has worded it about as best as one can.

Second level is to get at why he can't seem to save. Is he in a job with a salary or is he self-employed/freelance? I've been the latter and the up-and-down nature of your income makes saving hard, but it also makes you think you can't afford something even when you have the money, because in the back of your mind you have to save it for a down period. If the former, is he bad with money generally? Budgeting can be incredibly hard for some people, as can impulse control when it comes to buying something you want now vs saving for the future.

Third level is how to solve that problem and two suggestions I can make are a) an app like Monzo, where you can divide your income into various pots - a holiday one, one for his sport etc. Friends who've had issues budgeting swear by it. Actually being able to see the amount you've ringfenced for a holiday, and being constantly reminded of what you're doing it for because the pot is called HOLIDAY, apparently works wonders.

I also think a joint account for utilities (bills, rent/mortgage) and holidays is a good idea - DP and I don't have shared finances but we do this, contributing the same amount every month.

Inforapenny2 · Today 15:03
Holiday around £800 each

EACH. Perhaps you’d like to re-read the OP’s posts? It’s also a public forum where anyone can reply to other posters. HTH

I'd jus suggest a holiday fund.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My take is that maybe his way of dealing with grief is different and he regretted suggesting going away, maybe he feels it's all been intense and he wants time apart. Maybe he recharges when he indulges in his sports and socialising with mates whereas you recharge by going away.

I would tell him how you feel disappointed and go away on your own anyway, be good to think about what you want to happen next and see how he reacts as a PP said.